DWTS Season 21: It's Going to Be a Crazy Season

Nothing like blocking off large segments of Hollywood Blvd. for the community to love you.

Hey, everybody! Dancing with the Stars is back for Season 21! I don't know about you, but even though the wacky double Bachelorette and the steamy Bachelor in Paradise were fun, I could not wait for DWTS to return.

And BOY, did they have a splashy first show. Look at this! (above) Through deft uses of social media (telling everyone on Facebook to come down and be a part of this), they got tons of people out to dance. Fun stuff! (Thank you, Mandy Moore, for your always inventive opening numbers.)

Andy Grammar and Allison Holker.

Let me say this about that, though. This was billed as "a 2-night spectacular" premiere. The second night was simply a rehash of the first night, in case you missed it. AKA: a total waste of time. Sure, they threw in some additional backstage segments, and who doesn't love Tom Bergeron doing anything, but still... total waste of time.

So, let's just focus on the first night (the real show). And it was CRAZY. I mean that on many levels. Crazy because of wacky, crowd-filled opening numbers like the above. But also crazy cause: Gary Busey. :-0 But we'll get to that.

What do you want first, the fantastic? or the sucky? Hm...

Well, unlike other first shows (the last two seasons come to mind in particular), where there was a clear winner from the first episode, this week's show was not like that. There were, in fact, a number of competitors who stepped up in Week 1 to give us some amazing dances.

There were also several really cringe-worthy competitors whom I really want to go away. And really not much middle ground. Some who came to play, and others who must leave.

Kim and Tony

If you use the "Degree to which they use stagecraft, to disguise the fact that they suck" rule, lowest scorer Kim Somebody from one of those Housewives shows* is gonna go home first. Sad, because she has the nicest boobs.  (Props to the amazing set designers for this Egyptian phantasm, though.) Also, Tony is great, and I really wish he'd stick around more.

*Don't give me crap about not looking up their names. They aren't going to be around long, and I don't care.

Following in the "I'm so huge, I can't move" mode of Patti LaBelle from last season, this season we have Chaka Khan, paired with Keo, who really just can't catch a break, and will not get past Week 3 (IMHO).

It's a mixed blessing this season with the Pros (who are all I really care about). Some of our passionate favorites (Kym Johnson, Peta Murgatroyd, Tristan McManus) are gone (or still gone), but others (the wondrous Anna Trebunskya) are back! I still miss Cheryl Burke so much, and I did miss Karina Smirnoff, but this season (YAY!), she's back!

Sadly, she's paired with jockey Victor someone* who won a bunch of horse races recently with American Phaeroh. They won't be long for this season.

So, is that all for our stunt casting? Oh no, there's MORE!

It's arguable which one of these I want to go home more, but a good case could be made for Paula Deen, who just doesn't seem able to SHUT UP.

She's paired with Louis Amstel, another of our beloved pros whom we are glad to see return. However, yes, I do think I really hate Paula Deen the most. Also, she's a racist. Has everyone forgotten that? Seriously, get her off this stage. (Sorry, Louie.)

And then... ugh... First, I must say that I really and truly love Anna Trebunskaya. I wish she'd be in every season. She is such a joy to watch, always. And she must really want to be back on the show, too, to have agreed to be paired with Gary Busey.

It cracks me up that ABC actually was trying to highlight his Academy Award nomination two centuries ago. Sorry, ABC, but right now, this man is a complete basket case who may need a mental institution. He's straight-up batshit crazy. And some of that is enjoyable the same way watching a train wreck is enjoyable (as in you can't turn your head away), but at some point, you really must close your eyes and move on.

So, I'm really torn. I love Anna so much that I'm almost willing to endure this wreck of humanity before us. Ugh.

PLEASE TAKE THESE PEOPLE OFF MY SCREEN NOW
1. Paula Deen
2. Chaka Khan
3. That jockey dude
4. Kim the Housewife
5. Gary Busey

Really, they could go away in any order, but I hope it resembles the above. Thankfully, we have a double elimination coming up (one on Monday, one on Tuesday), so I predict at least two of these people will be gone. WHEW!

So, let's get to the real competitors, shall we? The ones who'll stick around for more than a few weeks?

