DWTS Season 25, Week 1 A Crazy Mix of Folks

Twenty-five seasons of the show we love the most: Dancing with the Stars! How is that possible? Wow. Congrats, #DWTS. And who do we have on this season’s show? All of the people above! (Note: Mark Ballas is back! Cheryl Burke is back! YAY!)

Oh, you mean the celebs? The “stars”? Eh. Let's start at the beginning. Well, first, we inexplicably had Sharna (in her heels) and Alan walking in the desert. *head scratch*

Then, we had Len come from out of nowhere and save them. And then we had (finally) this GREAT Mandy Moore dance.

Boy, doesn't she know how to highlight what needs to be highlighted?

The first two dancers are the ones whom I think will go the distance: Lindsey Sterling (and her partner Mark Ballas) and Lindsay Arnold and Jordan Fisher. Then, Jordan throws his hat to the man who SHOULD'VE been here among the pros, but is still thankfully in the troupe: Sasha Farber.

And Sasha sorta introduces Sasha (Pieterse, that is) and Gleb. Then Nikki Bella and Artem. Val Chmerkovskiy leads us to Derek Fisher and his partner Sharna. Then, we have two baby carriages and two married couples. Nick and Vanessa Lachey dancing with Peta and Maks. Terrell Owens, dancing with Cheryl Burke. (BTW, they are all dancing to “Dancing in the Street,” and they are... in the street.)

Emma Slater (last season’s wondrous champ) dances next to a picture of her partner, Drew Scott of The Property Brothers, as noted Shark Barbara Corcoran comes out with a SOLD sign with her partner Keo.

All pros dance, to reveal Val Chmerkovskiy and his partner Victoria Arlen. Debbie Gibson dances with Alan. Witney and Frankie Muniz. Then, a massive crowd scene, as the premiere is known for. And they all start running, to be on the stage again. (Except now, Drew Scott is actually here.)

Thank you, Mandy Moore. That was AMAZING.

Tom Bergeron mentions how Mandy Moore just won an Emmy for her work on last season. Congrats to her. We love you, Mandy. You are a big part of what makes this show so great.

Wanna see the chaos of the first week of #DWTS? Here you go.

So let’s begin with all the competitive dancing of this mass of people.

And BTW, when did football players become “pro bowlers”? What are actual pro bowlers called then? But I digress...

First up, the wondrous and amazing Cheryl Burke and Terrell Williams (?), some football player dude.

They do a cha cha to “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” (nice hearing more Motown after the Motown opener). (And welcome back, Miss Cheryl. We missed you!)

Tom mentions that ”our original three judges are back.” Len: “you really got the party started.”

JUDGES’ SCORES: 15 (out of 30)

Well, they do tend to start with low scores at the beginning, but 4s and 5s are the ones they really hate. So...

I gotta say, I have mixed feelings about this couple. First, it’s Debbie Gibson, who doesn’t even look like Debbie Gibson. Plus, although we’ve had people with one leg, various diseases and impediments, it’s really not disease of the week time. You don’t come on #DWTS because you found out you have a disease, especially a disease which causes you to not be able to move, which is what she says in her first package. That’s a disservice to the audience, IMHO.

Plus, we have Alan, who is likeable enough (in his first season as a pro), but I have a resentment because that really should have been Sasha Farber up there. So, let’s just say, I am already not liking this pair, and want them to exit as soon as possible.

Great costumes for this foxtrot. Oh, I guess she was dancing to one of her songs.

JUDGES’ SCORES: 17 (out of 30)

So this one, who is apparently on Pretty Little Liars, says that she wants to be on #DWTS because she’s getting married and wants to lose some weight. So go join a gym. What is wrong with these people?

They also have huge letters, spelling out SASHA on the stage, which, for me, only serves to underscore the SASHA who should be dancing right now, isn’t. :-(

Their cha cha is ok. Costumes and set are great.

