So, a strange thing happened between the last season of #DancingWithTheStars and this one. ABC/Disney bought American Idol. What this means, and has meant, in practice, is that the solid franchise that is #DWTS gets kinda short shrift as they make room on their schedule for the monolith American Idol.
The very first visible casualty of this decision is this. Dancing with the Stars: Athletes. (An entire cast of just athletes.) In concept, that's all well and good. In practice, the regular DWTS season is shortened from 11 weeks to four. I am among those not at all happy about these developments. At the time Athletes started, I had not watched one minute of American Idol ever. Also, I am, as anyone reading this column knows, a HUGE DWTS fan.
But, all of that being said, here we go. The first “Athletes” shortened season of DWTS begins. Athletes because a good chunk of the early weeks of DWTS (regular) is teaching these non-dancers what rigorous training is all about. Athletes already know that. (Although they don't necessarily know what DANCE training is all about...)
So, for example, in this opening number, they have the first contestants as part of the dance, which actually works. Each one gets a spotlight over them, and some nod as to what their sport is, and their part in it. All ten competitors are all clothed in sparkly bronze outfits.
They also have Tom and Erin behind a broadcast booth, doing color, which is kinda funny, cause that's what Erin does in the DWTS off-season.
The judges dance out dressed as referees. Bruno in short shorts, of course. ;-) All of this to a Queen “We Are the Champions/We Will Rock You” medley. My favorite part of the dance is when Kareem Abdul-Jabaar comes out (all 7 or 8 feet of him) and Sasha tries to high five him. Other dancers have to lift Sasha up to do it. Makes me laugh. Great stuff so far.
The crowds are cheering so loudly in the ballroom that Tom and Erin can barely hear each other (not a great idea). But, here we go.
WITNEY AND CHRIS, the silver-medal luge athlete
We have a luge package, describing what it is luge competitors do. And Witney is extremely impressed with Chris‘ toe point. Also, it‘s pretty great that ABC covered the Olympics, cause they now have lots of great scenic footage of athletes to use on DWTS.
Witney tells Chris they are going to do a salsa, and his hip-swiveling attempts are painful.
I have to give props to the graphics team, because each graphic introducing each couple is beautiful.
But, as usual with Witney, her music sucks. As usual with first-night men, his hip action leaves lots
to be desired. However, his open shirt (I’m sure) goes a long way with Bruno. He does get points for attempting all these lifts though. Lotsa dry ice smoke going on.
In fact, you can barely see the judges from all the dry ice that was used on the stage so far. Bruno mentions that he’s “an expert laying down.” We know, Bruno, we know.
Len starts out with: “What a joy for me to be among fellow athletes,” which makes me laugh out loud. (Oh, he meant that.) Len was impressed with Chris (so was I). This is also the season when I realize that Len ends EVERY contestants’ judging with: “Well done.” (Even if he hates it and thinks it sucks.) Bruno, of course, likes that Chris decided to open up his shirt in the first number. “I like what he does already.” This cracks Carrie Ann up immensely. “The king of luge gets into the groove... you really had very very good action.” (No, he didn’t, Bruno is just still swooning from his open shirt.) Carrie Ann, waving a gold pom-pom, is also enamoured of the open shirt. “I think I speak for all the women... Woo hoo! You are incredible. The choreography was jam-packed. You did not take it easy on him at all, Witney, which I appreciate, because there's only four weeks. I think you have so much potential. You have star quality. Great movement, great rhythm.”
JUDGES’ SCORES: 21 out of 30 (Amazing first scores)
They broadcast the score on a mock Jumbotron, which Tom says "We shoulda had one of those a long time ago." (It's actually VERY high up, so I don't suspect they will have it after the Athletes season.)
LINDSAY AND KAREEM, “the greatest center in the history of the NBA”
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| What do you do with someone very very very tall? Well, this. |
He says he’s 7-foot-1 “and some change.” Lindsay says she’s 5-foot-4 “and no change.” Then, they show Kareem and Lindsay chatting up Magic Johnson in the Lakers big offices (with all the trophies around) and Magic once again talks about “the Skyhook” and how they used to “put on a show.”
Kareem (now in his 70s) says, “I might have old feet, but I do have dancing feet.” As we are about to see, um, no, no, he does NOT.
