DWTS Week Six: No One Goes Home

Here are some good things about Season 17 so far. The opening numbers, usually stunning pieces, with both pros and troupe members dancing, are just incredible. This week’s was from Lacey Schwimmer and her brother. Mesmerizing, and a great use of these fabulous dancers.

Pros and the troupe dance the opening number. Choreographed by Lacey Schwimmer and her brother this week.

Just stunning stuff. Don’t miss the opening of the show anymore. (Early on, they had the “celebs” trying to keep up.) So glad they’ve disposed of all that nonsense. Celebs just stand there and wave as they are introduced, while the dancers get a vigorous workout.

Also, during the show, there are dance segues in between ads and the show. Wonderful bits of dance magic, and no labored “here is the troupe” introductions attached to them. Just dancing. Great stuff.

The fact that the show is only one day now means lots of belabored hooha gets disposed of. The singers (blissfully) are kept to a bare minimum (I think they should be dispensed of entirely). The other labored dances seem to have gone away. It’s just this magical stuff at the beginning, and the dancers who are competing.

Well, most weeks. This week, we also had some craziness where four couples danced (and competed against each other). Their scores would be added to their total. Blah blah. Hated all that nonsense.

We also had the, “Oh, let’s pretend to be sending someone home, but really we won’t cause there was a computer glitch," cruelty, that actually caused Emma (the last person standing) to cry. Can we please avoid such brutality in the future? Oh my, was it mean.

But let's just skip all that and get to the actual dancing, shall we?

Now, I probably shouldn’t admit this to the reading public, but every week (since I’ve been watching DWTS), I have kept a log, separated out into four quadrants, I rate the dances. The top is FABULOUS! Second is Great. Third is OK. Last is Sucked. Many teams fall into the “Sucked” category every week (sad to say). Or many get into “OK.” Few land in the “Fabulous” category. This week, no joke, I had no one in either “OK” or “Sucked.” For the first time ever. The dances were all that good.

Look at this, for example.

Corbin and Karina. Courtesy of ABC/Adam Taylor.

The dance above was to the theme song of Game of Thrones. I get the feeling that Corbin has watched every episode. Let’s just say he’s WAY into it. Karina said she had never watched an episode.

The judges (especially Len) were less than wowed. Personally, I think it’s their best dance all season.

Karina, in their package says, “Is what I’m wearing too revealing?” She has so obviously never seen Game of Thrones. And that’s all I’ll say about that.

Nice costume, Karina. No, really.

While I am still reeling (seriously) from Mark Ballas and partner no longer being part of the competition, I really like all of the remaining dancers. Cheryl (“oh so beautiful”) Burke and Jack Osbourne are even fun. They accused him of not being able to get into character. So we had this.

Cheryl Burke and Jack Osbourne.

I even really enjoy Bill Engvall. He and Emma Slater are really fun to watch. She comes out and says that this week they are dancing to “Beef Burger in Paradise” by Jimmy BuffAY. He rolls his eyes (in a nice way) and says, “No, that's ‘Cheeseburger in Paradise’ by Jimmy BuffET.” It was cute.

“That’s Jimmy Buffet, Emma.”

Seen a lot of dances in these 17 seasons. Sure have never seen anyone fighting over a cheeseburger. And so, you’ve gotta love it. I know I do.

Brant and Peta tango. Courtesy of ABC/Adam Taylor.

Brant and Peta, our resident Will-They or Won’t They? couple of this season served up a steamy tango.

But I wanna talk for a bit about my favorite two couples (that are remaining).

Derek Hough and Amber Riley samba. Courtesy of ABC/Adam Taylor.

My friends, you haven’t lived until you’ve seen Derek Hough samba with Amber Riley. Complete with more than one samba roll! It was unbelievable. Derek through in all sorts of great samba moves, and Len shot him down by calling said moves “repetitive.”

Whatever, it was a great dance. Truly wonderful to watch. Seriously. Samba rolls. Wow.

But my favorite couple, still, is Val and Elizabeth. Let me say this about that.

I was one of those audience members who just rolled my eyes upon hearing that Elizabeth “Showgirls” Berkley was doing this show this season. I hereby take every bit of that back.

She came on this show, at least partly, to redeem her battered image. And while DWTS has the hokey “My Most Awesome Year” contrived segment (which this year fell mostly flat), Ms. Berkley has been doing her own waltz down memory lane for us. It’s almost like she’s dancing with a ghost, or chasing ghosts out of her past.

We had the “Saved By the Bell” flashback, complete with Mario Lopez in the audience last week. This week, although she didn’t dance on any poles, it was pretty much in-your-face to “Showgirls.”

Valentin Chmerkovskiy and Elizabeth Berkley. Courtesy of ABC/Alan Taylor.

She is subtly, but effectively, saying: “Here’s what you thought I was. But here’s what I am.” Week after glorious week, she’s showing us that she’s a dancer to be reckoned with.

Hollywood loves a sob story, but even more than that, it loves someone who bounces back. Who won’t take no for an answer. I really really hope she wins this thing.

Her fierceness and her drive are inescapable. Mixed with Val’s brilliant choreography, it’s a very heady combination. And Val winning a mirror ball trophy is long overdue.

Val and Elizabeth.

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DWTS Week Five: The Ballroom Gets Hit with a Shocker

NOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooo. I'm still gobsmacked.

Christina Milian and Mark Ballas dance their way to the first 10 of Season 17.

