Sunday, April 5, 2015

DWTS Week 3: Separating the Irritating from the Sublime

Allison and Riker. Week 3. Courtesy of ABC.
Let me start off with this. One of my pet peeves (in any season of Dancing with the Stars) is the supreme arrogance of stars who SIGN UP FOR THIS SHOW and then decide that everything else in their life is more important. Whether that's their kids, or their day job of a full-time soap opera, or some kind of football draw thing, or other modeling contracts. Whatever the heck it is, it irritates the crap out of me.

Here's how it's supposed to work, "celebrities": You sign up for the show, you devote every waking hour that you have to getting this complicated choreography right. You dream about these dances, and how you can make them better by doing better. EVERYTHING ELSE in your sorry life gets put on hold.

That's how it works. Too many people "go on Dancing with the Stars" because they think it's a thing... something that would look good on their resume. Something they can squeeze in between all the other things they really want to be doing. WELL, STOP IT.

Or, like our besotted Charlotte this week, who couldn't concentrate because of all the modeling offers she was now fielding, YOU GET VOTED OFF. Or, maybe she knew she couldn't dance a lick and just wanted to get the heck out of there, once she realized how darn hard it actually was going to be. Either way, I'm glad she's gone. I couldn't applaud fast enough for the exit of that talk show host last season who couldn't be bothered to actually learn the steps. UGH.

So, Charlotte's gone. Boo hoo. (Props to Costumes for Charlotte's amazing outfit.)

Keo and Charlotte. Courtesy of ABC.
BTW, Bruno was taking all kinds of flak for saying, "well, you're not going to win the Nobel Prize for Physics." To which wonderful host Tom Bergeron piped up: "Well, Bruno, neither are you." Both things are true.

This is a woman who made her fame for eating a burger in skimpy clothes. She's a model with big boobs, and that's pretty much all she'll ever be. Sorry, but that is the truth.

And I'm glad she's gone.

Next, on Miche's mode of irritation this week, we have the other celebrities. Not that I have anything against older people in general. I am one. But I don't go on DWTS either.

Older celebrities who need to go, and soon, are Suzanne Somers and Patti LaBelle.

Mind you, Tony Dovolani is wonderful, and he seems singularly focused on whoever his celebrity is, and I do love him for that. However, when you have celebs doing backflips and somersaults, it's hard for a 70-year-old to compete. It just is. Sorry, Tony.

Love Miss Patti LaBelle's singing. Wonderful. As a dancer, she looks like she can barely walk across the room, much less dance. She shot down Artem's idea of lifting her anywhere. All of that makes for some limiting movements.

Artem suffering through this nonsense with Patti LaBelle. Courtesy of ABC.
She doesn't want to be lifted, she doesn't really want to move all that much, and she's damn sure not gonna "hop." (Which is what this was supposed to be.). Please vote her off, and soon. She's irritating.

They do know, these celebrities, that going on Dancing with the Stars involves, um, you know... DANCING? Right? *sigh*

So, psst... Chris, the Bachelor? Come over here a minute... let me whisper this in your ear. If you want to hang on until the middle of the season, try to just put forth a minimal effort to keep you in the pack. They have to get rid of all this deadweight, and that's going to take a minute. And if you keep doing dances like this Argentine tango you did, you can really hang on, even though you really can't dance a lick either.

Chris and Witney. Courtesy of ABC.
But let's get back to some of the couples who are gladdening my soul these early weeks... Like this one.

Valentin Chmerkovskiy and Rumer Willis. Courtesy of ABC.
This brings up an interesting and not-unnoticed point. Most of the other couples were laboring under the "Latin Night" theme, doing Latin dances. However, perhaps because they are like a rocket so far ahead of the pack, someone (a producer?) gave them additional instruction that no one else seemed to get. Everyone else on this night just did straight dances. For some (inexplicable) reason, Val and Rumer had to do a mashup dance of disco and salsa.

Which, of course, they aced. So they are pretty much still far ahead of everyone else.

Well, except for this.

Riker and Allison (who also inexplicably threw an Aztec theme in there) did this amazing salsa. Just incredible. Just worlds of precision and technique away from whatever the hell it was Patti LaBelle was trying to do out there.

Loved their dance, packed full of salsa content. Modern and unique choreography. Stunning.

Then we had Art Piece Number 3, aka Mark Ballas and Willow Shields.

Mark Ballas and Willow Shields. Courtesy of ABC.
I honestly think that a partner could just walk through whatever Mark Ballas tells them to do, and get to within an inch of the finals. This was a stunning paso, with stark comparisons of fire and ice. Just beautiful, and thought-provoking, and stunning to watch. Willow Shields is very lucky indeed.

Noah and Sharna continue to surprise. Their package talked all about how they practiced with a prosthetic arm, which they finally opted not to use.

Noah and Sharna do an Argentine tango. Courtesy of ABC.
Despite this, they did some pretty spectacular lifts. I thought their Argentine tango was just spectacular.

Lastly, we get full-circle to Derek and Nastia. I was on a tear at the beginning of this post about people who choose to do other things rather than devoting themselves full-time to the season. However, we all know that Derek could just about sleepwalk through the season and still end up in the finals. He has "10 shows a week," on Broadway. She has classes at NYU. They fly back and forth every week to tape the show. Sorry, but I am kinda rooting for them to lose (given all I said in the beginning). But being Derek, I do think he's going to get pretty far along anyway.


1. Allison and Riker (salsa)

2. Valentin and Rumer (disco salsa)

3. Sharna and Noah (Argentine tango)

4. Mark and Willow (paso doble)

5. Derek and Nastia (samba)


1. Patti and Artem

2. Suzanne and Tony

3. Michael and Peta

4. Chris and Witney


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