Kareem and Lindsay are both wearing gold, with Lindsay clutching a gold basketball to start. Stevie Wonder’s “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” starts playing. The massive gold basketball backdrop says: “The Skyhooks.” Then you see that Lindsay is standing on a huge purple platform to appear to be Kareem’s height. The gold troupe dancers (and Lindsay) basically dance around Kareem like he’s a Maypole.
He is easily one of the worst dancers that I can remember in a long, long time.
Bandleader Ray Chew, being acknowledged by Tom Bergeron, gives a Wakanda salute.
Bruno: “How can I possibly criticize a national treasure? So much going on around you, it was like a party on New Year‘s Eve. But you didn‘t overdance. You kept it very simple.” And by “simple,” he means the man barely moved. OVERDANCE? hahahaha I can‘t wait for the other judges’ variations on “You really sucked.” Carrie Ann: “As a performance, this is right in the zone of what our audience really loves. Everybody’s been waiting to watch you entertain us, and dance for us. You were surrounded. So much energy. It was wonderful. You sir, could get a little groovier.” Len: “If I was scoring purely on admiration (PUKE), you would get a 10 from Len... You need to loosen up.”
Erin is totally fangirling out over Kareem.
JUDGES’ SCORES: 17 out of 30 (More than generous)
Then, Tom points out Val Chmerkovskiy’s bright orange jacket (he is sitting in the audience, not competiting this time around).
After the break, Val and Tom have switched jackets. (They both still look great.)
KEO AND JENNIE, “the greatest pitcher from the greatest softball team of all time”
They show Jennie winning the gold medal for softball. Then, they show her on her ranch in Louisiana with her cattle and goats and her kids.
Jennie and Keo do a foxtrot, with our favorite house with a picket fence. The song is terrible. Way too much talking. The dance looks awkward and choppy to me, but she looks very pretty. And awww, her kids join her at the end.
Carrie Ann: “That was such a joy to watch. (Especially after that train wreck that was the Kareem dance, I bet!) I sense your competitve nature, and I think it's going to take you very far. Try to rely on him just a little bit more.” Len: “Foxtrot is a tough dance. You did a good job.” Bruno: “Abandon has to be controlled, especially in dances like the foxtrot. It’s all about maintaining control. We wanna see sophistication and elegance.”
There is something that was cut out of Keo’s comments for the West Coast feed. Not sure what it was. (I didn’t think they cut out anything. Must’ve been rude.)
JUDGES’ SCORES: 21 out of 30
We come back to the crowd doing the wave, while “We Will Rock You” plays.
ARTEM AND JAMIE, “two-time Olympic gold medal snowboarder”
I would seriously like to slap the producer that saddled this poor woman with the Viennese waltz in the first week. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
Ugh. But they try it anyway. She looks totally panicked and terrified (as she should. It’s arguably the hardest dance on this show.) “I really underestimated this whole situation,” she says. (Well, in fairness, MOST people who come on this show say that. They really really don’t get how hard this all is, until they get there and start trying to do it.)
The set, as you can kinda see above, is a snowy replication of the footage we had just seen. And she does look beautiful in blue. Still. It’s a hard dance.
Len: ”Viennese waltz is like freshly fallen snow... (Now he’s got her attention.) It’s smooth. This was a bit skippy on occasion. Especially once you got in hold. There was an elegance about your dancing.” Bruno: “You started very well. It was like watching Elsa on Frozen (sic). But then you hit a slippery patch. Whatever you do, don’t show it. Never lose the flow.” Carrie Ann: “You’re way more elegant than I think you think you are. There’s a beauty that comes out of you naturally. There’s an artistry to you. You were nervous, and you were rushing. That’s what messed you up. That’s it. There’s a lot going on. That is a very challenging dance.”
Jamie: “Artem is so good at dancing and all of it, and I’m a little bit intimidated...” Erin: “If Artem went into a snowboarding competition, let’s be candid. He wouldn’t be as good. Our dancers are really, really good. I’m just going to break it to you. They’re amazing.” She asks her how it is to partner, when she does a solo sport. Jamie: “It’s definitely out of my comfort zone. But it’s so fun to take on a new challenge. Artem has been really patient with me.”
JUDGES’ SCORES: 19 out of 30
We have an excellent salsa break from the amazing troupe (Brit, Hayley, Artur and Brandon) to bring us back from commercial. I really appreciate the troupe a lot in these moments, to show us what the dance is supposed to look like.