JUDGES’ SCORES: 18 (out of 30)

They do a bit before the couple dances where they are polishing the Mirror Ball, and the other previous past winner (with Emma) Rashad Jennings comes up onstage and helps them polish it. Cute.

Gotta say, it is weird to see Drew without Jonathan. Also, in the opening package, he promises Emma that if they win the Mirror Ball, he’ll “come and renovate your kitchen.” Hahahaha. (We all know that Jonathan does all the renovation.) He also tells us that he has mad karate moves. Um... Ok...

Drew and Emma dance to Madness’ “Our House” (very funny). They do get props for picking great music. LOVE her dress. Great stuff.

JUDGES’ SCORES: 16 (out of 30)

Back when this was filmed, all the macking on Keo that she does in the package was called “entertainment.” Today, it might be called “sexual harassment.” But in any case, we have Barbara and Keo, attempting to do a salsa to “Shake Your Moneymaker.” The less said about all this, the better.

JUDGES’ SCORES: 14 (out of 30)

So, we go from the evening’s worst performance to the evening’s best. Jordan Fisher, late of “Hamilton” on Broadway, and Lindsay Arnold, who has placed fourth, then third, then second (last year)... and this year? From this first evening, and this first dance, I could totally see them winning it all. They are an incredible pairing.

The only thing about this: this dance was precise and they did the steps amazingly. However, there is zero sexual chemistry between them, and that's a problem with a sensual dance like the tango.

JUDGES’ SCORES: 22 (out of 30)

Then, we have this. The Married Couples.

First up, Peta and Nick do a cha cha.

Best thing about this cha cha? Sasha Farber’s also in it. And Nick has a great asset with two-time Mirror Ball winner Peta Murgatroyd.

JUDGES’ SCORES: 18 (out of 30)

OK. We get it, Vanessa. You’re a mom.

She comes out pushing this baby carriage. The song is “I’m a Mother.” And it’s a cha cha, just like Nick just did with Peta.

JUDGES’ SCORES: 21 (out of 30)

Erin tries to mention that that’s higher than Nick and Peta. Maks steps in and says that it’s not about the scores.

Tom Bergeron: “Wow. Maks got married, had a baby, and someone took his personality.”

Our little Frankie Muniz from “Malcolm in the Middle” is back to dance again!

Beautiful foxtrot. Just beautiful.

JUDGES’ SCORES: 19 (out of 30)

Nikki Bella, of WWE fame, is paired with Artem for this tango. Everyone seems so nervous tonight.

JUDGES’ SCORES: 20 (out of 30)

Derek Fisher, of late of the Los Angeles Lakers, dances salsa to a basketball song with Sharna Burgess. She ends it with her signature move, that she doesn't do with everyone, where her head almost hits the ground. Dramatic, but scary.

JUDGES’ SCORES: 18 (out of 30)

Victoria Arlen, who a year ago couldn’t walk, decides to do this show. She is paired with Val. They do an amazing cha cha, with incredible choreography by Val. Pink is her signature color.

JUDGES’ SCORES: 19 (out of 30)

Lindsay Stirling, famed electric violinist, is a creative mind to match Mark Ballas, and I don’t say that often. On this evening, I think they saved the best for last. They are amazing together. I have so missed Mark’s creativity and choreography on this show. So glad he’s back, and he and Lindsay did an amazing cha cha.

JUDGES’ SCORES: 22 (out of 30)

What a way to end this first show of the Season. Wow.

MICHE’S FAVORITES OF WEEK 1, SEASON 25
1. Lindsay Stirling and Mark Ballas, cha cha
2. Lindsay Arnold and Jordan Fisher, tango
3. Victoria and Val, cha cha
4. Vanessa and Maks, cha cha
5. Frankie and Witney, foxtrot
6. Derek and Sharna, salsa
7. Nick and Peta, cha cha
8. Drew and Emma, foxtrot
9. Cheryl and Terrell, cha cha

Look where her hand is! (No, don't look.)