Mark Ballas is one of my favorite choreographers (and dancers) of Dancing with the Stars. He is one of the ones I always expect to last to the end, because he's so amazingly talented. I root for him no matter who his partner is. (I even rooted for him when he was with the obnoxious Palin daughter. *shudders*)

I was absolutely stunned when the news was read. I still am kind of in shock.

SNOOKI is stil there and Mark Ballas is going home? WTF?

However, this result proves, to anyone who had any doubt, that the public are indeed a part of this process. If you are competing on this show, you've gotta have some story that the public can latch onto. Even Bristol Palin lasted longer than this because although she had her detractors, there were also those who would defend her, and vote for her.

For myself, Christina Milian does nothing for me. I didn't know her really before this show, and she didn't strike me in any way while on this show. The ONLY reason I threw lots of votes in their team's direction each week was because I really love Mark Ballas' dancing.

But, I suppose, the fact that they had been in the Bottom Two previously should have been some kind of warning of her lack of popularity. I think the only reason Valerie Harper (whom people REALLY loved, and who has cancer) was voted out first was because she 100% could not dance.

Everyone else who's left has a story, has some popularity, has something going on. I guess I neglect the fact that that is all part of the mix here.

But Christina Milian leaving in Week Five, when she has an amazing partner like Mark Ballas, and has been dancing really amazingly, proves just that people weren't interested in her. Still, it really shocked me. The ballroom was filled with loud boos when it was announced, so others were shocked and angry too.

Let me try to push past my anger here and get on with the rest of it. :-(

The week was "My Most Memorable Year," which could be good year or bad year. Note to future DWTS contestants: it should be something which moves the audience, and gets them to like you more. Amber Riley picking the "year I was booked on Glee" is only an eye-roller. Yes, we know you're a star, and that we love you on Glee. But do you have any FEELINGS? This is the week to show those.

Jack Osbourne and Cheryl Burke (who just keeps getting more beautiful).

And so, the winners of this week, the ones who actually followed directions, were Jack and Cheryl (Jack who picked the year he got married, had a baby and discovered he has MS); Bill and Emma (Bill was one of the few to pick anything outside the 2000s, with the year he met his wife, 1982); and two spectacular pieces, which I shall detail in a moment.

Bill Engvall and Emma are a joy to watch every week. Courtesy of ABC and Dancing with the Stars.

Let me just say this too. Now that we have the confusion of too many old Bills around dissipated, Bill Engvall (the one who's left) is a real Dancing With the Stars contestant. One you can root for and enjoy every week because they don't have a ton of dance training, but gosh darn it, they are trying! He is really wonderful and I enjoy him more and more every week. 

But we had two dances which spectacularly fit the purpose of this week. We had Elizabeth Berkley, whom many fans were introduced to by her appearance on “Saved By the Bell” many many years ago. (I didn't watch it, so this segment did nothing for me.) But she recreated her “famous” scene of taking too many diet pills or something. It was kinda funny. Must've been very poignant for her.

And then she and Val burst into an amazing jive, dancing, of course, to “I'm So Excited.” It was a woman whom we've known before in at least one other context (two, if you count Showgirls), and it was a reaffirming of exactly where she is now. It was joyous and amazing. Plus, Val Chmerkovskiy's choreography is stunning. Week after week after week, they are the couple I really want to watch most.

Elizabeth Berkley and Val Chmerkovskiy dance to “I'm So Excited.

Did I mention that he’s smiling now? Like REGULARLY! :-0  

I loved (and hated) Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Val’s older brother, whom we got to know first on this show. But I have to say that Val really suits the show better. He works hard with whomever he’s partnered with, and brings amazing choreography always (so did Maks). But he’s smiling and cheerful, not an angry lout. This one looks and acts like he’s part of the DWTS team. And I am so grateful for him, every single week since he’s been a regular pro.

But, to my mind, the one who clearly had a great story to tell in this week of My Most Amazing Year, and had wollops of emotion packed into the dance more than anyone else was Leah Remini. Of course, her story is finally breaking free from the Church of Scientology. She started the dance as a large puppet, being controlled by Tony Dovolani, her master. And the rest of the dance, as she experienced her freedom was really moving and emotional.

Leah Remini and Tony Dovolani.

I don't know what the hell Sasha and Snooki were doing, and I really hope she gets voted out soon. Corbin and Karina just bore me to tears, although she did look very pretty in her fairy princess outfit.

The fire seems to have gone from the Brant-Peta matchup. Not sure why.

One more couple I really am rooting for, even though you can just feel the ego filling the room (hers, not his)... is Derek Hough and Amber Riley. (My scores at right reflect my personal favorites overall.)

Amber Riley and Derek Hough. Courtesy of ABC (Adam Taylor). 

Some production notes: I am so glad that not one single woman has tripped over her dress this season. And we can actually see their feet! YAY.

Also, I'm still hating the cast sitting on the side of the judges thing, but I really like that they don't have to climb a long flight of stairs after dancing their little hearts out.

Most of all, I really love the dance intros and segues they have going. Often now, they are tying them in with songs that have played or are going to play with the contestants’ dances. Really nice. Also nice way to use the troupe regularly. This is a DANCE show, after all. Wish they'd get rid of these guest singer things completely.

But, this week it was all about this:

Len gives the first 10 of Season 17 to Mark Ballas and Christina Milian.

Followed by this:

Christina Milian and Mark Ballas, voted out.