ALAN AND MIRAI, the bronze medal figure skater
They show her skating. She talks about the triple-axle, and how two women were the only ones (Tonya Harding being one of those) to land a triple axle in competition. Then she says, “But I guess I snatched the crown for the first U.S. lady to land it at the Olympics.”
I really don’t like this chick’s attitude. Sass and trash-talking doesn’t get you far on this show. Humility does. So Alan, at their first meet, is gushing: “I saw you on the Olympics,” and she says, “I’m so sorry, I never saw you on Dancing with the Stars.” :-0 Wow. (In Alan’s defense, he’s had some really memorable dances on DWTS, so she’s just not watching enough.)
They show Mirai and Adam Rippon at the Olympics, and say that they are “best friends.”
So Mirai and Alan do a salsa, better than previous competitors.
They are both in pink. They excel at the spins and twirls. They even do several lifts!
Bruno: “Well. That was a spicy, crispy cracker of a salsa.” Mirai butts into judges’ comments: “We’re Team Fire, Ice and Spice.” Bruno continues: “Actually, you did (the tricks) very well. It’s hard to land and maintain the rhythm. That’s the hardest thing to do. You did it. The armography was very good.” Carrie Ann: “You’re a boss out there. You owned that dance. We only have four weeks of competition. Everything matters. Watch your head bopping. You don’t need to do that. You need to be a little bit calmer, more one with the dance.” Len: “It was full of vim, vigor and vitality. The lifts were great. I could say that maybe there was a few too many tricks, however, I can't because the dance was so terrific.”
Erin asks if her ‘bestie’ can keep up with her. Mirai: “We wanna go to the finale together, so America, vote for us.” Erin: “Wow. And my job here is done.”
JUDGES’ SCORES: 23 out of 30
Tom says he’s calling this season a “seasonette.”
After the break, Tom introduces “reigning champion” Jordan Fisher in the audience.
GLEB AND ARIKE, the “buzzer beater” basketball player for the University of Notre Dame
She says she’s excited to be the first college athlete on the show. Gleb tries to shoot a few hoops. Arike: “I think he’s a better dancer than a basketball player.” Gleb tells her they are dancing a salsa.
“Dancing is way harder than I thought,” says Arike. “I need to loosen up a bit.”
Gleb tries to put her (as all women dancers) in a pair of heels. She rejects that, and insists on wearing her tennis shoes. “How can I dance in them, if I can barely walk in them?” Well, maybe for the salsa, but that look sure isn’t going to fly for all dances.
Once again, for the dance, they give the basketballer a basketball. The set is a college locker room. There are quite a few troupe members onstage. The dance, to me, is a train wreck. Painful.
Carrie Ann: “I’m really impressed. You have a real ease with yourself on the dance floor. You’ve got your own style. You know what works. You’re really loose. It’s really comfortable watching you. I want to see you in heels, though. You’re in Dancing with the Stars. You gotta do what we do here. Put the heels on next week. This week, it’s a pass.” Len: “It was fast-paced. It was energetic. Just what you want from an athlete. I would’ve liked to see a little more hip action. You need a little bit more gear in the rear.” Tom doesn’t let that “gear in the rear” comment pass. Bruno: “You were shaking it up, there, girl. As a performer, the hardest thing is to draw people in. And you drew me in. You had your own individual style, and it worked with the salsa.” He criticizes her shoulders for being stiff.
PET PEEVE ALERT Tom asks Arike to tell Erin her schedule “for the next 12 hours.” She talks about going to Chicago, and how she has a project management class in the morning. HONESTLY! WHY can’t they get people who have clear schedules who can just do THIS? Sheesh.
JUDGES’ SCORES: 20 out of 30
JENNA AND ADAM, the bronze medal figure skater
Adam, in his package, calls himself “the first openly gay American Winter Olympian.” They show Adam on the ice at the Olympics. They show Jenna come up to Adam in a locker room. They both start screaming. Jenna said when she met Adam, “it felt like we had known each other for years. Immediately, there was a connection and a chemistry.” Adam: “I was feeling like a dancer. Jenna and Gene Kelly.” He is the first competitor to say he wants the Mirror Ball. They cut to a mirror ball above his head. “I want that. In a trophy form, in my house.”
