El Bachelor Does El No-No in the Ocean

The Bachelor on ABC. Cassandra, Juan Pablo, Kat. (Courtesy of ABC/Christopher Jue)

Oh, I was so hoping to get through all of Juan Pablo’s season without writing about any of it. But no...

First, let me release my usual disclaimers. I know that large parts of this mess we call The Bachelor is scripted. Nonetheless, I believe in a perfect world, where people don’t lie to me on TV, and really would prefer that, thank you very much.

Like most women who watch this mess (I believe), I wanna believe in The Bachelor. I really do wanna start at the beginning with 27 candidates and end up with a teary proposal at the end of it all. However, I am simultaneously aware that the whole prospect is ridiculous. Even if you told the producers beforehand every last detail of what you want in a spouse... really? Are they going to come up with that, when you’ve spent your whole life searching for it, and came up with bupkiss? Ahem...

So let’s have another disclaimer here. If one did want to walk through this TV process of finding a wife/husband, and you only have a month or two to do it, what would you do? Exactly. You’d cut to the chase. How does he kiss? Is he good in bed? Does he have a job? And we’re halfway there already.

Well, that’s how I’d do it.

So, we have this artificial construct, because it is national TV, and you remember America? America freaked out when Janet Jackson accidentally showed her nipple for a half second. Add to that, we are on ABC, owned by the lovely Disney corporation, so you could say that having people banging live on TV probably isn’t in its worldview.

Which makes for a very strange “dating” show.

Remember back when I said I was into honesty? Well, I would honestly rather have someone say at the beginning: I am not attracted to any of these losers, forget it. But they can’t. They are contractually obligated to go through the hoops that ABC lays down for them, and lemme tell ya, many of those hoops are beyond ridiculous.

For example: you can’t tell someone how you really feel, because you don’t want to give them false hope over the other 26 contestants. You also (of course) are being filmed constantly, so that every conversation (even if you wanted to have one privately) is being taped.

That’s all Bachelor 101, for those who might not be up to speed with this particular bizarrity we have here in America.

And I’m quite sure that along with English lessons and whatever else the Bachelor producers had Juan Pablo go through, he was trained well in what to do, and what not to do. What the multitude of rules are.

The fact that indeed one of ABC’s big selling points of this guy at this time, besides the fact that he’s dreamy and nearly every woman who sees him is creaming her jeans over him, is that (insert Swoon here) he’s also a DAD. So, yes, at prominent points, we are going to show little Camilla, so the country can all swoon together. Ready?...

It has been noted already in this season (whether through producer coaching, or his own volition, or a combo of both) that Juan Pablo is quite free with the kissing. However, when he doesn’t want to kiss someone, suddenly, there’s a “oh, I don’t want my daughter Camilla to see her daddy doing bad stuff on TV,” or some such nonsense. (Instead of just saying: I really don’t want to kiss you, thank you. Which would truly be the gentlemanly way of doing it.)

Juan Pablo, as you may’ve read elsewhere, already has an image problem. He let his mouth fly with what he really thinks and said (in interviews), basically, that he wouldn’t want to see a gay version of The Bachelor because “they are too perverted.” ABC quickly put the spin on that, finally ending up with, “Ooops, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that. You know... my English... so bad.”

*eyeroll*

Yeah, ok.

Anyway, back in reality.... We had a Bachelor a couple of seasons ago. I called him in my blog posting, “The Bachelor of Shame.” Mostly because I was ashamed of how ABC handled the whole Ben-Courtney fiasco. Don’t know if they are doing this again this season (so far it doesn’t seem so), but ABC spent a good part of Ben’s season painting Miss Courtney as the “hated” one in the women’s house, the witch, the villainess. Then wondered why, when Ben actually proposed to her, no one cared. Or, instead threw tomatoes at the screen. It makes my skin crawl this minute thinking about it.

Believe me, I would like very much to forget that both Ben and Courtney even exist. Sadly, we have a moment in Juan Pablo’s season which prompts me to bring it up.

There was a moment early on in Ben’s season, when the women were trying to distinguish themselves from each other, that Miss Courtney grabbed Ben, late at night, while all the other women were sleeping, and they both disrobed and jumped into the ocean naked. We couldn’t see it definitively (and I’m sure ABC would deny it officially), but let’s just assume that they had sex. In the ocean.

Which, of course, made Miss Courtney the new frontrunner (and, I would argue, the ultimate winner) who got proposed to. Cause say what you will, things change when two people have sex. They look at each other differently. There is just a difference. And as much as ABC and the two people involved tried to make it look like nothing had happened, in fact, she had just turned over all the cards, and all the other women could go home.

And OK, I suppose you could say, well, all is fair in love and war, and love doesn’t happen on some TV show’s timetable. She wanted him, she got him. She did what any woman would do. And, when last I paid attention to it, I think they are still together now. So, good for Courtney.