Last week, in one of the packages, someone said, “It's not about the best dancers. The best dancers often go home.” This week, they proved that. Sorry to see you go, Mark. :-(

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DWTS Week Three: Kicking Out the Old and Infirm

First, know this about me. I'm not going to cover every week of #DancingWithTheStars. Sometimes I'm just not inspired to, sometimes I am. So I'm bypassing Week Two.

Week Three, however...

Tony Dovolani and Leah Remini. Courtesy of ABC. (Adam Taylor)

There are certain truisms about some reality TV shows. The most obnoxious ones will always get kicked off of the island of Survivor first. The old, infirm and just can't dance will almost always get voted off of Dancing With the Stars first. This time, it was all three.

We are just now getting used to the new, leaner, meaner voting procedure. (IOW, our votes from LAST week and the judges votes from THIS week add up to who goes home. Sure, ok.)

In this case, poor Bill Nye, the science guy, did some major damage to his leg... and btw, it kills me how every time they are sitting in a doctor's office and the doctor says something akin to "you're gonna be paralyzed for life if you dance," and then we see the fools dancing anyway...but I digress.

Bill Nye couldn't dance, so his leg was made immobile, he was made to look like a robot and they danced anyway. And got voted out. Boo hoo. Bye bye.

Soon to be booted (one hopes, anyway) is the train wreck that is Valerie Harper and Tristan MacManus. Mind you, he's wonderful and oh so easy on the eyes... still. She simply cannot dance. Not one iota. Please make her leave soon.

Now that all that nonsense has passed, let's get to some of the other dancers (sorry Emma, I'm sure you're wonderful; and Tristan, here's hoping you get better partners someday).

This season makes me wonder if the pros have some kind of deal where they get two loser, can't dance troublemakers as their partners, by the third they have to get a real dancer or something. Cause Karina Smirnoff just couldn't be happier to have her partner, Corbin. But let's kid no one, he's a dancer. So, as has been said in other columns online, it kinda seems not really fair. Plus, there is no challenge to their dances. (Well, other than Karina's first contemporary, but that was HER challenge, not theirs.)

Karina Smirnoff and Corbin.

So, ok, Karina doesn't have some lunkhead football player to deal with. Karina's happy, I'm happy. I'm still not rooting for her this season.

As far as the bottom feeders, I actually enjoyed and voted for both Bill Engvall's Lone Ranger...

Bill Engvall and Emma

and Snooki and Sasha's one-handed cartwheel while holding hands...

Cause, you know, no one's really ever done that before (that I can remember).

But, oh, let's get to the dancers we are actually looking forward to, shall we?

Like this, as a palette refresher...

Peta and Brant do the quick step.

Still my favorite couple each week, it's just wondrous to see what Derek Hough does with boobs, I gotta tell ya (I say this as a big-boobed girl, not as any kind of insult to Amber). I promise you, they worked a motorboat into this routine. What a joy.

Derek Hough and Amber Riley do the Charleston.

However, I do worry about celebrities who have other shows to work on, and have to fly around the country being able to give themselves fully to this show. I loved Derek and Amber coming out of the gate, but I fear that may've been her best dance.

The two couples to watch out for, at least judging from this week, are the luminous and stunning Val and Elizabeth, who foxtrotted deliciously in Week Three.

Val Chmerkovskiy and Elizabeth Berkley foxtrot. A joy to watch.

And my favorite couple from this week (though I still can't figure out why Mark Ballas was wearing clown makeup... maybe an inside joke or something?). Anyway, their Charleston was superb, and my favorite dance of the week.

Christina Milian and Mark Ballas do a mean Charleston.

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Miche's Emmy Wrap-Up

THE FANTASTIC!!!!

Breaking Bad FINALLY wins Best Drama Series

Anna Gunn finally wins an Emmy for her work on Breaking Bad

The stunning "Q&A" (Homeland) won for Best Writing for a Drama Series, even though its writer had died this year :-(

Derek Hough, one of the best choreographers in the universe, winning an Emmy for three mind-blowing amazing dances that he choreographed

The fact that they chose to show Best Choreography as part of the main ceremony

Bob Newhart finally wins an Emmy after 51 years in TV

THE GREAT

The fabulous Carrie Preston won for her work on The Good Wife

Claire Danes won again

A woman director wins for Direction of a Comedy

Jim Parsons and Bob Newhart on a stage together

The London Olympics won for Best Art Direction

Melissa Leo wins for a role in Louie that I hear is pretty scary

Breaking Bad's "Gliding Over All" wins for Best Editing

Game of Thrones wins for VFX

I WAS MOVED

Tony Hale, thanking his theatre roots

Edie Falco, talking about James Gandolfini

Rob Reiner, talking about Jean Stapleton

All the other people who died this year

I Didn't Watch, So I Have No Opinion

Veep and its winners

Nurse Jackie and its winners

All the Behind the Candelabra wins (11 out of 13)

Jeff Daniels beats out Bryan Cranston? and Damien Lewis? and Kevin Spacey? This, I gotta see. (Didn't pick it cause I'm behind on The Newsroom. Oops.)

The OK

Modern Family wins again

Someone other than the Modern Family nominees wins Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy

David Fincher wins for directing the first episode of House of Cards

Colbert Report switches with the always-winning Daily Show

Someone else beats always-winning The Amazing Race

THE BUMMERS

None of the amazing males from Breaking Bad won for their incredible work this year

The WHAT THE F WERE THEY THINKING?

