ABC ghosts its longtime hosts to the detriment of two shows

Let me start with a disclaimer. I fundamentally believe that the United States has a system of built-in racism that must be dismantled. Dismantling all the paths that cause white people in this country to act in insensitive ways to anyone who isn’t white is (and should be) our second biggest priority right now. (The first being saving our democracy from lunatics and autocrats.) I sincerely mean that, and as a white person who came from a pretty racist town in the Midwest, I know that I, too, have blind spots and ways in which I need to grow on this topic. 

I, like Chris Harrison, strive to be better on that topic. And that is all you can ask of a person. That they look at their blind spots, and strive to do better. To be more humane, more progressive, more sensitive to a topic that they had been insensitive about. And then, actively WORK to be better, and not just mouth words about it.

But really, the reason I want to write this column today is not to dissect racism and how we all need to be better (people have, and will continue to, write amazing books about that). Go read them!

This is about ABC and its host problem. I mean, I do get (completely) how after the George Floyd murder and protests, it is essential to change the dynamic of regular shows. That casts need to be more racially diverse to reflect the country. (They also need to have more women leads, but maybe that’s just me...) That is an admirable goal, and we should do that. To new shows. Upsetting the apple cart on established shows? Not so wise.

ABC, for instance, took two landmark shows of theirs, and removed beloved hosts just for the purpose of shaking things up. In both cases, they are to the detriment of the show. 

I am still not over the loss of these two beloved hosts. Tom Bergeron, there since the beginning of the show (2005), was the heartbeat of the show. One just cannot underestimate how much he gave to this show. How many moments he saved with his witty banter, how he was a bridge when things got awkward, or things went wrong technically. How he kept the show going when there was suddenly an attacker on set who had to be tackled by security. So many moments, so many wonderful, funny, heart-rending memories of Tom Bergeron. 

Erin Andrews arrived (2010) after they removed Brooke Burke (and, to be honest, I never liked Brooke Burke. She was lame and fluffy when that wasn’t what was needed in the role). Erin Andrews arriving was a good decision for the show. Her banter was funny and real, honest and warm. She balanced and complemented Tom Bergeron. They were a great hosting team.

Getting rid of them truly was like kicking out one of the legs of a table. It’s just not going to be right after that. The corporate brass just don’t realize how integral they were to the show. I say this as someone who has watched every Dancing with the Stars show since Season 10 (they are now on Season 30). 

And what did they replace them with? Well, this.

Don’t get me wrong. Tyra Banks is beautiful. She is a great model. I’m sure her fashion show (whatever it was called) is wonderful. And she tried so hard this past season of #DWTS.

But dudes, she was TERRIBLE. As a longtime viewer, I hated every single moment that Tyra was on screen. Mostly because her presence was ill-conceived and unnecessary. IT’S A DANCE SHOW. All that matters (or should matter) is THE DANCE. They had her entering in all these flouncy gowns, for some bizarre reason, detracting from the time they have to showcase the dances. Blissfully, they cut that nonsense back as the season went along. But Tom and Erin didn’t have gobs of time just to showcase what they were wearing. NOR SHOULD THEY.

The hosts were there to move things along, not to take over and be a major part of the show. Do you GET THIS, ABC?

Initially, Tyra didn’t even seem to really know what was going on. Like she hadn’t even watched the show before. Which is inexcusable. 

I mean, OK, previously we had someone who could compare something that just happened to something that happened in Season 12. We are spoiled that way. But we also LOOK for that kind of depth and intimacy from this show.

Hiring Tyra was a travesty that I hope they rectify, because I love this show and want to keep watching it. It’s very hard when you have to shield your eyes during all of Tyra’s parts.

But while I’m trashing ABC’s decisions, let me also give credit to what they did right. This.

After a long slog as part of the troupe, the wonderful and amazing Britt Stewart finally became a Pro dancer. Yay. More of this, please. (And Brendan as a Pro is also a great addition.)