What was bad (and hopefully they fired the producers because of it) is that they had already invested in making Courtney the “villainess” of the season, and they stuck with it. And then were surprised that America hated them both at the end.

(I still do. I hate being lied to.)

So this season, everyone (of course) is madly in love with “El Bachelor,” Juan Pablo.

Juan Pablo and some of his contestants. (Courtesy of ABC/Christopher Jue)

He’s hot, he’s a soccer player, he’s Latin, what’s not to like?

And I think it’s safe to say that he’s partial to blondes, but intimidated by brunettes. But one blonde, in particular, named Clare, seems to have caught his eye. In various moments, he can be seen canoodling with her. In fact, in whatever country they are now in (I think it’s Vietnam), she is the only one who was shown (by him) where he was staying. (They messed around a bit in his pool on one group date.)

So one night (after said group date), after she receives the rose from said group date, she decides she wants more, and comes back to his hotel room (at around 4 am). He, of course, is dressed, seeing the camera crew there at his window. He comes out, and instead of saying, “What’s wrong with you, you crazy stalker lady?” as most sane humans would probably do, he interviews that “I was trying to get her to open up more, show me her emotions.” (Typical Bachelor speak. *eyeroll*)

In true speak, it was more: “Sure, you wanna go frolic in the ocean at 4 am? Let’s go!”

The Bachelor producers this time had learned their lesson. They insisted both of them kept their bathing suits on, at least until they got to the ocean, and when they came back.

But there is no doubt in my mind that these two did the nasty in the ocean.

We could tell this because of how weird and crazy they were acting afterwards.

Of course, it always gives someone an edge if they have slept with someone and the other girls have not.

From afar, on paper, the other woman with a child named Renee is who I would pick to be his best match. She’s indeed the one I’m rooting for. She, at least, is doing everything by the rules. But she was recently worried about whether or not he would actually kiss her. (He finally did. And she was over the moon about it.)

Sadly, I fear another Ben-Courtney repeat. Where Clare will be the last one standing because she was the first who dared to jump in the ocean with Juan Pablo.

We shall see.

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The Bachelor of Shame

I don't watch many reality shows. The ones I watch, I tend to think of as the "gold standard" of these kinds of shows: Survivor, Dancing with the Stars, The Bachelor, Bachelorette. An occasional Amazing Race. That's pretty much it.

In all my watching of all of these shows (most of them from the very beginning), I can't recall seeing such a season of shame as what's going on right now on The Bachelor. Thankfully for America and for Ben F (our illustrious Bachelor), after next week, it'll all be over.

I wanna dissect what's happened so far from two perspectives:

1. He was a user/manipulator and so was she.

2. He had no idea, and is now in hell.

Let's try the first one on for size. If you listen to some of the tabloids, Ben was only in it for sex. He never wanted a wife. And if you looked at his choices, there were many (and I do mean many) great women this season. Ones with open hearts, great looks, genuinely into him, reacting genuinely, even telling him they were "falling in love" with him. At every turn, when this stuff happened, that particular woman was the next one to get bounced.

And on every episode, he was kissing and hugging and getting physically intimate with women (to varying degrees). Every episode. Starting with the FIRST one.

So, yeah, a cynic would say that he was just in it for the sex, and his fav among them all was the beautiful model. You know, the one who stalked him and seduced him in the ocean. While they were both naked. And if you tell me sex didn't happen that night, I have some swamp land to sell you.

That would be the cynical view. These two people who SPOILER end up together next week, deserve each other. They are both manipulators, just on this show to get famous or in Ben's case "to talk about his winery," according to one tabloid.

Although, truth be told, he did mention it was either in Sonoma or San Francisco, but they never showed it, and he never named it, so if he was "self-promoting" as they claim, he did a pretty piss poor job of it.

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The thing is, I'm a romantic. I don't wanna believe that all the reality shows are actually "written." I don't wanna believe that anyone goes on The Bachelor without actually seriously trying to find love. Well, sure, there's the odd duck here or there trying to promote themselves, but that usually backfires. Right, Wesley?

But let's just play out this narrative.

Let's say that Ben F. appeared on the first show, genuinely wanting to find a wife. Or at least someone he could have a relationship with. Long-term.

Let's ignore that he really turned down every woman he could conceivably do that with.

And he's walking, stumbling, tripping through this season, doing the best he can. And suddenly a woman who has a good head on her shoulders is telling him to watch out for another woman. He ignores it, and actually thinks worse of said woman (who, btw, I would marry in a heartbeat. She's awesome. Very straightforward.).

Note to all future Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants: If someone in a season comes to you to complain about someone else, at least listen. Don't dismiss them.

So, the season goes on. He continues to make bad choices, but for the most part, the best women stay till the end.