Jokes about sister acts and ping pong balls? Um, really? :-0

EMMYS 2013: It's gonna be a Breaking Bad night

As always, the top contenders in the Emmy Best Drama race are the best of the best. A gentle reminder, those would be: Breaking Bad, Downton Abbey, Game of Thrones, Homeland, House of Cards and Mad Men.

The way I see it breaking down is like this. Game of Thrones, though spectacular and gasp-inducing is plainly "too violent." I have heard many Emmy voters state that they "won't even watch it" because of its violence. So I consider this to be the longest of longshots at this year's Emmys.

House of Cards, Netflix's first ever entry into this race, is a great show, but considering how gasp-inducing other shows are, I think its honor is the nomination.

Everyone is still trying to figure out what exactly is going on with Mad Men, and it was/is depressing, so I think it doesn't have a shot at this year's Emmy crown.

I want to focus on the two main contenders, last year's winner, Homeland, and almost invariably, next year's winner, Breaking Bad.

Homeland, for those unfamiliar, is almost like a slowed down 24. One episode of 24 stretched out to a season. The conceit of 24, other than that it all took place in one day, was that you never knew who you could trust. The conceit of Homeland is similar, using a question that plagues us every day today: who is really a terrorist, and how can you tell?

The stunning first season (Emmy-winning for Best Drama) started with Officer Brody being a terrorist. Then he wasn't. Then he was. Brilliant. And Carrie, the CIA operative who was tailing him was crazy. Then she wasn't. Then she was. Also brilliant.

But to me, the heart and guts of Homeland came in the middle of the season, the "cabin" episode (actually called "The Weekend"), falling smack in the middle of the season. It gave us the biggest of surprises, that 24 never did. There is LOVE here.

Love, which takes you by surprise, and sweeps you up. Appearing out of nowhere, these two crazy kids are actually in love. And it is the love in this show which makes it, after all else, very hopeful. Love can, after all, save us.

The heart-wrenching episode this season again came smack in the middle. It is also the episode which both actors (Claire Danes and Damien Lewis) submitted for their Emmy. It is nominated for Best Direction and Best Writing, and it was one of the six tapes submitted for Best Drama Series consideration. That tape: "Q&A" is brilliant. I do believe it's going to win Clare Danes another Emmy over a tough field of SIX other competitors. It COULD also win Damien Lewis his second Emmy, but I think not.

I loved this season of Homeland. I was sobbing in the final episode. It could very well win Best Drama Series again for the second year, and I'd be very happy.

But I think it's another show's time for the spotlight.

And in addition to having excellent tapes, AMC was smart about their choices for airing, Showtime is consistently not. Let's look at some facts. The last episode of Homeland (the one at which I was sobbing) aired in mid-December.

Now admittedly, the last episode of Breaking Bad which was in contention (the wondrous "Gliding Over All") aired in September. But what do we have going on when Emmy voters have ballots in their hot little hands? The final eight episodes of Breaking Bad start airing. Breaking Bad is all anyone can talk about. And in this tough fight for Best Drama Series, I believe it's what is going to push Breaking Bad to the top statue tonight.

I also predict that Breaking Bad is going to win Best Actor again for Bryan Cranston (edging out, just barely, the incredible performance by Damien Lewis), an historic THIRD trophy for the amazing work Aaron Paul is doing in Supporting Actor (edging out the equally amazing work by Mandy Patinkin), and I also believe Anna Gunn is going to score her first Emmy for her work on Breaking Bad.

With Direction and Writing categories, it'll be a hand-to-hand tussle between "Q&A" and its Breaking Bad competitors. In Direction, it's up against "Gliding Over All." In Writing, it's beating back both "Say My Name" and "Dead Freight." Writing also has "The Rains of Castamere" (the "Red Wedding" episode) of Game of Thrones. AND Downton Abbey's "Episode 4." A tough category. I still believe "Q&A" will beat them all. We shall see tonight.

In as much as last week was a Behind the Candelabra night (expect it to pick up some big trophies tonight too), I think tonight is really all about Breaking Bad. FINALLY.

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Live Tweeting tonight @ michebella  (and @ michebel if I get in Twitter jail). Join me.

Derek and Amber Blow The Walls Off Week One: DWTS Season 17

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. WOW!

That's all I could keep saying as I was watching, and after I watched, the luminous cha cha that emanated from our favorite Derek Hough and his Season 17 partner, Amber Riley (known for her role in "Glee"). Dancing With the Stars had indeed kicked off its new season.

Amber Riley and Derek Hough blew my mind with this dance. Hello Season 17! Courtesy of ABC.

Mind you, Derek Hough is always one of my favorite DWTS dancers. The precision and groundbreaking choreography he brings to his dances in any season is always a highlight of this show. Even so... Even picking them, sight unseen as one of my favorites going in... Even knowing (and loving) Amber's performances as a singer on "Glee" didn't prepare me for this onslaught of perfection blowing at us in Week One.

So, I'm sorry, I must skip all the formalities for now... I'll get to them, don't worry— and just talk about Amber and Derek. She is standing on the stairs like a bejeweled Mata Hari, all sparkly sequins. She walks down slowly. Derek is walking among the crowd, urging them to clap to the rhythm.

All of a sudden, both of them lock into an exquisitely choreographed set of steps. Let me emphasize AGAIN that this is WEEK ONE. The week that is usually lots of people tripping over each other, and just barely getting over their nerves. (Well, OK, we did have a bunch of that, too.)