Oh, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go home now
1. Barbara and Keo
2. Debbie and Alan
3. Sasha and Gleb

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DWTS S024, Week 1: Quite a Bit of Crazy, Quite a Bit of Sublime

The big question on the first episode of any Dancing with the Stars season is: What kind of looney-tunes do they have on this season? And, also, who are the ones who are going to take our breath away?

Well, happily (and sadly) we got the answers to both of those questions in this episode.

Let's start at the beginning, though, shall we?

The season kicks off with a splashy red carpet simulation, the highlight of which is Maks kissing Len on the cheek.

Everyone pairs up with their partner, and the judges come out, all to the opening number dance. Very nice. Bows to the wondrous Mandy Moore for the choreography.

First up in this mega-star parade of dances is our returning champion, Valentin Chmerkovskiy and his new partner, Normani, whose day job is singing in some band called Fifth Harmony. (That was sarcasm, people, don't send me emails.)

"This is going to be like a hybrid of old-school and new-school swagger," says choreographer extraordinaire Val. And this quickstep is indeed that. Beautifully executed, and they look great together.

Tom calls it, "a high-octane start to the season," although Len (back for the full season this time, YAY!) disagrees. "It was a bit long-winded getting started and getting down on this dance floor." (And later, he gives it a 6, which makes Val wince.) Len also said, "You've got to get a bit more body contact going."

JUDGES' SCORE: 27 out of 40

Next up, Artem pairs with figure skater Nancy Kerrigan. We do love Nancy Kerrigan, but it has been awhile since her skates captured our minds and hearts.

They dance a Viennese waltz to Billy Joel's "She's Always a Woman." It ends with flakes of snow tumbling down, and a real skating type of twirl. Nice.

The judges mention her skater's focus, instead of dancer's focus.

JUDGES' SCORE: 28 out of 40

Tom mentions that this show is the 400th! (Congrats, #DWTS!) "But we don't look a day over 380."

And here, we have our first trainwreck. First, Witney is not the smartest of the bunch. Great dancer, but wow, her lack of knowledge sometimes! She has NO IDEA who Chris Kattan is. She says she's never seen an episode of SNL. (Yikes.) And not like Mango is so indelible anyway.

I pretty much like this couple the least of all the ones performing tonight. Did I mention he can't dance either?

One of Carrie Ann's "favorite things in life is goofy bad dancing." So she loved Kattan's routine.

Len takes it further, "If you were trying to do 'goofy bad dancing,' you pulled it off. The best thing about that cha cha is that I haven't got to watch it again."

JUDGES' SCORE: 17 out of 40    :-0

Let's keep another score. Chris Kattan dances... well, "dances," despite having broken his neck earlier in life. Bonner Bolton, the bull rider, also had broken his neck. Luckily for us, he dances better.

Sharna is just cha chaing away in her cowboy boots. This dance was a fun one, and more than one person mentions their chemistry.

Carrie Ann says, "It was like watching Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise."

Bruno: "How can you resist a cowboy with a killer forward thrust?" (as he's saying this, he's miming a...Ahem...forward thrust... one that makes everyone blush.) I think Bonner got Bruno's vote. Sharna looks beyond embarrassed at what Bruno just said.

Tom: "Seek out the safety of the skybox..."

But in the skybox... Erin, "Carrie Ann mentioned 'oozing,' there was a lot of oozing..." (She says, very slowly...)

Bonner mentions his hat got in the way. Erin, "Oh honey, no one cared about the hat..."

Bonner then thanks his coach, Sharna, "She's been drilling me hard, and working me hard, and cracking that whip." (I so wish I had a picture to put in right here of Carrie Ann's face when he said that!)

JUDGES' SCORE: 22 out of 40

Then, another train wreck. Charo. You remember Charo? She's truly got to be like 100 years old. But she's had a lot of work done, so it's really hard to tell. Charo's schtick, for those who aren't hip to it, is to purposely speak bad English that turns out really sexual in the translation, "I got bumps all over my goose," she says in the package, as she's gyrating her (ancient) crotch. She is an entertainment force of nature (whose time has passed).