Now we also have a host who has been with the franchise through thick and seriously thin, over nearly 20 years (since 2002), and gets booted with barely a fare-thee-well. (Tom and Erin were also dumped really unceremoniously and awkwardly.) All of these integral hosts really deserved better, ABC.

How much do we love Chris Harrison as The Bachelor host? Let me tell you, ABC. Let me tell you what you are now so clumsily and stupidly missing.

Chris Harrison started with this franchise from its very first show. I’ve been watching this show (and all its iterations: The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Bachelor in Paradise) from the very beginning. Chris Harrison is the glue that holds them all together. Why? Because he was adaptable. He rolled with the punches. He knew what was good comedy (much like Tom Bergeron). He knew when to be serious or thoughtful. He had a heart, and watching him, you really believed that what he (and the Bachelor franchise) wanted was for this person in front of us to be happy and find love. 

He could also switch to wacky, by navigating what Bachelor in Paradise became. Not smarmy (as many of these love on an island shows became), but fun and fun-loving. When we had our first gay couple (who started out as straight, but declared her gayness on TV), Chris rolled right along with that, guided us through that. It was truly landmark. 

He’s officiated many Bachelor/Bachelorette weddings.

And when many Girls/Guys Tell All shows threatened to deteriorate into screaming matches, Chris Harrison was what calmed everyone down. He has grown and evolved during the course of the show (getting divorced, and then finding hot sexy love with the wondrous Lauren Zima). (*winks at Lauren Zima* Miss you, babe.)

It is gut-wrenching to me that Tom and Erin are gone from DWTS. It is also gut-wrenching to me that Chris Harrison is gone from the Bachelor franchise. In both cases, these hosts are such massive, integral parts of the show that I truly don’t know if the show will recover with other hosts.

(So far, in the case of Tyra, UGH NO.)

Having Taysha and Kaitlyn as pseudo-hosts on the first episode of The Bachelorette post-Chris Harrison was an idea, but not a good one. Having David Spade as the host of Paradise is an even worse idea.

You don’t have someone wacky in an already wacky situation. Chris Harrison was the center, the calm of the storm, the one who stood for integrity and honesty and truth and true love. And you BELIEVED THAT about him. I did. I believed he was honest and honestly going through this experience. I don’t believe that about David Spade. He’s not an honest guy. He’s a comedian. (For that matter, he’s also not a guy who’s found true love himself. What does he know about this process? I fully expect it to devolve into being like these other smarmy love island shows now.)

So, I write this, as a longtime viewer of both of these shows, feeling like they’ve both recently been hacked to pieces.

Will I continue to watch? Since I really love the dancing most of all on DWTS, sure. That part is still great. (I miss all the great dancers I’ve come to love. And the fact that this show used to be on three times a year and now is down to only one season is also gut-wrenching.)

But I will be gritting my teeth through all the Tyra parts, for sure. HATE HER AS HOST. HATE HER.

Will I continue to watch the Bachelor franchise? Since I love Katie, I am watching this one. I will probably watch Bachelor in Paradise, if only because it will generate fun columns. But I HATE the idea of David Spade as host. It’s really an affront to who Chris Harrison was, and the place he had in this show, which obviously ABC has forgotten, or never understood. 

I will say this. Emmanuel Acho (who has an excellent book—Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man—that everyone should read) was a great fill-in for last season’s After the Final Rose. He did what needed to be done in the moment.

But truly, ABC, the BETTER resolution of this would have been to have Chris Harrison continue to walk through this, and talk about his evolution, and bring us not-understanding white viewers with him. Maybe even have a Bachelor special on how The Bachelor plans to do better and be more integrated? All kinds of things, all manner of paths you could’ve explored. 

But instead, you take the easy way out, and get rid of Chris Harrison. So lame. So pathetic. 

So much of this show (obviously ABC doesn’t get this) is about psychology. What one does when one has a breakthrough is work through it. Accept it honestly, talk about the blind spots, go forward. All of which Chris Harrison did in social media. That’s all you can really ask of someone. 