And usually, the way this goes is that people practice and practice and practice and by the last few weeks, maybe, they are able to do the complicated syncopated steps that some of these dances require.

Here were these two, doing intricate complicated steps in WEEK ONE. Seriously, I am really blown away by this. And so too, were the judges, who gave them unanimous NINES, unheard of in Week One (from one judge, much less ALL THREE). Well deserved though.

Seek out the video of this dance.

Amber Riley and Derek Hough do a mean cha cha.

Another thing about Miss Amber Riley, she has some similarities with the person I really perceived to be last season's winner, that gawky teenager named Zendaya. Both of them have star quality for days which cannot be contained. She is indeed the one to watch this season, as she left everyone behind eating her dust.

I'm on such an adrenaline rush from even thinking about Amber and Derek's first dance that all the other contestants pale in comparison.

But let me try to talk about some of them. The one thing that a lot of others whom I really liked had in common is that many chose to do Contemporary dance in Week One (often considered one of the hardest styles they do). None of them were as take-your-breath-away as Val's first one a couple of seasons ago, but, for Week One, they were pretty awesome.

Such as this one.

Christina Milian and Mark Ballas do Contemporary in Week One.

Mark Ballas is another of my most favorite choreographers on this show. His choreography is heartfelt, often gut-wrenching, and pushing envelopes that others can only dream of. This Contemporary piece with Chistina Milian is one of those. Beautiful, lyrical, gut-wrenching, erotic, dreamy. Wonderful stuff. Can't wait to see more of them this season.

Pushing her own envelope to open Season 17 was Karina Smirnoff, who had never before done Contemporary. Her choreography (often underrated) was beautiful and groundbreaking in its own way.

Karina Smirnoff does her very first Contemporary dance. Amazing and beautiful.

A dancer that I have really come to love for his inventive choreography, and cannot wait for him to have his own first Mirror Ball trophy, is Valentin Chmerkovskiy (Maksim's younger brother). He is paired this season with Elizabeth ("Showgirls") Berkley, who is trying to live down her past by doing this show. She has an excellent partner with Val. They remind us again in this amazing Contemporary dance that she is, indeed, a dancer.

Valentin Chmerkovskiy and Elizabeth Berkley. Courtesy of ABC/Dancing with the Stars.

All of these people created magic in Week One. That wasn't supposed to happen. It was just supposed to be a creaky, let's get to know these people slow churn. Magical poetry is what we got. We are so very very lucky.

We also had our resident hotties who are hot for each other, Peta Murgatroyd and Brant someone.

Peta Murgatroyd and Brant someone. Courtesy of ABC.

And our just plain fun to watch couple: Cheryl Burke and Jack Osbourne.

Jack Osbourne and Cheryl Burke. Courtesy of ABC.

All the others, I pretty much am just waiting for them to be voted off, in any order. All of the ones above I really look forward to watching each week.

OK, now to the mechanics. New season, new set. Well, kinda. Remember how last season, after every exhausting dance, as the dancers are panting and out of breath, they'd have to run up a long flight of stairs to get to the waiting microphone of Brooke Burke-Charvet? Well, no more, my friends.

This season, they have a red velvet mosh pit right next to the judges to just saunter over and collapse in. Very good, I'd say, for the dancers. Not so good for the viewers. Personally, I really kinda hated it. Previously, it seemed like you could watch the dancers above who were interested in watching their competitors. Now, they are all kinda there, whether they like it or not.

Don't they have a backstage area they can just saunter over to? I hope they refine this idea throughout the season, cause it doesn't work right now.

They also, after seasons of having the judges stage right, have decided to have them stage left, maybe having something to do with the red velvet lounge area being there also. It's disconcerting, but not intolerable.

There is also this kind of morbid thing going on in the cast this season. Jack Osbourne has MS, and wanted to do Dancing With the Stars before he couldn't dance anymore. Um... EW.

And there is this.

 Valerie Harper and Tom Bergeron.

Don't get me wrong, I love Valerie Harper. I don't want her to die of cancer either. I appreciate the deference with which Tom Bergeron and the judges treated her. 

But she's 73 and she really can't dance. She's with the luscious Tristan MacManus, who hopefully will last a few more turns around the dance floor than he did with his last dance partner.

But honestly, enough with the dreaded diseases and near death already.

I am really glad of this. About half the cast are these hokey stunt casting things. Bill Nye, the science guy, who, for example, explained to his hot twenty-something dance partner that winning couples have sexual chemistry between them. Um, EW. Gross, dude.

Or lame football player guy, who unfortunately is with the luscious and wonderful Sharna Burgess, who says to her that Australians are "just the same as British... and all that." Says she, tersely, "That is NOT OK, at all." He should be slapped for his ignorance. And she has to dance with this buffoon? I don't care how many Super Bowl rings he has.

We also had some pros who went back into the troupe, and some from the troupe who graduated into "pro" level. Yawn.

Also quite notable this season is the voting process. The way it worked previously is that the judges would vote, then the people would vote and the following week, we'd see the results of who was voted out. That process is reversed this time.

For example, we have already voted on this first week. The judges (alone) get to see another dance next week, and vote (already one presumes knowing how the public has voted). So they can vote up their favorites higher to keep them on the show longer. Should be an interesting season.

Also, in regards to voting, they are letting the public vote via Facebook, via the ABC website or via phone. Completely gone is the texting option. Which, to me, almost totally takes out the incentive to vote, since I have unlimited texts but have to pay for phone calls. Anyone else like this?