Nonetheless, she is now on the show, and she bops through a salsa with Keo and her mile-high hair. As they wait for the judges' scores, she is not patient. At one point, she attempts to charge Bruno, and Tom stops her. Then, when she gets her bad scores, she says: "Why?" in Spanish. (Even though each of the judges has just detailed why.) Tom has quite the ordeal to keep her from going back and punching the judges. "I'm not getting paid enough for this," he pleas.

JUDGES' SCORE: 21 out of 40

Then, we have the most recent Bachelor, Nick Viall, now spreading his ABC franchise coin by trying this Dancing with the Stars thing. *sigh* But, he's paired with Peta Murgatroyd who has been proven to whip a silk purse out of a sow's dancing ear, so who knows? And Peta says she's "defending her title," since the last time she was on the show, she took the Mirror Ball. Then Val won it in between, while she was off having Maks' baby.

But I'll say this right now. People have counted Nick Viall out before, and been dead wrong. I am predicting right now that he goes far in this competition. Much further than many think on the first night.

As he says in the package: "Look out, Mr. T." and "Maks' partner?" Peta: "She was Beyonce's back-up dancer." Nick: "It's gonna really suck for her when we get better scores." Peta laughs. I'm not laughing. He's a very determined man.

Peta: "You'll be like the best Bachelor, that's ever been on the show." Nick scowls and says, "I hope I can aim higher than that."

And indeed, their cha cha was much better than what went before. Course, what went before was Chris Kattan and Charo, so... *shudders*

As they finish, the camera makes a quick cut to our lovely Jenna... who is IN THE AUDIENCE!!! WTF? She's not dancing this season? :-(  That is an extreme bummer.

JUDGES' SCORE: 24 out of 40

So, it's about the halfway point of the first night here. Let me explain something about Dancing with the Stars (if you don't already know this). How it's supposed to work is that you get rank amateurs, who've never danced before, but are famous in SOME OTHER WAY, and prove that they can actually dance.

Somewhere along the way, people decided that they really wanted to see good dance, after all, and those rank amateurs aren't going to do all the flips and spectacular moves that normal people would do, so DWTS has been slowly morphing into something else. It has become about six completely out of the running has-beens who make for good comedy in the beginning, and six actual competitors. USUALLY.

This time around, and I'm always suspicious when this happens, we have A FOR-REAL DANCER. Heather Morris, for those who don't know, was on Glee. However, she was hired onto Glee because SHE'S A DANCER. They already had a bunch of great singers. They needed a great dancer. And she is.

So Julianne and everyone tries to downplay this at the beginning. Oh, BEING BEYONCE'S BACK-UP DANCER is a different kind of dance, it's not BALLROOM. Yeah, um, ok. Shut up.

If there is such a thing on this show as putting one's thumb on the scale, that thumb is Heather Morris. And she's paired with Maks, arguably one of the show's best dancers.

Maks gives Heather a word of encouragement in the package: "Even if you sucked, and this was all a facade, you would have been amazing anyway, because it's ME teaching you."

And it's true. Their Viennese waltz is just a thing of beauty, right out of the gate. Truly miles above anyone else who has just performed. (IMHO)

But Carrie Ann hits on this team's only real drawback: Heather is not a star (like many others on this season are). She's a BACKGROUND dancer. That's what she's good at, supporting others. What will determine if she can win this is if she can step up and own her stardom.

Carrie Ann: "I feel like we got to know everyone else who danced. I don't feel like we got to know you."

Best thing about it: the Tom pinch is back! (Maks likes to pinch Tom's butt.) I missed that!

JUDGES' SCORE: 28 out of 40

I don't know about you, but for me, one of the highlights of last year was the Chicago Cubs being in, and WINNING the World Series. I'm still on a happy high from it, honestly. And anyone who watched knows David Ross for his game-winning homer, in that magical last game. That kind of magic takes you far.