I know it’s not going to happen, but both of these shows would be MUCH better off with their previous hosts reinstated. Not having them really guts the franchise. I mean, can anyone imagine Survivor without Jeff Probst? No. Good hosts aren’t just plug and play. Especially when you’re dealing with emotional, complicated stuff like The Bachelor (no, seriously, it is).

Maybe they’ll bring Tyra Banks to The Bachelor franchise and bring back Tom and Erin? A girl can dream... (That, at least, would be a better fit.)

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DWTS S022 Finals, Night Two: Peta Takes the Mirror Ball

DAY TWO OF THE GRAND FINALE EXTRAVAGANZA

This is the day when they bring back all (or most) of the competitors from the past season, to dance, or not. (Thank God they did away with the "Let them dance in order of their elimination" nonsense.) And we generally waste time until they get to who wins, at the end. So I'm gonna skip over all the dancers from the season who come back (Yawn!), and just write about the good stuff.

I love that they incorporate LA landmarks on the Finale, in this case, The Grove rooftop.

Fleur East dances on top of the Grove.

Then we had a clip montage of fun moments from the first three shows of the season. Then, this:

It was an encore from one of their most memorable dances from earlier in the season (I honestly can't tell if this pictures is from then or now, sorry.)

Filler filler filler, blah blah.

Then we have something we don't ever have: host Tom Bergeron going into the control room, to introduce Alex Rudzinski, the director since Day 1, who is leaving. (Which immediately makes me scared.)

Then Peta and Nyle recreate their very first dance. I remember liking it, back when I liked them. It was to that "Cake by the Ocean" song. Peta looks extremely hot.

Blooper reel. Fifth Harmony performs, with their dancers.

Then we go back to the Grove for the women dancers to dance to "I Ain't Your Mama."

Then Ginger and Val reprise their Argentine tango. Dear God, if her faces don't ruin this dance for me. Smiling! In an Argentine tango! Ugh. Thankfully, Val's stellar choreography takes some of that edge off.

Then, a recap of Disney night. Notable mostly for Kim Fields getting lipstick all over Bruno's expensive jacket, and for this.

UGH.

Then, Latin night. The Switch-Up. Famous Dances night. Len's birthday.

Antonio and Sharna recreate their Aladdin dance from Disney night. *swoon* Shannon. So great.

Promo stuff for Maks and Val's upcoming summer tour.

Jodie and Keo recreate not their best number.

Then, a game show (actually pretty funny) "Are You Smarter Than a Dancer?" Um, Witney and Lindsay? Keep your day jobs.

Then back to the Grove while two dudes sing while Witney and Artem dance. Witney, who just got married IRL, is dressed as a bride.

Then, Wanya and Lindsay recreate their Charleston. I really wish they'd recreated the dance with the errant bandana, so we could see how it was supposed to be (cause that was an awesome dance). Ah well. This one was good too.

The dance they should've recreated.

The unfortunate thing about the Wanya-Lindsay quickstep, is that all the synchopation and moves only underscores how much THEY should be the third couple in the Finale, and not Peta and Nyle. *sigh*

More recaps. Weeks 7-9. Blah blah.

Then, we had this bit of deliciousness.

OH YEAH. Shirts open, by the end. *swoon*

Not to be outdone, we had some of the #DWTS women, dancing with Pitbull.

He also had some of his own dancers dancing. You can tell them because they have real boobs (not dancer's boobs).

Then, some footage of some cast members talking about the season. Geraldo Rivera talks about how he didn't realize "how arduous" it was going to be. NOTE TO STARS OUT THERE: This show is ARDUOUS. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can just breeze through it. It's tough, tough work.

Then, mercifully, they have all the bad dancers just mostly walk through a dance called "The Summer Thing," while the troupe danced around them. In moments like these, I am so very grateful for Jenna and Shannon being part of the troupe. We also got Sasha as a CRAB again!

Fun stuff. (And thank you for having Geraldo Rivera just sitting up there, pseudo lifeguard-ish.)