Carrie Ann Inaba, Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli, our illustrious judges, who don't change.

Some big changes. Some not so good changes.

But already we have dancers taking risks, wowing us with their choices, taking our breaths away. Methinks it's going to be a fabulous Season 17, all in all.

Karina Smirnoff, mastering her first ever Contemporary dance. Courtesy of ABC.

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Congratulations to Derek and Kellie, our Season 16 champions!

The amazing Season 16 of Dancing With the Stars has come to an end. We have our winners: Derek Hough (in his fourth title) and Kellie Pickler.

Season 16 Mirror Ball winners: Derek Hough and Kellie Pickler

This is not, as anyone who read my column last week knows, how I expected it to go. There is no way 

in any Universe that Jacoby is a better dancer than the gymnast Aly. But here's what I think happened, why this result went down the way it did.

I really think it's unarguable that the four pros (Derek Hough, Mark Ballas, Valentin Chmerkovskiy and Karina Smirnoff) are the BEST on this season's show. By that I mean not only sheer talent, but creativity and passion and creating memorable dances. These four are the top of the top.

Peta Murgatroyd is fabulous, Kym Johnson has a couple of mirror balls. Heck, Tony Dovolani was last year's winner. But these four have both creative genius and the ability to work with whichever "celebrity" they get, to mold a winning season. At the outset, it wouldn't surprise me for any one of them to win. It just depends on who they are paired with.

Derek Hough, paired with Wynona, would've gone out of the competition just as fast as Tony Dovolani did.

The pros' job in the beginning is to take this lump of clay called a celebrity, and turn them into a dancer. How much they succeed at this depends just as much on the pro's choreography talent as it does on their hand-holding talents.

There were many moments in this season, for example, when the blissful genius of Mark and/or Derek's choreography guided their partners over otherwise rocky unfamiliar terrain. Val C. was tethered to a rocket, firing on all cylinders, and he had to tame her. Karina mostly just had to overcome their height differential, deal with Jacoby's farts and somehow turn out his pigeon toes. 

So I am REALLY very grateful that whoever decides these pairings gave Derek (and Mark and Val) at least a shot by pairing them with someone who was somewhat capable of finishing.

Honestly, most of the season was like dropping off dead weight one by one to finally see what the real dancers were going to do.

And so, we end up at the Finals, finally. Oh blissful heaven, was it wonderful!

I have to examine Karina and Jacoby first, because I expected them to drop off sooner.

KARINA SMIRNOFF AND JACOBY JONES (actual third place)

Karina Smirnoff and Jacoby Jones

This picture, to me, typifies what their whole season was like. Karina is there, working her ASS off, and Jacoby mostly looks like a clown, just sauntering through his paces, seeming like he really didn't want to be there.

They did a jive to start. And then, in their freestyle (the dance which really determines it all), they brought in a New Orleans-style jazz band, and a bunch of kids. I'm surprised there wasn't a kitchen sink. But we'll leave all that alone. They placed third.

Let's move onto the real three couples, as far as I'm concerned.

MARK BALLAS AND ALY RAISMAN (unbelievably, they placed fourth)

Mark Ballas' challenge at the beginning of the season was to take a gymnast (who is used to long practices and doing things until you get them right, all good things) with no sense of timing (as far as dance counts) and no romantic experience to speak of to convey passionate dance moves.

And LOOK. Look at this.

 Mark Ballas and Aly Raisman, doing a sexy samba. Courtesy of ABC/Dancing with the Stars 

You are looking at a very sexy woman here. Mark has always been sexy, is sexy in every dance, but to watch Aly's evolution has been amazing. This is NOT how she looked on the first show.

The signature dance, I would (and am) arguing here is the dance which makes or breaks a mirror ball champion is the freestyle. One of the things I admire the most about Mark Ballas, and so look forward to seeing in DWTS, is the creativity he brings to his choreography. He pushes the envelope, he crosses the line, he breaks new ground in his dances. Any groundbreaker is looked at askance at first. So he certainly has his detractors. I am sure, in this freestyle, he had a lot of people going, "Wow. WTF was that?" In fact, I'm sure that had everything to do with why he ended up fourth. They didn't get it.

But what I saw was the same poetry that I am going to laud Derek Hough for in a little bit. A melange of both Aly's strengths and a portrait how far she's come. A dance which not only pushed her further than comfortable limits, but also pushed him. It was mesmerizing and fantastic and everything a finale freestyle dance should be.

Aly R and Mark Ballas in their groundbreaking freestyle dance.

VALENTIN CHMERKOVSKIY AND ZENDAYA (placed second)

Going into the final episode, Val and Zendaya had the most judges points, and everywhere you went on social media, people were rooting and rallying for them to win. I thought for sure it would be a landslide for them.

They did an amazing samba, including a step that Len said he hadn't seen since the 50s. (What?) Fluid and mesmerizing. Beautiful.

Zendaya and Val C. do their samba during Finals. Courtesy of ABC/DWTS.

Zendaya and Val C. do the cha-cha relay (winning it).

Zendaya and Val were indeed the gold-star standard on that dance floor, and for my money, given the entire season, certainly deserved to win the mirror ball.
For their freestyle dance, Zendaya, who has an affiinity for kids, wanted to bring them in for part of the dance. As these two "dances with kids" freestyles went, I much preferred what Zendaya and Val did with theirs (compared to Karina and Jacoby's version). But I much preferred what they did alone too.

They were luminous and dynamic in their freestyle. Every bit champions.