Cut to Adam onstage at DWTS for the first time, with two GIANT sparkling angel wings behind him. Adam and Jenna are dancing a cha cha. This is easily the star performance of the night. Their chemistry is really apparent. They seem to play off of each other. (They do this “Vogue” thing in the middle that is just stunning.) The song is perfect for them. It’s really a joy to watch this dance.
They both end up, kind of upside-down. It’s truly awesome.
Jenna has long been one of my favorites. She always stood out to me as a troupe dancer, with her presence and her smile. But as a pro on this show, she never really clicked. Boy, that ended with this dance. What they have is truly magical.
Len: “I think that was good. It was sharp. It was crisp. It was clear. The whole thing was full of cha cha content. I really enjoyed watching it.” Bruno: “Oh, Adam. The angel of the dance floor, with the hip action of a devil. Everything I like. What is amazing is the finish of your line, and your synchronicity with your dance partner. On Week One, to achieve that level is quite extraordinary.”
Carrie Ann: “You were born to do this show. I know you are an amazing skater, but this is your thing. That was fantastic. So polished. So precise. You guys are a match made in heaven.”
JUDGES’ SCORES: 24 out of 30
As they are introducing them, Erin calls Emma, a “brand-new bride.” (Emma and Sasha are one of my favorite couples in the world. They are just so cool together.)
EMMA AND JOHNNY, the World Series baseball player (outfielder)
Johnny is the second baseball player they've had on DWTS. They are dancing a foxtrot. Once again, Emma scores with the best music (with “Put Me in Coach”). Well, other than the Steive Wonder.
Such a fun dance. “Look at me, I can be Center Field...” (and he is) Awesome.
Bruno: “From the field of dreams onto the dance floor... Did it all go smoothly? No. But it was a very complicated routine, a dance that is very demanding. Footwork, posture, frame, timing. All things have to gel together, effortlessly. Was it effortless? No, but it will get better.” Carrie Ann: “You’re adorable. There’s something so likeable about the way you dance. You put so much effort into every move. Get that frame right, and it’s gonna look great.” Len: “The problem is, once you get into hold, it’s difficult. You gotta get in hold, and that was the bit that I didn’t like. It’s a very technical dance. First week, to come out and do the foxtrot, I salute you.”
Tom has a question for “newly married” Emma. He wants to know if competing with Sasha is “going to hurt the marriage.” She basically says, as long as I score higher, it’s fine. (Course, this is also her one Mirror Ball to his zip... SO FAR...)
JUDGES’ SCORES: 18 out of 30
Tom wonders how “her husband will do?”
Hayley, Morgan and Brit dance us back with (I think) a nice cha cha bumper.
Tom: “Right now, Emma’s other half dances with the first American woman to ever land a triple axle in competition. Before Sasha Farber takes the floor with silver-medallist Tonya Harding, let’s find out why she took up the challenge of this demanding season.”
SASHA AND TONYA, the figure skater (“first American woman to land a triple axle, figure skater and two-time Olympian” as it says at the beginning)
“It was my life. I wasn’t allowed to compete, to perform in shows. You have people looking at you like you’re nothing. You start to believe that you are nothing. I just wanted to do what I was good at, and that was skating.” They show her now, getting onto the ice, almost unnoticed, and doing a spin.
I have to pause here for a moment. At the time of the Tonya Harding “incident,” (as they call it in the movie) I was very deeply involved in the skating world, because it was a passion of both my sisters. The Nancy Kerrigan incident did not go unnoticed in my world.
But, I also believe that forgiveness is a good quality to possess. Dancing with the Stars is my favorite show, and Sasha Farber is one of my favorite pros. One of his true fortés on this show is working miracles with the women he partners. He is the only pro with the heart and the compassion to be paired with Tonya Harding, given all the circumstances.
So I go into this season, willing to put down my own resentments and grudges against Tonya Harding, because she is partnered with one of the best people on the show. And because she’s asking for forgiveness. She gave up something that she really loved and was really good at, and really, America, isn’t that punishment enough?
Sasha (back to the package) says: “I just watched your movie.” He’s talking, of course, about I, Tonya, which had just come out. He asks her (about DWTS): “What made you do this?” Tonya: “I got banned in 1994 from skating. But nobody can tell me I can’t dance. Being on Dancing with the Stars, I get to perform again. My skating ability will translate. I’m not sure how much, cause I wasn’t very graceful.” She cries and says, “I don’t wanna fail again.”