Then, FINALLY, the competition part. We get the requisite walk through the studio for the last time (where the photos are now, for the first time. I love that part.). And Ginger talking about how the experience was so much more than she ever expected.

This was supposed to be an Argentine Tango/foxtrot fusion. There was smiling throughout. Enough already. Val's choreography, of course, was stellar. (There was a bit of a mess up within.)

The best part about all this was in Bruno's comment, which was trying to be a compliment, he said, "You've transformed from a weather girl to a leading lady." Ginger snapped back, "Meteorologist." (Good for her!)

Val, perhaps knowing they were going to place third, or just acknowledging that it was their final dance, took a moment to look at the camera and wave to the fans. "Thank you very much," he mouthed. I really appreciate that about him.

JUDGES' SCORE: 27

So, in Nyle and Peta's package, they wisely didn't have him speak. Peta, instead, was crying and mentioning how much he's helped so many people this season. I'll just leave that without comment.

They had a tango/cha cha fusion. Carrie Ann was so moved that she signed her remarks to him. ("Thank you for showing us your heart, through dance.") This brought Nyle to tears. Len, not crying, said he doesn't do sympathy votes, but mentioned that Nyle does deserve to be there.

JUDGES' SCORE: 30

In a bit of foreshadowing, that I didn't realize was foreshadowing at the time, Mark muses about how "I grew up on this show. Never missed a season." (He competed for 20 seasons, and he's turning 30.) Paige, who never wanted to do lifts at the beginning, asks him to put in another lift. There is a tender moment about goodbyes that makes me teary. She ends with, "I'm gonna see you again." I hope that's true for the audience too (seeing HIM again on #DWTS).

It was a beautiful closing dance, a mixture of some of their best stuff. A jive/salsa fusion. Carrie Ann says that they "set the standard" this season. Len says, "If this was judged purely on dance, you're the one to beat." (Wait... it isn't?) Mark mentions how he added more hip action for Len (and he had).

JUDGES' SCORE: On Mark Ballas' 30th birthday, 30

Alo Black (sp?) sings while they show clips from the three finalists behind him.

They then announce that the third place finalists are Ginger and Val.

They announced that in their regular ballroom. But by the time they do the final announcement, they are back outside at the Grove. Let's not stall... here you go.

But really, it's...

Most of all, Happy 30th Birthday, and goodbye to Mark Ballas. I can't even imagine a #DWTS without you. Best of luck with whatever it is you are doing next. We were lucky to have you grace our TV screens for 20 seasons. (And personally, I believe you should've won this, Season 22.)

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DWTS S19 Week 3 Bows to Icons Past

Amazing week at Dancing with the Stars. Not only our first perfect scores, but TWO couples received them! (Including Val and Janel, above) But we will get to all that.

First, I wanted to apologize to the cinematographers of this fine show that I reamed in the last two columns. In checking over, doing some research on my phone, and watching the show back at ABC.com, I realized that, indeed, they had properly framed the screen--IF you have a rectangular TV (as is all the rage now). I, however, still have an older-than-dirt version, and so I couldn't see the four judges on my TV. So I apologize to them.

This business with the photos also frustrates me. I really want great photos to showcase the amazing dancing that I'm writing about, but ABC doesn't offer them (as I've mentioned). I did actually find that Getty offers them now, but you have to pay for them, of course. Which was part of the problem before: some were paying for them, others were just using them. That is the Web economy we have these days.

So they've taken that away, and what will people do? What I'm doing. Use bad screen grabs to illustrate my point. And if that's how you want to promote your shows, fine. That's what we'll do. Just makes me sad.

Two of our contestants on this week's DWTS ran into the same kind of proprietary nonsense, issues with the owner. In Derek's case, Gene Kelly's wife graciously allowed him to perform this dance. In Val's case, the West Side Story owners almost didn't let him do it. Old media MUST realize that in both cases, they were going to get a very respectful homage to the original work being presented, and that, in fact, by Derek Hough and Val Chmerkovskiy performing these on the CURRENT Dancing with the Stars, it actually only increases the value of your brand, because new viewers will be inspired to check out the original. Surely Gene Kelly's wife realizes that. West Side Story's owners almost did not.