Val Chmerkovskiy and Zendaya, absolute perfection.

DEREK HOUGH AND KELLIE PICKLER (winners of the Mirror Ball trophy)

But the actual winners of Season 16 were Derek Hough and Kellie Pickler. And here's why, IMHO.

Every week, the folks at home are encouraged to vote on the dances they just saw. I think they did that again this time. They weren't voting on who was the best all season long. They were voting on best dance, in fact, best freestyle dance.

By that measure, it was Derek Hough's win by miles. And I do credit Derek Hough with this win, as with his other wins. Sure he gets willing participants who are more or less able to do what he commands, but it is his vision, his passion, his choreography which wins trophies.

So, too, here.

Derek Hough and Kellie Pickler, reaching for the stars. ABC/DWTS

The freestyle dance he created smartly didn't include gimmicks like kids or brass bands. It was all about the dance, and also smartly, it was all about in one dance recreating all the dances of Season 16 for him and Kellie. It was passionate, fluid and very moving. I, like Carrie Ann Inaba, was in tears at the end of it. It was stunningly beautiful.

One of those dances where you just thank God that Derek Hough is in the world, creating dances for us to watch. 

This, more than any other thing, is why they won the Mirror Ball (IMHO). Kellie Pickler and Derek Hough

They deserved to win, after this dance. Its poetry and perfection was beyond compare.

And, on that subject, I want to mention how glad I am that nowhere in the season did we have (well maybe some nonsense at the beginning) ridiculous asides to camera about how "badly they want to win" this trophy.

This cast, and most specifically, Derek and Mark and Val C., continually throughout the season rightfully declare how it's all about the process, and that each dance is special, and that they are all a family. I really liked how the emphasis wasn't on "winning." It was about creating beautiful dances, in concert with your partner. That's as it should be.

A beautiful, memorable season.

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DWTS: It's the Semi-Finals (and the 300th show), baby!

Yes, I know. I missed a few episodes in there where we had some lovely dancing. What can I say?

Let's skip ahead to this week. It's the semi-finals. Nearly everyone who can't really dance is gone now (except Ingo, and he left this week). And I'm just going to leave him (sorry Kym) out of this week's recap too. Time to focus on the real dancers.

What we are left with is dancing, sublime dancing. So much of it, the 10 paddles were flying all over the ballroom. It was wondrous to behold. I hope you did.

Each of the remaining dancers had two dances, one chosen from whatever dances they still haven't done yet (not surprisingly, at least two couples had the Argentine tango still left, since that's one of the really hard ones); and the other dance was "chosen" by the Internet public at large from a pre-selected group of dances that have nothing to do with each other and haven't really been tried by most of the pros. FUN!

So I will describe both their real dance and their (for lack of a better term) frou-frou dance, in order of how I would place them overall (and hope how they place at the finals).

4. KARINA SMIRNOFF and JACOBY

Their frou-frou dance was the lindy hop. Just forget about it. Seriously.

For their real dance, they had the Argentine tango. There are times when Karina's choreography takes my breath away just as much as the big boys' does. This dance was one of those times. Truly sublime. (Just wish I didn't dislike Jacoby so much.)

Jacoby Jones and Karina Smirnoff perform the Argentine tango. Courtesy of ABC/Dancing with the Stars.

3. DEREK HOUGH and KELLIE PICKLER

For me, there are two things going on here. First, Kellie Pickler bugs the crap outta me. I started Day One wanting them to win, and consistently more and more throughout the season, she's been like a burr on your saddle, if you know what I mean. She would space out, as Brooke is asking her questions. "Squirrel!" kind of stuff. Non-focused. Annoying. Really seems like the kind of person that I wouldn't want to spend five minutes in conversation with.

All that said, Derek Hough is indeed a miracle worker. He is surely one of the finest choreographers on this show, definitely one of the reasons it has lasted 300 shows. His choreography (and dancing) is a joy and blessing to watch every single week. I adore him, flat out.

This week, for example. Their frou-frou dance was the flamenco, which Derek has "never danced." Wow. And he was flat-out amazing. I won't even mention how hot he looked in those flamenco pants... Ahem... Ok, I guess I will. But he was flamencoing to beat the band up there, and Miss Kellie was just kinda laying around. (IMHO)

Derek Hough's first flamenco. With Kellie Pickler. ABC/DWTS

One of the things that I truly hope happens from this season is that one of the costumers is fired. The one who keeps putting diminutive women in bustling dresses that weigh them down. (In fact, one of the things Ms. Pickler blamed her poor performance on was that her dress "was so heavy." Those words should never be uttered into a microphone, and whoever was responsible for that should be fired.) Seriously, all season long, there have been costume mishaps, women tripping, women weighed down, partners stepping on long gowns. It's unnecessary.

They are dancers. We need to see THEIR FEET. How they execute the steps. That's all. As little clothing to get there as possible. Certainly not volumes of fabric! For heaven's sake. It's not a period drama here.

And while I'm on my costuming tangent, whoever was responsible for the women sometimes wearing low or no-heeled shoes, God bless you. Maybe it was Zendaya herself insisting she just danced better in tennis shoes. Wonderful. If heels make you trip or miss steps, then don't wear them. Sounds like a no-brainer to me.

I'm sure dance purists are having a fit right now, but tough. It's about the Dance. That's all it's about. It's not the Academy Awards of costuming. You telling me there aren't dance costumers out there who know how to do this? Come on, ABC! Get it together.