Ah, just seeing that picture puts the air back in the room. Ah! Bindi and Derek were my favorites from Week 1. Loved Steve Irwin, her dad, who died. Love Bindi. Wasn't sure how her dancing would be, but it turns out to be pretty amazing. Of course, she's dancing to "Crocodile Rock." And it was wondrous, a joy to behold.

But unlike the past two seasons, when the one competitor was so far above the others, Miss Bindi did have some competition (any one of which, depending how the season goes) could take the crown. For example, one of last season's finalists, Sharna Burgess, is paired with one of the Backstreet Boys (Nick Carter).

What's it like to dance with one of your crushes? Sharna lets us know, and it's a joy to watch.

Don't count out last season's winner, either. The wondrous and amazing Valentin Chmerkovskiy is this season paired with Taymor Braxton (whom I think is Toni Braxton's sister, but mostly they talked about her cohosting The Real).

Dunno. This one could go either way. She seems to have a whole lotta attitude, so at this moment I don't see them winning. (But I love Val, so who knows?)

Then, we have a husband-wife team, neither of which I really heard of before.

The husband is named Carlos, and he's paired with Witney. They were pretty awesome.

The wife is named Alexa... I guess she was one of the Spy Kids, but has grown up... anyway, she's paired with my always favorite, Mark Ballas. And I am right now getting down on my knees and thanking God because this season, for the first time in I think five seasons, he's paired with someone who: 1. isn't overly religious or conservative 2. doesn't have issues about costuming 3. isn't a teenager

So whatever happens, there won't be any costuming constraints. Thank the heavens!

Although I suppose it's a different set of constraints when you're trying to do a sexy number, and your husband is RIGHT THERE... but we'll see what happens. He's already asked if she can take home this first costume. (I see that as a good sign of what's to come.)

Dunno. This couple could be way fun, or they could be annoying as hell, but this week, I'm choosing to see it as FUN.

So, really, those are the top contenders (and the bottom feeders). The middle ground (the next three couples) all have the potential to rise up and become top contenders.

My favorites Allison (Holker, love her) and Andy Grammar.

Love watching Allison in anything she does. Her first partner was pretty full of himself. Her second partner (last season) was good, and matched her, but they never really could do a convincing romantic number. Andy looks capable of that, but is he capable of going all the way? Not sure yet.

Three Americans stop a terrorist on a train in France. I can just see the phone calls flying: Let's see if we can get one of them on Dancing! Sure enough, here he is: Alek Skarlotos.

But here's the shocker. He's actually GOOD. Never danced before, and yet, I seriously put these two in the running for the Mirror Ball. Never thought I'd be saying that.

Also, I'm calling it here now: this guy is going to be one of the next Bachelors. He is so handsome and adorable and modest and wonderful.

Lastly, dancing with a 15-year-old Internet sensation, we have the amazing Emma Slater. These dances with teens are always dicey, but the first one went off well.

Don't know if they can win it, but I think they'll be fun to watch for a bit anyway.

Dancing with the Stars Season 21 WEEK ONE
1. Derek and Bindi (jive to Crocodile Rock)
2. Sharna and Nick
3. Val and Taymar (quickstep)
4. Witney and Carlos (jive)
5. Mark and Alexa (jive)
6. Allison and Andy (foxtrot)
7. Lindsey and Alek (foxtrot)
8. Emma and Hayes

Forget the rest, they are just window dressing.

These are the judges this season. Len may be back at a future time, but these three are it for now. I hope they all learn to behave. Also, congrats to Julianne and Derek, who just won an Emmy for choreography for the incredible Empty Heart dance they did last season.

So, for better or worse, this is the cast for Season 21. God help us.

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DWTS Season 20: Could This Be Val C's Season?

Val Chmerkovskiy and Rumer Willis during the Season 20 premiere of Dancing with the Stars. Courtesy of ABC.

Last season (Season 19) of Dancing with the Stars, during Week 1, there was a performance, the last performance, which wowed the crowd so much, I remember thinking: "Wow! How can anyone beat them?" That couple was Alfonso and Witney, who ended up triumphing with the Mirror Ball at the end of the season.

There was such a performance again last night.