Luckily cooler heads prevailed, because we were treated to two amazing dances. Val and Janel performing "America" from West Side Story (my personal favorite of the week) and Derek and Bethany performing to Singin' in the Rain.

Both of these dances received the season's first perfect scores. (Deservedly so. They were both breathtaking.)

Also one of the coolest things of the night was viewing a little clip of Derek Hough at like five or six doing another version of Singin' in the Rain. Classic and quite wonderful. You can see it's been in his blood for a long, long time.

But the other dances were no slouches, either. Tommy Chong's Argentine tango with Peta was astonishing.

Seriously. Wow. Just incredible.

I just love the care with which Mark Ballas handles teenager Sadie (from Duck Dynasty). They performed just a lovely number to Up.

Those were my stellar favorites. Others were also great. Antonio and Cheryl did a great foxtrot. Allison and Jonathan came roaring back from last week's bruising with a beautiful (with lots of content) tango. Alfonso and Witney (who are having a hard time getting back up to the top of that leaderboard) did a nice Austin Powers quickstep (and his son helped!). Betsey and Tony did a contemporary dance to Unchained Melody (from Ghost). Lea and Artem did a nice Back to the Future takeoff. Michael and Emma did a waltz.

Randy and Karina got voted out this week.

Oh, and for bizarre scheduling reasons, DWTS is now back down to one night. *sigh* So the results were somehow also taken from last week's voting.

And in all of these amazing set pieces, you perhaps can tell from the photos, all of the incredible technicians at DWTS deserve a huge amount of credit for recreating these classic moments from movies. As Carrie Anne gushed, "they made it RAIN in here!" It was beautiful. Big applause to all the technicians (sets, costumes, lights, everything) at DWTS. I'm sure it must've been a rough week for them.

MICHE'S FAVS FOR WEEK THREE (Movie Night)
1. Val and Janel (West Side Story)
2. Derek and Bethany (Singin' in the Rain)
3. Mark and Sadie (Up)
4. Tommy and Peta (Scent of a Woman)
5. Antonio and Cheryl (Guardians of the Galaxy)

There was an incredible Marilyn Monroe opening number, with Cheryl Burke also as Marilyn (thankfully, no blonde wig). And boys as baseball players.

Comic Kevin Hart was a guest judge, cause Len was still in England. (And btw, Tom, someone doesn't become a "movie star" just because they've been in a movie.) Hart did ok as a judge, basically just gushing and giving out high scores to people he liked. (Which was really nice when he gave Tommy Chong a 10!)

One of the reasons Alfonso and Witney's song didn't work as much for me is that unlike the iconic Singin' in the Rain, or "America" from West Side Story, Alfonso's song wasn't clearly recognized for being in Austin Powers. Here's hoping that Alfonso starts channeling his groove train again soon.


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DWTS Week 7: Sexy Sweaty Skimpy Latin Night

Meryl and Maks doing a salsa. Courtesy of On The Red Carpet/ABC/Adam Taylor.

Controversies and injuries permeated this week’s episode of Dancing with the Stars. It was Latin Night, which translated to sexy, steamy, and mostly not a lot of clothes. (I thought it was wonderful!) Some others did not share that view.

Host Erin Andrews’ best move so far this season was to goad #DWTS viewers to vote (via Twitter) whether or not Tony should dance with his shirt off or on. Of course, the vote was “Off.” Sadly, the couple’s fate also ended up being “off”...the show. Although they were due to be ejected, IMHO. They were my least favorite at this point in the competition. NeNe never really got the whole complicated steps part. She definitely had the big personality down, but dance isn’t all about that, sorry.

Interesting changes this season to DWTS. As you can see, costuming is not what it once was, it’s much more modern and with the times these days. So too, the music. Much more heavy beat, club kind of music. I do think it’ll go far to bring in a younger audience, but still not sure if I like it.