And again, three women whom he likes tell him AGAIN about this particular woman, who, for whatever reason COUGHsexCOUGH he keeps picking.

OK, one woman, could be a fluke, could be just two people who don't get along. Now it's FOUR different women? And you don't pay attention? :-/

But OK, he still thinks he's in love with this model. She keeps stringing him along.

Until the point he dumps the woman who really has become America's sweetheart. She is quite possibly one of the best Bachelor contestants ever (except for her parents, she'd be perfect).

But she is beautiful and wonderful and she's genuinely in love with you. She is DUMPED (you stupid fool) and still she RETURNS to talk to you. To get some closure, since she was so blindsided. And as she's leaving, she says Oh BTW, I still care about you and this woman, the one I've been telling you about all along, is going to break your heart.

She's got no more skin in this game, she's already been dumped. And STILL you don't listen?

This is the point where I blame the producers, actually. Though they very likely have a bunch of heartless bastards running The Bachelor, and saw this whole Courtney debacle as a great way to get ratings, since everyone hated her so much.

But what happened throughout the season was that they just kept running interviews with Courtney shooting off her mouth, being an ass, dissing the other girls (of course, we are going to hate her). And now, maybe four shows from the end, they start having her say stuff (this is the scripted part) that she's all in love with Ben and blah blah. Like we believe her now?

Cause, you know, the "goal" of a Bachelor season is to have a man propose at the end AND to have America collectively swoon, as he gets down on one knee. Here's what's going to happen instead. As Lindsey is the first one getting out of the limo (aka the dumped one), you will hear TVs all across America clicking to another channel.

I know mine will.

In fact, if it were me, I'd fire whoever produced this Bachelor season.

Because it's been really painful to watch. You see all throughout, this loser/bitch saying crappy things about the other girls on the show. She was ugly and hateful and spiteful and mean, and didn't play by the rules. I don't care what anyone says, the little jaunt in the ocean was where the season effectively ended. Game over.

And they had cameras there, filming it. It's not like they weren't participants in this train wreck.

I mean, hey, if you want to make it all about Who Can Get the Bachelor in the Sack first? that's a whole different show. I think Snooki's on it. On THIS show, girls like to watch it because they wanna believe in romance. That courtship could be possible. And ever since Puerto Rico, which was like four shows in, I've just felt this stench of shame, watching it. Every episode.

Courtney's smug smile, knowing she wasn't going anywhere, cause she'd already banged Ben. Ben, believing so gullibly that this hot model really wanted HIM and not stardom.

Again, I say, where were the producers? Really? Next week, he's going to propose to Courtney and you think there is going to be anything but collective puking all across America? Chris Harrison rightfully in this last episode, "Women Tell All," called Courtney, the woman all of America hates.

The Bachelor should take a page from Survivor. Last season, they had all these spiritual people on (on what I think was the best Survivor season ever). It was a joy to tune in each week. I rushed to the TV. I live blogged it. I participated in the "virtual living room." I wanted to see more of it, cause what was happening was so stunning and amazing. And, conversely, this season, everyone is like The Bachelor was this season: mean, manipulative, spiteful. I've turned it off. Why bother?

But back to poor soddy Ben.

Let's assume that what the tabloids say is true: He proposes to the wench Courtney next week. So blinded by the way she stroked him in the ocean, he can't see what women all season long have been telling him. He proposes to her.

Then, he goes home, and actually watches the season unfold. He sees all the interviews with Courtney, where she is mean, spiteful, wenchlike, bitchy, cruel. Hears how much America hates her. Sees all the dirt the tabloids dig up on her, how she isn't even attracted to him, and is just doing this for fame.

Sits through last week's "Women Tell All," where 90% of the show is the women bitching about Courtney or bitching AT Courtney. The last 15 minutes are Ben (in a show that's normally mostly devoted to the Bachelor). He enters with the very telling phrase, "Welcome to My Nightmare."

When he said that, I have to say, I felt immensely sorry for him. To be dragged through this muck because some producer went with the Let's Hate on Courtney ratings bonanza, instead of letting a man just maybe find a soul mate.

Why is it, Bachelor producers, that Survivor has had BY FAR more couples hooking up that stay together than The Bachelor can manage in all its seasons? Why is that?

I would suggest that just like some smart producer managed to nip that Wesley baloney in the bud quickly, they should've done so, too, with this Courtney craziness. Let the poor man see some dailies or something. How horrible this is now, for him to watch this, as America, or at least the part of America that's still watching this train wreck, is sitting there thinking what a colossal ass he is. He sits there in his shame.

Has proposed to someone who totally played him, and all of America knows it. It's ugly.

The Bachelor used to be something you could believe in, and dream on. Now it's just some tramp having sex in the ocean, and I can't wash off the stench.

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