Mind you, for someone to have it so together to in Week 1 have a polished and lyrical foxtrot to present, it means they want to win. Valentin Chmerkovskiy (so close for so many seasons, yet never having won a Mirror Ball yet) and Rumer Willis just blew me away. For season after season now, his dances and his choreography have just been stunning, but it's always been something.

Last season, don't know if there was a sexual thing between the two partners, but whatever it was started out like a hot comet and fizzled into an emotional mess, which to me, detracted from the dancing. Rumer Willis, while she may have emotional issues of her own, seemed like the type of competitor who'd keep Winning the Mirror Ball foremost in her mind.

Alfonso beat Val & Co. last season in large part because he always kept focused on winning. And especially on stepping up in the clinch when it was important. Delivering impactful dances when the judges were looking for them.

Personally, I thought Val was closest to winning when he danced with Zendaya. But maybe (as no less than two judges said last night) THIS is his season. We shall wait and see, but boy, did he and Rumer Willis wow us last night, vaulting to the top of the Leaderboard easily.

Another surprise (to me) from last night (the previous strong team until Val and Rumer stepped up) was the dancing of Allison Holker and Riker. Holker has had a bit of a bumpy time of it so far, not really fitting in easily to the show as it stands. This first dance this season was her saying, "Hey, I got this!" And wow, does she!

Rocking out of the Season 20 gate, with her partner Riker (who is second cousins with Derek and Julianne Hough), Allison showed she's a real contender this time around.

She had come from a different show (So You Think You Can Dance) with an attitude (to me, anyway) like her stunning choreography and name in the dance world was gonna cause her to ace this DWTS thing. Well, no. I think she was genuinely shocked at how hard it really was. How much the judges' criticism can sting, and how hard it is to get out of the hole once you get there.

But the upside of that (and why she was hired, frankly) is that DWTS wants (and NEEDS) what's she's got. It's been stuck very firmly with the old folks who like ballroom dance (where they started 10 years ago). It wants a piece of the younger action that Allison can bring.

So, I hope they all work it out. Judging by this first dance, signs are promising. Maybe this time she has a partner she can work with?

Those two couples (at the top of the Leaderboard) were the ones who wowed me during Week 1. Let's look at some of the other strong contenders.

Derek Hough and Nastia dance in black and white! How'd they do that?

You can't have a discussion about top contenders without immediately adding five-time Mirror Ball winner and judges' favorite Derek Hough. This season, his partner is an Olympic gymnast. We know how well that's gone before. And their dance started out in what seemed like black and white. It was stunning. So yeah, add him to the frontrunners' pack.

It is going to be interesting since both competitors are based (this season) in New York City, and are going to be flying back and forth all season long.  We shall see how that wears on them.

Another competitor who hasn't won in awhile, Peta Murgatroyd, last won with an NFL football player. Guess who her partner is this season?

I have always loved her dancing. So yes, please, let's put her in the mix of those to watch, too.

For me, it was a "so close but no cigar" moment for Mark Ballas last season. He also hasn't won in awhile, and I'd like to see him win again. Interestingly, this season he is paired with DWTS' youngest competitor ever (14 years old), best known as Katniss Everdean's little sister, Willow Shields will be one to watch.

And, oh yes, we can't forget The Bachelor. Chris Soules, aka Chris Farming, just finished a successful season where he became engaged with Whitney. YAY. So, it's a natural for a good Bachelor (not Juan Pablo, yuck phewy) to roll over into the next ABC property, DWTS. Funnily enough, he got paired with last season's winner, coincidentally also named Witney. And I'd give them a good run to midseason.

And with that, with that discussion of Chris The Bachelor, we get into some of the more joke contestants, who may or may not stand the grueling test of a long DWTS season.

So here are a couple more maybes who turned in surprisingly good performances in Week 1.

Robert and Kym. What the heck was that?

Robert, already another ABC property (of their successful Shark Tank show), and Kym Johnson (who's been away too long) had a very fun dance. Lots of flirty sexy stuff going on. Surprisingly good dancing. I don't wanna see their dancing particularly, I just wanna see more of their flirting going on. That was fun.

I mean, really! Come on!