And well, he wanted it to take him to Dancing with the Stars, apparently. Luckily for him, he's paired with the wonderful Lindsay, who does take people quite far, indeed. And David Ross is the first baseball player to compete on DWTS.

They perform a quickstep, fittingly, to the song you heard EVERYWHERE during the Series last year (and in the park in many other years): "Go Cubs Go!" Their names at the opening are on the Wrigley scoreboard. It was so fun.

They also cut to the Cubs at spring training in Arizona, who were watching and cheering David on. That was nice.

JUDGES' SCORE: 28 out of 40

I'm pretty convinced after seeing Gleb awhile now, that his wheelhouse is the sexy thing. That's where he parks it, that's what he does. So this season kicks off with a unicorn (no kidding) and a long-haired blonde with big boobs. Oh joy. There is certainly trepidation on my part, with that shower Argentine tango from last season still burned into my brain, I'm not expecting much.

But Erika Jayne! Wow. Never seen her before, but she is certainly a force to be reckoned with. She does, however, perform this first week to her own song (*Yuck*). "It's Expensive to Be Me."

Not surprisingly, the judges are predictable. Len thought it was "too raunchy." Julianne wanted more salsa content (as did Len). Bruno loved the sex. "It felt like a night in Caligula's palace." Carrie Ann wants her to "go out of your comfort zone. Go more in the elegant zone next week."

JUDGES' SCORE: 24 out of 40

Emma Slater is a hard-working dancer on this show who REALLY deserves a break. She's been saddled with all kinds of people: old, fat, can't move. Never really had a winning combination yet. This one may change that.

She pulls out the "24-Carat Magic" song from the end of last season to do this great cha-cha. It's got attitude, it's got verve. It's a winner.

It starts out with this circle of gold light, that it appears that he's showering in. Gold everywhere. Gorgeous.

Julianne: "I think you've got the magic to make it all the way." She calls it "the dance of the night."

Bruno: "That was the revelation of the night. You were sparkling with star-quality all the way through. I can't believe what I've seen."

Carrie Ann: "You've got the moves, you've got the magic, but now you've got all of our attention. Cause that was killer."

Len, of course, is the wet blanket.

JUDGES' SCORE: 31 out of 40  (Best score of the night so far)

Another one of the joke celebs, especially after that sublime cha cha from Emma and Rashad... It's not even worth talking about this one realistically. Though I do love Kym. Good to see her back.

Len: "The T doesn't stand for 'technique.' "

JUDGES' SCORE: 20 out of 40

Our last competitor follows in the footsteps of last season's winner, Laurie Hernandez, her teammate Simone Biles. They were/are both young, and inexperienced in the ways of the other sex. "Is this the first time you've ever looked into a boy's eyes?" asks Sasha. "Well, you're welcome." (I personally think Sasha is very dreamy.)

They broke out all the stops for this one, with really cool lights.

Incredible tango. For Len, THIS was the dance of the night.

JUDGES' SCORE: 32 out of 40 (highest score of the night).

And at the end, in the closing credits, you see a star for Florence Henderson with "Season 11" at the bottom. Nice.

Here's the way I see the season breaking down from this point.  You have the Chmerkovskiy families (Maksim, Peta and Val) vs. the Farber families (Sasha and Emma).

Those are honestly the ones I see in the final five. Going to be interesting to see who wins.

MICHE'S FAVORITE DANCES OF WEEK 1
1. Rashad and Emma's cha cha
2. Heather and Maks' Viennese waltz
3. Simone and Sasha's tango
4. Normani and Val's quickstep
5. Nick and Peta's cha cha
6. Bonner and Sharna's cha cha
7. Nancy and Artem's Viennese waltz
8. David and Lindsay's quickstep

Yeah... Heather has NO dance experience... *eyeroll*

IN IT TO WIN IT
1. Heather Morris and Maks (seriously?)
2. Normani (from Fifth Harmony) and Val
3. Emma and Rashad
4. Simone Biles and Sasha Farber
5. Nancy Kerrigan and Artem
6. Nick Viall and Peta

Sharna and Bonner

JURY'S OUT
1. Sharna and Bonner
2. David and Lindsay
3. Erika and Gleb

PLEASE GO HOME NOW
1. Chris Kattan *shudders*
2. Charo *shudders*
3. Mr. T

Look who's in the audience? The woman who won (Laurie Hernandez) and the woman who shoulda (Terra Jole).