But to get back to the matters at hand, Kellie's voluminous costume was at least part of the reason I didn't like her flamenco. Now maybe it was, in fact, covering up the fact that she wasn't dancing very well, but I'd rather see that.

But then, we have their tango. Oh my, their Argentine tango. Stunning. Even the footwork, which is oh so complicated, was very well executed, by both partners. Tens across the board. So beautiful to watch.

Derek Hough and Kellie Pickler. Courtesy of ABC/DWTS.

For the most part, their dances lack passion between them, but this one... ahem... had its moments.

2. MARK BALLAS and ALY RAISMAN

You know, Mark Ballas, also one of the most brilliant choreographers to walk the planet, has really had his share of bad luck on this show, being saddled with partners who don't want to disrobe or dance scantily (as is this show's wont), partners who just plain don't want to dance, all sorts of nonsense. As a result, he hasn't been in the finals as much as he really should, given how stunning his choreography is.

But, on the occasion when he gets a partner who is willing to go down whatever crazy pathway he devises, we are witness to magic, ladies and gentlemen. Take this week, for example. The cast has all these crazy dances thrown at them. Mark and Aly were literally begging for "AfroJazz." Guess what? They got it. And here it is.

Aly R and Mark Ballas dancing "AfroJazz." Courtesy of ABC/Dancing with the Stars.

Mark beats anyone on this show ever with getting in touch with all things primal. And this dance in the hands of anyone else would've been ripe pickings for a joke or two. But the way Mark Ballas constructed this, WOW. There was this moment where he was lying on the floor, and Aly was sort of bouncing on top of him that looked for all the world like sex, you know in a primal African sort of way.

It was sublime.

Speaking of that, both Aly and Zendaya are young girls who haven't had much experience with relationships, passion or even sex (the show didn't say that, I'M saying it). So how does one dance very sensual, romantic, passionate songs with no reference points? Mark Ballas is in the finals now because he was able to somehow get Aly to convey that which she knows NOTHING of.

Case in point. Their rumba.

To me, this dance was heartbreaking. About love and loss and passion and strength. I had tears in my eyes at the end, and Aly is a girl who hasn't yet experienced this!!! Amazing. Incredible what great choreography and sensitive coaching can do. BRAVO Mark Ballas.

Aly R and Mark Ballas dance a stunning rumba. Courtesy of ABC/Dancing with the Stars.

1. VALENTIN CHMERKOVSKIY and ZENDAYA

Most people who read my stuff know that I think Mark Ballas, Derek Hough and Karina Smirnoff are the best choreographers on this show. I start every DWTS season rooting for these three to be at the end. (I just selfishly want to see what dances they create along the way.)

But who wins, or whom I want to win, depends greatly on other variables. Namely, the person involved (the "celebrity" or "star" they are paired with). What the chemistry of the two of them is like. Other things.

For me, I've had a strong love-hate relationship with this show and Maksim Chmerkovskiy (as documented here). But most of the time, he was up there, listed with those other three in my book. And he was such a strong overwhelming personality, that when his little brother Val came on the show, well, I kind of ignored him.

Then the love affair/strong friendship/special bond of last season with Val C and Kelly Monaco made me look at Val in a different way. Especially their contemporary dance. Mind-blowing.

But it was this season, when Val was paired with teenager Zendaya that everything broke loose. He started breaking loose from Maksim's shadow in the Kelly Monaco season. But this season: WOW.

Really every single dance they have danced has been a treasure (always a hallmark of the eventual winner). Val has come up with very inventive choreography and new takes on boring dances. And it's been amazing to watch.

Their quickstep from tonight (which got Len all bent out of shape, but I loved) had a racecar theme. Brilliant. Full of speed.

Valentin Chmerkovskiy and Zendaya, dancing a quickstep really quick. Courtesy of ABC/DWTS.

But, for me, one of their most memorable dances of the season will have been their frou-frou dance of this week. They were tasked with dancing hip hop. Now, teen Zendaya is from the hip hop world. That's what she knows and makes her money at. Poor Val has never danced hip hop. (Remember when lovely Karina was tasked with dancing hip hop last season? She was so far out of her element, I thought she would have a nervous breakdown. She missed steps, she started crying, it was not a pretty moment.)

In contrast, look at Val. (And whoever's decision it was to have Val dressed in a suit while Zendaya is decked out in traditional hip hop clothes gets BIG props from me. That was just brilliant.) 

Zendaya and Valentin Chmerkovskiy doing hip hop. Courtesy of ABC/DWTS.

Just look at them. She is totally in her element, he is also, actually, in his (the dance floor). This, unlike anyone else this season, is an equal pairing.

She's got miles of star quality, he's got years of dance training. It's a match made in heaven for us.

Val C and Zendaya doing hip hop. Courtesy of ABC.

These are the people I want to win the Mirror Ball this season. Not because the other competitors aren't great (they are). But Val and Zendaya just have a really special sparkle this season together. (And Val has never won a Mirror Ball yet.) Just look at their chemistry together.

Zendaya and Valentin Chmerkovskiy dance hip hop. Courtesy of ABC/Dancing with the Stars.

Big brother Maksim has never won a Mirror Ball either. But then, he got into tussles with the judges, and was pouty and belligerent when he even came close. Little brother Val, in contrast, seems to be just enjoying the journey, taking things as they go and seeing what happens. 

The mark of a true champion. Heck, Zendaya's even taught him to smile this season.

*fingers crossed for them*

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