The other one, who brought the audience to tears... and I myself am fighting so hard to not be snarky about this right now... was the team of Sharna and Noah. Sharna is, for my money, the sexiest of all the female competitors. She is paired this season with... well, here...

Not to demean the man, but I really hate when they do this gimmicky thing. And they've done it already. That's all I'm gonna say about that. That being said, it was a really beautiful dance.

So this will be very interesting to watch. (Oh, and he's also an Iraq war vet, so get your tearducts ready.)

Moving on...

We are left with the joke candidates who will be gone soon, in some manner or other.

Let's see. There's the large-breasted woman best known for eating a hamburger in a commercial while being ogled by men...

Keo's right. I don't think she's going to be booted FIRST, but she's on her way to being booted. I don't care what he does.

We have the luminous and wonderful Miss Patti LaBelle, an amazing singer who really shouldn't be dancing. Although it was fun to see her command the stage dancing to Lady Marmalade.

We have former judge (who didn't really understand dancing) now taking to the dance floor himself, Red Foo, paired with someone whom I hope wins sometime, the wondrous Emma Slater.

They may last awhile, but this is not her season.

Lastly, the WORST competitor out of the gate, the one I expect to go home on the first elimination: Suzanne Somers. I feel bad for Tony Dovolani. I love seeing him dance, but the partners he's been paired with lately? Yikes.

"Physical"? Really? *cringe* Dreadful. Horrible. Please make them go away.

In other news, the opening montage which paid honor to their ten years of dancing was quite wonderful. We had some mic problems, some women tripping over costumes and overall horrific women's hair, but the seasons always have some stumbles at the beginning.

Judge Len, thankfully, is back, although there had been rumors that he wouldn't be. Tom and Erin are still there. The music sounded wonderful, some songs being better than others.

It should be noted, too, that while Cheryl Burke made mention that her contract was up last season and she'd be moving on to do other things, no one made such mention of another favorite, Karina Smirnoff, who is noticeably absent from this season. I do wonder what exactly happened there. I did notice her (last season) being placed in back in a lot of the group dances, and I wonder whom she's pissed off exactly?

I, for one, do miss her dancing and her personality. But maybe she's in that now large group of former DWTS dancers who are pulled upon (Anna Trebunskaya, for example; I still live in hope that she'll be back on the dance floor sometime. It was nice to see her doing the backstage show, she's very good at that).

So, Week 1 of DWTS Season 20 kicked off with some very memorable moments. Look for these two to be booted first.

MICHE'S PICKS, DWTS Season 20, Week 1
1. Val and Rumer (foxtrot)
2. Allison and Riker (jive)
3. Peta and Michael (cha cha)
4. Derek and Nastia (foxtrot)
5. Witney and Chris (jive)
6. Mark and Willow (cha cha)

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DWTS Week 2: It's Not YOU, It's the Character

Sharna Burgess and Charlie White. Courtesy of ABC/Adam Taylor.

It’s been an interesting season of Dancing With the Stars so far. It’s only Week 2 of Season 18, and already we have learned so much.

The thing that I love about #DWTS (well, so many things)... is that you really do learn a lot about this art form called dance, if you really truly listen.

This dance above, for example. Sharna Burgess and Charlie White’s tango, in which all-around great guy Charlie White had to enlist Maksim Chmerkovskiy so he could truly put forth a character which is two-timing and with a roving eye. (I might add that Charlie did not achieve said aim to these eyes, but his dancing was decent along the way.)

And that is something at an advanced level of dancing, I might add. Actors, for example, in their beginning days, may think they just have to stand up and say a bunch of lines. As their learning progresses, they learn that to be a good actor, they have to actually convincingly portray someone else (someone who is NOT them). And if they are a truly sublime actor, they truly become that person before your eyes. Convince you with every fiber of their being that they ARE that person, and that the words they are saying are TRUE, that is, from their very soul. That’s tough stuff. Most actors, frankly, do not attain such heights, only a handful really make that transformation.

But we learned, if we did not know it already, in this Week 2 episode of #DWTS, that great dancing involves creating a character, WHO IS NOT YOU, to inform the dance. For example, tangos. The greatest tangos, as we have seen, involve lots of passion and drama. Those participants may or may not have such passion between them, but they have to CONVINCE us they do. They have to convey the love story, and the dance is the vehicle with which to do that.