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DWTS S023, Week 1: Protests in the Ballroom Ruffle an Otherwise Fun Night

Tom Bergeron keeps control. Ryan ("I thought they were over this") Lochte, Cheryl Burke.

Most of the time, the "stars" on Dancing with the Stars (now back for its 23rd season) are in career hell, and want to get out. They use it as a vehicle to present a better image to America than the one they currently have. I almost can't remember a season when there were people in bigger need of rehabilitation than this season's crop on #DWTS.

As this season's stars were announced, we were just finishing up watching a pretty wonderful (all things considered) Olympics down in Rio. But then, just at the tail end, the whole Ryan Lochte mess blew up. He'd already been signed to #DWTS, but it sure looked like a Hail, Mary. And I don't think he (or the producers really realized how much venom there was floating around America about the lies Lochte had just spewed).

I can't speak for everyone, but I still have a foul taste in my mouth from the whole Lochte mess, and he may WANT to put it behind him, but it's obviously NOT. I bring all this up because the usually pretty normal ballroom was disrupted by Lochte protestors.

It's a live show, and Carrie Ann is giving her critique of the Burke-Lochte dance, and kept saying "Excuse Me," as the protestor is trying to talk into camera. Course, #DWTS has a gazillion cameras, and the show isn't going to use the one the guy's talking into. No, we see Carrie Ann's "Excuse me," and footage from the dance in question over and over. Then Tom Bergeron blissfully cuts to commercial.

What we didn't see was the security team having knocked the guy to the ground.

It turns out, there were two guys, both of whom were arrested, and four others in the stands (all wearing "No Lochte" T-shirts).

Derek Hough (God bless him) goes to those folks and tells them to leave. "This is a good show for good folks," he says. (Then why is Lochte there, one wonders...)

My sense of it all is that America's just not over the debacle yet, and aren't ready to just go quietly as if nothing had happened. So this season is going to be interesting. I have never seen such a disruption in all the time I've been watching #DWTS.

Ah, but let's get back to the dancing and the show, shall we? The grand and glorious and amazing beginning, before the mad scuffle happened.

Actually, let me start even before that. Big things are changing this season. We have a brand-spanking new director, after having the same one for so very long (although we have the same showrunner). We have Maks and Cheryl and Derek back!!!! We have no Mark Ballas (which is more gut-wrenching that I can even describe). We also have no Shannon as pro, and it doesn't even look like he's in the troupe (at least not yet, anyway). We have no Karina or Anna or Peta. But we DO have Jenna as a pro for the first time! YAY! We also have Emma Slater back! YAY. I so love her. We have Allison back, after her baby. YAY! We have Gleb back, who was on so long ago I don't even remember him. No Tony, sadly. We distinctly DO NOT have Keo, either as a pro or in the troupe. (Also YAY!) So, all in all, it should be an interesting season.

I do think they match the pros to the people they'll be dancing with, both in height and spirit and temperament. Glad to see Sasha back too.

Now, the past few seasons of #DWTS, they've had big splashy openings. Hard to top the "Everyone on Hollywood Blvd." opening, though last season's "Everyone downtown at night" tried to.

Well, this season, in a shot many will be talking about for months (was that a drone camera? what was that?), we have "Everyone at Griffith Park and the observatory." The very first recognizable person you see on screen is Maksim Chmerkovskiy, which shows you how this season's going to go. I saw him in an interview recently where he spoke about how it would be interesting coming back when his brother (Valentin Chmerkovskiy) "has basically become the star of the show." And he has. Val is the more charming, kinder version of Maks. As to the better dancer? Hmmm...