Val and Danica do a samba. Courtesy of ABC/Adam Taylor

Let’s jump to the injuries. Danica broke her rib, yet still decided to dance. I do believe that if she were not injured, this dance would’ve been one of my favorites all season. But they opted not to do any of the lifts they had planned.

This dance also brings up something which I find curious about this season. Previously, the dance being judged was only the two people at hand. More and more this season, the dancers are bringing in the troupe as backup. Certainly it adds more depth to the presentation, but I don’t know that it’s entirely fair to those who only dance with two people.

Val and Danica do a steamy samba.

Also dancing with a passel of people (and no injuries!), in the dance I considered the dance of the night, were Maks and Meryl, doing a salsa. (See pic above.) I still love this pairing and what they are doing with dance the most, and want them to win.

Also on the injury tangent, we have Derek and Amy. They had an amazing rumba that they performed. Very sexy, very sensual. The pictures don’t even do it justice. It was just fluid poetry to watch.

Derek Hough and Amy Purdy do a tantalizing rumba.

But sometime after their dance, she got injured and had to go to the hospital midshow. She was unable to participate in the team dances, and they had to judge it from the rehearsal footage (which was amazing).

Here’s hoping that both injured competitors regain their health swiftly.

There were other controversies. Meryl (one half of the Charlie and Meryl ice dancing gold medal team) is knocking out 10 after 10 after 10 being paired with Maks. Charlie, not so much. Sharna, to her credit, is choreographing some amazing stuff, but I think that Charlie is his own worst enemy here. I really do think that in ice dancing (or ice skating competition in general) it really is all about the scores. With dance (and DWTS in particular), it’s about the dance, and Charlie is forgetting that. Or needs to learn it.

They were tasked to do a paso doble (which we haven’t seen nearly enough of this season yet).

Sharna Burgess and Charlie White. Courtesy of ABC/Adam Taylor. 

This picture really says it all (why their scores were not 10s). She is totally in it, and he looks like he’s still struggling. Sorry Charlie, but I can promise you this. You are going to be voted out of this thing before Meryl is.

Now we get to the big controversy that’s blowing up social media. Mind you, these are the people who got all up in arms about Janet Jackson’s nipple, so I tend to ignore them.

In one corner, we have the Candaces of the world (who actually send her children out of the studio during Peta’s dance!), and then we have this.

Latin dances are supposed to be hot, steamy, sexy. On this night, there was no more sexy one than Peta and James’ samba. Her choreography was stunning, the concept was great. He’s a gas station worker, and she stops by for some gas. Along the way, they are stripping off each other’s clothes, and she’s dancing most of the time in skimpy lingerie. I thought it was awesome.

Peta Murgatroyd and James Maslow do a steamy samba. Courtesy of On the Red Carpet/ABC/Adam Taylor.

Now, on the other side of the spectrum... At the beginning of Latin Night, when I saw what Candace was wearing, compared to the others, I thought she looked like a nun. Certainly we knew she wasn’t going to be wearing what Peta was wearing. However, that being said, I was pretty stunned when I really enjoyed their Argentine tango. Candace seriously rocked it.

Candace Cameron-Bure and Mark Ballas do an Argentine tango.

Mark Ballas and Candace Cameron Bure do an Argentine tango. Courtesy of OTRC/ABC/Adam Taylor.

It was also interesting that Candace and Mark went to a sports psychologist as part of their package, and she admitted that she’d never been in therapy! (An actress never before in therapy? WHAT?) Anyway, it had the result of making her more vulnerable and human to the audience. She remarked that she felt like she had been letting Mark down, and I am glad she came to that realization, because her dance tonight was much better.

So, as much as I hate to admit it, Candace does deserve to stay another week. I was proud of her.

Our lovely hosts, Tom Bergeron and Erin Andrews. Ricky Martin, guest judge, behind.

The losing team.