Also, anything that gets in the way of the essential heart of the drama being played out is going to detract from the dance.

I bring all this Dance Education 101 up because of what else happened in Week 2, which we saw hints of on Week 1. Namely, this.

The oh-so-patient Mark Ballas and Candace.

Now, Miss Candace has already warned us (last week) that she’s “a mom,” who won’t be partaking in any of those skimpy costumes this show struts around. I’m sure there are those in the audience cheering this decision. (Mind you, those are also the folks who had a problem with Janet Jackson’s nipple.) AND, as if that weren’t bad enough, this week, we get to see her NIX the idea of Mark taking his shirt off.

Mark and Candace were set to dance A RUMBA, arguably the sexiest dance this show offers, and she is making them dress in sackcloth. :-0

Here’s the thing, Candace Cameron-Bure, and take this advice very seriously. IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. When you are dancing, you are a CHARACTER. And it’s not that DWTS just likes to have everyone running around in skimpy outfits. Think for a moment. You have a limited amount of time (what is it, three minutes?) to convey something to an audience. You use every device at your disposal (BRAVO to the stage crafters, lighting designers, producers and others who make magic every week on DWTS). But one of those devices is also COSTUMES.

How does one convey that this romance between two people is the hottest you’ve ever seen? In three minutes? Sorry, but it helps if you have two partially unclothed people, because it conveys some kind of sexual activity between them. It’s a shorthand that everyone in the audience understands.

I don’t give a crap that you are a Mom, and you feed your kids peanut butter and jelly on lunches. In that moment, when I am a viewer watching your dance, all I want to see is the emotion, and the sexuality, that you are supposed to be portraying. That’s it. And if you don’t give us that: THE DANCE LOSES.

Poor Mark Ballas. He had to suffer through this kind of nonsense with Bristol Palin. His interview in Week 2 noted about Candace, “you are even worse than Bristol Palin.” SIGH. I really feel for him in this.

So, in their dance, he did what he could, emoting up a storm to convey that these two people are desperately passionate in their Week 2 RUMBA, but what could you do?

The professional Mark Ballas and the prude Candace Cameron Bure.

Sorry, but this is just not selling “sexy” to me, though I can really see Mark Ballas trying hard. But they look like nuns. Horrible stuff. Eh.

Later, when the judges scored her negatively for doing an unsexy rumba, she had the balls to say, “I want to reserve certain things for my husband.” Jeez, woman, get off the stage. We are not asking you to have sex with Mark Ballas in front of us. This is a CHARACTER and it’s in service of the DANCE. If you don’t get that, well, frankly, you shouldn’t have signed up for this show.

Let me show you a contrast.

James and Peta do a salsa (also a very sexy dance). In his interview, he jokes about doing it fully nude. Now THAT would be a very sexy salsa. All 10s! Ahem... anyway... their dance was STEAMY. They were my second favorite of the week. Look.

Peta Murgatroyd and James Maslow do a samba. Courtesy of ABC/Adam Taylor.

Steamy, right? Sexy just dripping from this picture. Now there is also nothing in this photo that one would have to “save for their husband.” The dancer, Peta, is conveying mostly by her costume, that the salsa is one sexy dance. That’s the deal here, Constance.

And guess what? James and Peta were the second-highest scorers of the night.

Also, if you think of dance in a kind of feng-shui way, you don’t want to throw up anything which is going to block the emotion and the sexuality you are trying to convey. Taking a stance of “I’m not going to do that, and I’m not going to let you as my partner do that either,” just ruins it. There’s no other way to say it.

I am simply crying for Mark Ballas right now.

But OK, to the rest of the show, and those who DO get it.

Those voted out this week (two couples) were Diana Nyad and whoever it was she was dancing with, and Karina and her lunkhead hockey player. Hopefully we will see Karina back during that Switch Up thing at least. But honestly, I’m really glad to see both of those couples go. Will be glad to see Billy Dee Williams leave very soon too. And, as much as I love Mark and his dancing, I really hate what Constance is doing, so Goodbye to them soon too... (hopefully).

Oh, but let’s talk about what we enjoyed this week, shall we?