We'll get to that. Back to the spectacular opening number, choreographed by Mandy Moore, of course. Maks opens it up, and moves off frame. To Val, Sharna, Artem and Witney, who were the face of this new season before the whole Maks/Cheryl/Derek thing was announced. Then we add Sasha and Emma (nice!). Then Gleb and Lindsay, then Jenna (surrounded by men, nice callback), then Allison and Derek. They are dancing all around Griffith Observatory, and the camera (drone camera?) is circling around, as it does on #DWTS. Then Cheryl gets her moment. Then everyone, as the camera goes higher in the sky, turns into a star on the ground. Which then turns white, then red.

Then back to the dancers, who lead us to the open door, which takes us back to the actual #DWTS stage. Phenomenal work. Stunning to watch.

Tom Bergeron and Erin Andrews are back. Yay! Their teleprompter is not working. :-( They cover it well.

So what is the perfect thing to follow up that amazing breath-taking first dance? A breathless fangirl star who is thrilled to be here. Enter Marilu Henner. She is paired, to her amazement, with Derek Hough. Which means, of course, that she's going to be lasting almost the whole season no matter what. She was beside herself.

They do a nice jive, even though Marilu looks a bit nervous and uptight. As Tom pans to the judges' table, we see that Derek's sister, Julianne Hough, is back in judging position. YAY! (So we have four judges now. Apparently, they only let three of them talk after each dance.)

James, the racecar driver, and Sharna have a nice chemistry. I can see rooting for them all season long. Their foxtrot (other than her dress being slightly too long) was quite wonderful.

Thank goodness we don't have a million football players this time around (only one). This guy they call "Megatron" dances well with Lindsay. I've quite grown to like her as a pro as well, so I'm looking forward to this season.

Another over-the-moon fangirl about the show is Maureen McCormick, who dances a very nice Viennese waltz with Artem. To "You Make Me Feel (Like a Natural Woman)."

And Maureen's TV mom, Florence Henderson (who also competed on this show) is front and center, with tears in her eyes. Very nice TV moment.

(I'm rooting hard for Marilu and Maureen at this moment.)

I am so so so very glad to have Allison back again. She was greatly missed. And her foxtrot with Babyface was quite nice to watch. (Gorgeous dress, as well.)

Next up? Amber Rose and Maksim Chmerkovskiy. Excuse me if you know her, but I've never heard of her. She's got a very Kim Kardashian-esque body. Very unique. In their package, Amber says to Maks: "You're misunderstood, just like me." Maks: "Everybody has a Kanye moment once in awhile." Amber: "I don't." Maks, sheepishly: "I've had a few." And here he is, back again. This really is the season of second chances and rebirth.

But now, their foxtrot. I need to pause here for a moment. By and large, my belief is that, if someone has done a really amazing dance to something on this show, the music for that shouldn't be used again. No one's ever going to do a "Singin' in the Rain" that topped what Derek did, so don't even try. Now, admittedly, this wasn't a dance in competition, so maybe it's fair game, but... I've mentioned this in my column before. Of all the dances on this show, many of them ingrained into my brain, the single dance which I've replayed over and over and over again the most times, was this one.

Jenna and Val dance, Season 21

This is the video that made Jenna a star, and proved she needed to be a pro (IMHO). Every step, every movement is iconic, IMHO. Val and Jenna. Seriously one of the best dances on this show, IMHO.

This is the dance with which big brother Maks decides to return. He does a screen thing at the beginning (where they are seen in silhouette on a screen), which was very interesting, but it took at least that long to accept that he was dancing to this dance, Val's dance. (Loved her sparkly costume, btw.)

Next up in the badly in need of image rehabilitation category: Vanilla Ice. He pushes all my buttons (the negative ones). He hadn't seen the show before, so didn't know what he was getting himself into. And, oh by the way, is currently on tour (so has no time to rehearse). Ugh. Luckily, he won't be long for this world. They dance (he and partner Witney) to, of course, "Ice Ice Baby," which was a hit before Witney was born. Yikes.