As I predicted last week, Derek’s team (again) won the team dance, and someone from the losing team went home.

The winning team (minus Amy Purdy, who was in the hospital). Courtesy of ABC/Adam Taylor.

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DWTS Week 2: It's Not YOU, It's the Character

Sharna Burgess and Charlie White. Courtesy of ABC/Adam Taylor.

It’s been an interesting season of Dancing With the Stars so far. It’s only Week 2 of Season 18, and already we have learned so much.

The thing that I love about #DWTS (well, so many things)... is that you really do learn a lot about this art form called dance, if you really truly listen.

This dance above, for example. Sharna Burgess and Charlie White’s tango, in which all-around great guy Charlie White had to enlist Maksim Chmerkovskiy so he could truly put forth a character which is two-timing and with a roving eye. (I might add that Charlie did not achieve said aim to these eyes, but his dancing was decent along the way.)

And that is something at an advanced level of dancing, I might add. Actors, for example, in their beginning days, may think they just have to stand up and say a bunch of lines. As their learning progresses, they learn that to be a good actor, they have to actually convincingly portray someone else (someone who is NOT them). And if they are a truly sublime actor, they truly become that person before your eyes. Convince you with every fiber of their being that they ARE that person, and that the words they are saying are TRUE, that is, from their very soul. That’s tough stuff. Most actors, frankly, do not attain such heights, only a handful really make that transformation.

But we learned, if we did not know it already, in this Week 2 episode of #DWTS, that great dancing involves creating a character, WHO IS NOT YOU, to inform the dance. For example, tangos. The greatest tangos, as we have seen, involve lots of passion and drama. Those participants may or may not have such passion between them, but they have to CONVINCE us they do. They have to convey the love story, and the dance is the vehicle with which to do that.

Also, anything that gets in the way of the essential heart of the drama being played out is going to detract from the dance.

I bring all this Dance Education 101 up because of what else happened in Week 2, which we saw hints of on Week 1. Namely, this.

The oh-so-patient Mark Ballas and Candace.

Now, Miss Candace has already warned us (last week) that she’s “a mom,” who won’t be partaking in any of those skimpy costumes this show struts around. I’m sure there are those in the audience cheering this decision. (Mind you, those are also the folks who had a problem with Janet Jackson’s nipple.) AND, as if that weren’t bad enough, this week, we get to see her NIX the idea of Mark taking his shirt off.

Mark and Candace were set to dance A RUMBA, arguably the sexiest dance this show offers, and she is making them dress in sackcloth. :-0

Here’s the thing, Candace Cameron-Bure, and take this advice very seriously. IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. When you are dancing, you are a CHARACTER. And it’s not that DWTS just likes to have everyone running around in skimpy outfits. Think for a moment. You have a limited amount of time (what is it, three minutes?) to convey something to an audience. You use every device at your disposal (BRAVO to the stage crafters, lighting designers, producers and others who make magic every week on DWTS). But one of those devices is also COSTUMES.

How does one convey that this romance between two people is the hottest you’ve ever seen? In three minutes? Sorry, but it helps if you have two partially unclothed people, because it conveys some kind of sexual activity between them. It’s a shorthand that everyone in the audience understands.

I don’t give a crap that you are a Mom, and you feed your kids peanut butter and jelly on lunches. In that moment, when I am a viewer watching your dance, all I want to see is the emotion, and the sexuality, that you are supposed to be portraying. That’s it. And if you don’t give us that: THE DANCE LOSES.

Poor Mark Ballas. He had to suffer through this kind of nonsense with Bristol Palin. His interview in Week 2 noted about Candace, “you are even worse than Bristol Palin.” SIGH. I really feel for him in this.

So, in their dance, he did what he could, emoting up a storm to convey that these two people are desperately passionate in their Week 2 RUMBA, but what could you do?

The professional Mark Ballas and the prude Candace Cameron Bure.

Sorry, but this is just not selling “sexy” to me, though I can really see Mark Ballas trying hard. But they look like nuns. Horrible stuff. Eh.