We had this:

NeNe Leakes and Tony Dovolani do a jive.

And this:

Cheryl Burke and Drew Carey’s jive.

Speaking of hotness, and not afraid to show it, we had this:

Danica McKellar and Val Chmerkovskiy do a hot samba.

A continuously amazing pair: Derek Hough and Amy Purdy, who did an incredible swing dance this week.

Derek Hough’s amazing swing choreography with Amy Purdy.

Derek, as always, had amazing choreography. But look at this swing move (above). He swung her whole body around, in time to the music. Incredible.

With the ice dancing couples, let’s start with Charlie and Sharna. As mentioned a bit above, one of Charlie White’s greatest challenges in this show is not the choreography, but to unlearn the concept of constant smiling (which you have to do in figure skating). Also, the tango, which he attempted this week, is about anger and volatile passion, whereas Mr. White seem like a total pussycat.

So, the steps were there, but the bubbling passion underneath (to me) was not. I hope they get a chance to do another (maybe Argentine tango) later in the season, when he’s worked on this concept a bit more.

Also, they danced to a song which said, “I’m Addicted to You,” and Charlie’s stage direction was to be looking out at other women in the audience. Clearly, if one is addicted to someone, that person is all they can think about, so the song (as far as character motivation) didn’t work at all for me.

Sharna Burgess and Charlie White do a tango.

However, bravo to the costumers who are doing more with sheer fabrics so that you can see the feet of the female dancers. This one, on Sharna, was just stunning and mesmerizing. (And while we’re talking costuming, can I just say how much I love that they are wearing sneakers much more, both women and men?)

But my favorite dance of the night was the other ice dancing couple, Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Meryl Davis. Maks called it, “the most lift-y routine I’ve ever done.” He says he’s “way too old for this,” but I thought he looked just great out there.

Meryl Davis and Maksim Chmerkovskiy swinging.

And the interplay between Maks and Erin was once again golden. Love it!

All in all, some really great dances already at Week 2. I don’t know about you, but I’m still thanking the lucky stars that Maksim is back.

Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Meryl Davis do a swing. Courtesy of ABC.

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Sexy, Sultry Dancing with the Stars Is BACK! and so’s MAKS! YAY!

The stunning opening number to Season 18, choreographed by Mandy Moore. Courtesy of ABC.

I had the misfortune of perusing comment boards prior to the start of Season 18 of Dancing with the Stars. The vitriol went along these lines: “I’m not going to watch because...” “those costumes! So skimpy!” “Why’d they get rid of Brooke Burke?” “Where’s the bandleader and orchestra?” “I’m not going to watch anymore...” Blah blah blah, like that.

Well, ladies and gents, ABC had its answer for ya. And it was this. (See above.) In your face, right out of the gate, we had the first ever guest artist singing in an opening number, with Jason Derulo, belting out, “Talk Dirty to Me,” as the sexy cast of pros strutted and sauntered sexily (women and men). The music, btw, SOUNDED GREAT!

Here’s what it was (the whole show) most of all: ALIVE. The music throbbed and pulsed and seemed up to date, the cast interacted with the hosts in a natural way (Congrats, Erin Andrews, great job! I love ya!), there was just less BS overall.

In fact, I would even say that it was really more distilled essence of Dancing with the Stars than it’s ever been. No frou-frou crap to fill time. The heinous “Glitter Pit” from last season is blissfully gone (replaced by the upstairs waiting area in a different place, with wider stairs as access). The judges are back on the side they belong on, all is seemingly right with the #DWTS world.

Oh, and most of all, THIS.

Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Meryl, the gold medalling ice dancer.

Let me just say this about that. I was one of the many who, when Maks had his egotistical dustup with the judges, was wishing him banished. But this is me, now, like a scorned lover coming back with her tail beween her legs, kissing the floor in front of Maksim, joyously proclaiming his return.

Sure, sure, we’ve made do with the Chmerkovskiy magic with Valentin’s amazingness (which, thankfully, we still have), but it is Maks (like he said) who really makes the show. There is just something he gives this show, a gravitas, a deep-rooted sexuality, something, without which it threatens to fly away with its bubbliness and pandering to sponsors. I almost cried to see him dancing again with his partner Meryl.