This song was the first to feature troupe dancers (see my previous comments about how they use troupe dancers to cover up that you suck).

Suffice to say that Vanilla Ice kicked off the "less good" parts of the show.

They were followed by Gleb Savchenko and some country singer named Jena. Gleb was on a long time ago (before I started watching, so it had to be before Season 10), which is to say before #DWTS hit the stride it's in now. They may not have had the strict rules about content in dances that they do now. Not sure. Only know that they were doing a Viennese waltz, which came out very...um, steamy. Judge Len put it best: "I wasn't transported to old Vienna." It's supposed to be soft and light and sunshine and roses (when done properly) and this was all hard-edged, and I want to bang you now (never a Len favorite). Even Carrie Ann, who is normally ok with such stuff, blurted out, "Maybe you don't have to work on sexiness anymore." (This couple better watch it, if they don't want to be detracted for no content.)

Now, the Jake T. Austin and Jenna Johnson combo is an interesting one. He strikes me, at first glance, like a pretentious twat that I wouldn't give the time of day to normally. But since he is dancing with one of my very favorite dancers, who is now a pro for the first time, I'm going to find myself compelled to vote for them. They did a nice jive this time around. (Jenna is a PRO!!! *jumps up and down*)

Then we have Rick Perry, my vote to be first to leave the ballroom. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Emma Slater, and wish she would win the Mirror Ball someday. But people who come on the show with an agenda rub me the wrong way. (Perry said he wants to "do it for the troops.") How about just getting in there and enjoying whatever the experience provides? How about not deciding what it's going to be before it even begins? Then, they danced to "God Bless Texas." Dear God, make him go away already.

#DWTS has never had (in any of the multinational versions either, apparently) a "little person" dancing. And now they have. Terra is about half of Sasha's height, and he's not the tallest of dancers. But they were entertaining and fun, and I want to see them continue. Win that Mirror Ball, Sasha!

Cheryl Burke, who just looks like a goddess these days, is a sight for sore eyes. I've missed her dancing. Not sure if it's a good or bad thing that she's been paired up with Ryan Lochte this season. They do a foxtrot to (I'm not making this up) "Call Me Irresponsible." It was pretty glorious. I did enjoy it.

But then, the scuffle...

The cast was all pretty shook up. Lochte, backstage, is still flabbergasted that people are still upset about the whole thing. (Are you kidding me?) We still hate Mel Gibson, and his drunken incident was over a decade ago now. I do believe that him jumping on this show RIGHT after the whole Olympic mess was really too soon. Whatever happens, it's going to make for good TV, but to just brush it off like it never happened, well, that's not going to happen anytime soon, pal.

So, expect #DWTS security to be way tighter next week. At least around Lochte and Burke.

Somehow, the show pulled it together to perform the last dance after all the madness. Laurie Hernandez? Who are you? Oh, yeah, you're the Olympian who actually did our country proud, and didn't cause an international incident in the process.

It's a great credit to these two performers to follow what just happened. Laurie Hernandez seems to sparkle in every room she's in, and Val Chmerkovskiy is, arguably, the face, the star of this show, the one always concerned about the fans and those at home. And they cha cha'd to "An American Girl" (note the red, white and blue?). They were not going to let us down. It was quite spectacular.

Laurie said that being on #DWTS was "the congratulations lap" after the grueling training of the Olympics. Um, ok, then.

MICHE'S FAVORITES FROM NIGHT 1
1. Laurie and Val (cha cha)
2. James and Sharna (foxtrot)
3. Marilu and Derek (jive)
4. Maureen and Artem (Viennese waltz)
5. Amber and Maks (foxtrot) (would've been higher except for song choice)
6. Babyface and Allison (foxtrot)
7. Calvin and Lindsay (cha cha)

PLEASE GO HOME NOW!
1. Rick Perry
2. Vanilla Ice

NEXT WEEK: TV Themes Night

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