She is now standing, alone on the stage, with gold dust sprinkling down on her (from the Jumbotron). She raises her arms to the skies. Sasha comes from behind her to begin the dance. They, too, are doing a foxtrot. The lyrics are singing about: “Who knows what miracle you can achieve, when you believe...” They do that floor spinning move that the pros usually do. It just looks beautiful. The dance seems so joyous. The song ends with “You believe.” They both raise their arms up. The lighting is angelic. So beautiful. She takes a bow, and people are on their feet, applauding her. They also throw roses at the floor (which is what they do to skaters). A really nice touch.
Allison Janney, who just won an Oscar for playing Tonya’s mother in the movie, sits in the audience, applauding her debut return.
Tom: “I don’t know if you were worried about the reception you’d get, but you gotta be loving this one.” Tonya looks up from her tears and says, “It’s absolutely wonderful.” Tom points out the “recently minted Academy Award winner Allison Janney beaming over here, alongside young Tonya, Makenna Grace.” Allison blows her a kiss. Pretty spectacular stuff.
Carrie Ann: “Tonya, I know that your journey to here has been an emotional and challenging journey. But I have to judge your dancing. You are a beautiful dancer.” Tonya cries more at this. Sasha hugs her. “You have something so powerful. Your lines are gorgeous. There’s an eloquence, a depth to your performance. The mind-body-music connection that you just displayed blew me away.” Len: “Tonya, I thought it was a charming dance. Beautiful fluid movement, great mix of steps in hold and out of hold. You shouldn’t be weeping. You should be happy. Because that was a lovely performance.” Bruno waves at her and says: “Hi, Tonya.” (yuck, yuck) “I see you brought your movie mom with you. That character makes Len look like a pussycat. I wasn’t expecting you to have such a lyrical quality of movement.”
Erin tells her she looks beautiful. “How do you feel?” “Like a princess,” she says. Sasha hugs her.
JUDGES’ SCORES: 23 out of 30
The troupe rushes back out with giant black flags with gold DWTS letters.
We return with the football floor and huge gold footballs on the backdrop. (Of course, Erin reads the football parts.)
SHARNA AND JOSH, the football player
He is the only football player in all these Athletes. Josh says, speaking in third person: “Josh Norman comes with 110 percent laser focus. If he’s in it, he’s in it.”
(I guess 24 is his number on the Redskins?) They are about to do a cha cha. And it looks like he's about to jump over Sharna, who is not facing him. BOOM! And the smoke goes up all around. Pretty cool.
The song is all about “dripping in finesse.” (It’s Bruno Mars’ tribute to Fly Girls.)
Len: “I thought it was bright and breezy, free and easy. Full of rhythm and style. You’re just another one of a long list of footballers that can dance.” Bruno: “Josh! Star quality, charisma, sex appeal, you’ve got it. By the truckload. You have natural musicality, a feel for the dance. You’re the ones to watch.” Carrie Ann: “I agree with Bruno. I think you have something really special. You have an X factor. When you came out... I didn’t hear the crowd go crazy until you came out. You’ve got the moves, and you have style. Because I was a Fly Girl, I’m gonna crown you Fly Guy.” Wow.
JUDGES’ SCORES: 24 out of 30
They are about to announce the couples leaving.
They put BOTH Sasha and Emma into jeopardy. (WHAT?) As well as Artem and his partner. Two of these three couples are going home. (NOOOOOO!!!!) Really? Not horrible dancer Kareem? :-( #SoAggravating
Going home:
Sasha and Tonya are safe! WHEW! (Sad to see all of Tom’s comments about the husband-wife rivalry go away, but REALLY glad Sasha is still here.)
Tom announces that next week’s guest judge is Emma’s former partner Rashad Jennings.
Miche’s Favorite Athletes, Night One
1. Adam and Jenna (cha cha)
2. Tonya and Sasha (foxtrot)
3. Johnny and Emma (foxtrot)
4. Josh and Sharna (cha cha)
5. Mirai and Alan (salsa)
6. Jennie and Artem (Viennese waltz... seriously? WEEK ONE?)
7. Chris and Witney (salsa)
8. Jennie and Keo (foxtrot)
PLEASE GO HOME
1. Kareem
2. Arike
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