For me, it boils down to this: This is DWTS. Derek. Mark Ballas. Maksim Chmerkovskiy. Karina Smirnoff. Cheryl Burke. Len, Bruno, Carrie Anne. Tom Bergeron. That’s it. Others can come and go, but those elements MUST be there for it to be the show it’s capable of being.

Others, like Valentin and Peta Murgatroyd and Tony Dovolani, buff it up and make it better, but those others are its core. Maybe the powers that be at ABC finally realized it, too.

Also, let me say that (although I suppose we’ll never know the reals on this sitch), the dance floor is littered with those rumored to be Maks’ conquests (Karina, Peta, etc.), the most fun to me, while ABC was busy playing up the romance of Peta and her dance partner (she is always rumored to be romantically involved with her dance partners; I actually think it makes her dance better), the real hot sparks (to my eyes) were between (also romantically rumored) former dance partners Erin Andrews and Maksim C.

The hottest (sexiest) dance I’ve ever seen on this show was between Maks and Erin, that dance in that bed they did. WHEW! I get hot just thinking about that dance.

Nothing was said in any of the packages about that hotness, but to me it was palpable in their banter.

I don’t know about anyone else, but dance is primal. It’s all about the sex. All Maksim has to do is walk into a room, and a person’s thinking about sex already. So, as we start fanning ourselves here, let’s just say that with the dancers and Maksim back and the new show orientation: they’ve indeed brought SEXY back.

It’s dripping with sex, and hot costumes, and hot bodies and appreciation of the DANCE of it all. APPLAUSE.

OK, now let’s get to the nitty gritty of this premiere episode: the dances.

Twelve competitors. Let’s start with the easy ones. The ones I cover my eyes when they appear, and really wish they would be gone immediately are: Billy Dee Williams and Diana Nyad. Heavens! Case in point. Did you know he is going to be in the upcoming Star Wars movie? No? Let us remind you. *sigh*

Oh dear God. There have been some clunky competitors: Valerie Harper from last season comes to mind. But old, and I do mean OLD, Billy Dee Williams takes the cake. He looks like he is waiting for his walker, which is just offstage. If there was a shuffling off to Buffalo award, he’d win it. No, wait, that gives a bad name to shuffling. Ah, let’s not bash the poor guy, after all, in a galaxy far far away he was once Lando Kalrissian. (Emphasis on FAR AWAY.)

Let’s just hope that he gets voted off first next week! (I really do feel bad for Emma, who had such a great season last year with someone that no one, me included, thought could dance at the beginning.) As the 5s from the judges started rolling in this week, she looked crestfallen. Dude, Billy Dee was TERRIBLE. Possibly worst contender on DWTS ever. (I’m truly hard-pressed to come up with a worse one.) Seriously, MY EYES!

Diana Nyad wasn’t much better. Dreadful. Hope she’s the next to go. And it’s truly not that I’m ageist, it’s just that straight-up, these folks can’t dance. Not an iota. Hell, Billy looks like he can barely walk. No joke.

So let’s focus on the dancers who have a hope in hell of lasting past a couple of episodes, shall we?

Since I seem to be going from least-liked to best-liked, there is also Karina’s partner, a former hockey player who seems to have difficulty even smiling. Talk about an oaf! Sheesh. Now, I think Karina Smirnoff is the best female dancer on this show, and one of the world’s best dancers (as Maksim said last season), but man, I sure hope these two are voted off quickly.

Karina Smirnoff, looking like a world-class dancer. Sean Avery, looking like a longshoreman.

James and Peta seem to have a romance brewing. Drew Carey is the “only partner I didn’t have to Google,” said Cheryl Burke like five times to different press outlets. *eyeroll*

For the youngsters, there’s some 18 year old who’s apparently big in Australia. He’s dancing with a new pro, Whitney. They were fun.

Those are my bottom tier this seaon. Any of those could go, and I’d be quite happy.

Let’s just pause, take a deep breath, and then ponder those who are actually going to be winning the Mirror Ball this season.

Amy Purdy and Derek Hough. Courtesy of ABC/Adam Taylor.