Later, when the judges scored her negatively for doing an unsexy rumba, she had the balls to say, “I want to reserve certain things for my husband.” Jeez, woman, get off the stage. We are not asking you to have sex with Mark Ballas in front of us. This is a CHARACTER and it’s in service of the DANCE. If you don’t get that, well, frankly, you shouldn’t have signed up for this show.

Let me show you a contrast.

James and Peta do a salsa (also a very sexy dance). In his interview, he jokes about doing it fully nude. Now THAT would be a very sexy salsa. All 10s! Ahem... anyway... their dance was STEAMY. They were my second favorite of the week. Look.

Peta Murgatroyd and James Maslow do a samba. Courtesy of ABC/Adam Taylor.

Steamy, right? Sexy just dripping from this picture. Now there is also nothing in this photo that one would have to “save for their husband.” The dancer, Peta, is conveying mostly by her costume, that the salsa is one sexy dance. That’s the deal here, Constance.

And guess what? James and Peta were the second-highest scorers of the night.

Also, if you think of dance in a kind of feng-shui way, you don’t want to throw up anything which is going to block the emotion and the sexuality you are trying to convey. Taking a stance of “I’m not going to do that, and I’m not going to let you as my partner do that either,” just ruins it. There’s no other way to say it.

I am simply crying for Mark Ballas right now.

But OK, to the rest of the show, and those who DO get it.

Those voted out this week (two couples) were Diana Nyad and whoever it was she was dancing with, and Karina and her lunkhead hockey player. Hopefully we will see Karina back during that Switch Up thing at least. But honestly, I’m really glad to see both of those couples go. Will be glad to see Billy Dee Williams leave very soon too. And, as much as I love Mark and his dancing, I really hate what Constance is doing, so Goodbye to them soon too... (hopefully).

Oh, but let’s talk about what we enjoyed this week, shall we?

We had this:

NeNe Leakes and Tony Dovolani do a jive.

And this:

Cheryl Burke and Drew Carey’s jive.

Speaking of hotness, and not afraid to show it, we had this:

Danica McKellar and Val Chmerkovskiy do a hot samba.

A continuously amazing pair: Derek Hough and Amy Purdy, who did an incredible swing dance this week.

Derek Hough’s amazing swing choreography with Amy Purdy.

Derek, as always, had amazing choreography. But look at this swing move (above). He swung her whole body around, in time to the music. Incredible.

With the ice dancing couples, let’s start with Charlie and Sharna. As mentioned a bit above, one of Charlie White’s greatest challenges in this show is not the choreography, but to unlearn the concept of constant smiling (which you have to do in figure skating). Also, the tango, which he attempted this week, is about anger and volatile passion, whereas Mr. White seem like a total pussycat.

So, the steps were there, but the bubbling passion underneath (to me) was not. I hope they get a chance to do another (maybe Argentine tango) later in the season, when he’s worked on this concept a bit more.

Also, they danced to a song which said, “I’m Addicted to You,” and Charlie’s stage direction was to be looking out at other women in the audience. Clearly, if one is addicted to someone, that person is all they can think about, so the song (as far as character motivation) didn’t work at all for me.

Sharna Burgess and Charlie White do a tango.

However, bravo to the costumers who are doing more with sheer fabrics so that you can see the feet of the female dancers. This one, on Sharna, was just stunning and mesmerizing. (And while we’re talking costuming, can I just say how much I love that they are wearing sneakers much more, both women and men?)

But my favorite dance of the night was the other ice dancing couple, Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Meryl Davis. Maks called it, “the most lift-y routine I’ve ever done.” He says he’s “way too old for this,” but I thought he looked just great out there.

Meryl Davis and Maksim Chmerkovskiy swinging.

And the interplay between Maks and Erin was once again golden. Love it!

All in all, some really great dances already at Week 2. I don’t know about you, but I’m still thanking the lucky stars that Maksim is back.

Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Meryl Davis do a swing. Courtesy of ABC.

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