Derek Hough, always pushing boundaries, and taking us into places that the rest of us can’t go, is this season dancing with a woman who has no legs. Amazing, incredible and brave.

Valentin Chmerkovskiy, always one to watch, is this season dancing with a woman who, if she doesn’t tone down the smile wattage a few notches is going to put the audience into a sugar coma.

Danica and Val.

Tony Dovolani, previous Mirror Ball winner, has his work cut out for him (similar to winner Amber Riley last season) with NeNe Leakes. She is a whole lotta woman, and I don’t mean size, I mean attitude and presence. She dominates that dance floor (as Amber did last season, with Derek).

Tony Dovolani and NeNe Leakes.

I’m not sure what this whole “Change partners and DANCE” thing is that they hint about for midseason, but I sure hope it ends up with Maks and NeNe dancing together. THAT I wanna see.

Let’s get to the three teams that I hope are some combination of final three.

MARK BALLAS and CANDACE CAMERON BURE

I always like Mark Ballas as a finalist going in. He’s one of the main reasons I watch DWTS season after season. I feel sorry that he keeps being saddled with partners who wear their conservatism like a badge. I liked Ms. Candace just fine until she says in her package: “I'm not going to wear those skimpy costumes! I’m a mom!” *huff, puff* Good grief.

On this show, baby, you’re a DANCER, so suck it up. Just look at this.

Candace Cameron Bure and Mark Ballas do contemporary.

Now, if you weren’t so intent upon being “a mom,” and chaste and whatever, you might not end up with folds of clothing which splat into your partner’s face like this. Why don’t you just SHUT UP and let the costumers (who are fantastic) do their job? Do you think it endears you to us to say such things? No. It makes me want to vote for you less. You signed up for this gig: DEAL WITH IT.

You are blessed with a partner whose amazing dance talent is going to take you MUCH further in this competition than you really deserve to go, so enjoy it, and be gracious to the team that got you there. Wear whatever costumes they give you.

Remember when poor Mark was saddled with Bristol Palin? *shudders* Or that other chick, who also wouldn’t wear skimpy clothes because of her religion? She had clothes up to her neck, and the judges kept saying she was unable to “find her sexuality.” Well, duh. (Dance, remember, at its purest, is about SEX! As the producers so clearly know.)

So far, Ms. Bure seems to be a better dancer than either of those two, so I hope she can learn to curb her errant comments a bit and be gracious about what the wonderful Mr. Ballas has to teach her. Ugh.

MAKSIM CHMERKOVSKIY and MERYL DAVIS

I don’t know about you, but I was still on an Olympics high when this season of DWTS began. And Meryl and Charlie contributed greatly to that. So it’s just so wonderful to see Meryl dancing! And add to that the supreme visceral, all-is-now-right-with-the-world joy of seeing Maksim on the dance floor again.

In the packages, people are all meeting their partners for the first time, seeing what they can do. Maks asks Meryl to spin into his hand, “Can you do that?” he says innocently. She flawlessly spins on point about six times. Maks smiles slyly, “Yeah, I can work with that.” It was great.

Meryl Davis and Maksim Chmerkovskiy.

Maks, I take back every single bad word I ever said about you. Be a bad boy, be an egotistical bastard. I don’t care. Just don’t ever go away again. DWTS needs you. Truly. And I am so glad you are back!

SHAUNA BURGESS and CHARLIE WHITE

The other half of the Olympic ice dancing team that just won America’s first gold medal is Charlie White. They did a cute thing when Meryl started her dance, with both of them waving and Maks pulls her away to dance. It was really nice.

Hopefully this season they will both learn the art of doing a character, and quit smiling so much. To that end, we had this.

Charlie White and Sharna Burgess do contemporary. Courtesy of ABC/Adam Taylor.

My favorite dance of the first night of Season 18. Charlie and Shauna. Awesome stuff. These top three teams are my favorites to watch.

And with any luck, America will have done the right thing and voted out the worst dancer. So we don’t have any more of this nonsense...

Meryl and Maks with two “audience members.”

Ugh.

Erin Andrews, btw, was just what the show needed. I am so very glad she’s there, and so very glad that the wondrous Tom Bergeron is still there, too. (And that he got his pinch from Maks.) The world smiles.

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