Derek and Amber Blow The Walls Off Week One: DWTS Season 17

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. WOW!

That's all I could keep saying as I was watching, and after I watched, the luminous cha cha that emanated from our favorite Derek Hough and his Season 17 partner, Amber Riley (known for her role in "Glee"). Dancing With the Stars had indeed kicked off its new season.

Amber Riley and Derek Hough blew my mind with this dance. Hello Season 17! Courtesy of ABC.

Mind you, Derek Hough is always one of my favorite DWTS dancers. The precision and groundbreaking choreography he brings to his dances in any season is always a highlight of this show. Even so... Even picking them, sight unseen as one of my favorites going in... Even knowing (and loving) Amber's performances as a singer on "Glee" didn't prepare me for this onslaught of perfection blowing at us in Week One.

So, I'm sorry, I must skip all the formalities for now... I'll get to them, don't worry— and just talk about Amber and Derek. She is standing on the stairs like a bejeweled Mata Hari, all sparkly sequins. She walks down slowly. Derek is walking among the crowd, urging them to clap to the rhythm.

All of a sudden, both of them lock into an exquisitely choreographed set of steps. Let me emphasize AGAIN that this is WEEK ONE. The week that is usually lots of people tripping over each other, and just barely getting over their nerves. (Well, OK, we did have a bunch of that, too.)

And usually, the way this goes is that people practice and practice and practice and by the last few weeks, maybe, they are able to do the complicated syncopated steps that some of these dances require.

Here were these two, doing intricate complicated steps in WEEK ONE. Seriously, I am really blown away by this. And so too, were the judges, who gave them unanimous NINES, unheard of in Week One (from one judge, much less ALL THREE). Well deserved though.

Seek out the video of this dance.

Amber Riley and Derek Hough do a mean cha cha.

Another thing about Miss Amber Riley, she has some similarities with the person I really perceived to be last season's winner, that gawky teenager named Zendaya. Both of them have star quality for days which cannot be contained. She is indeed the one to watch this season, as she left everyone behind eating her dust.

I'm on such an adrenaline rush from even thinking about Amber and Derek's first dance that all the other contestants pale in comparison.

But let me try to talk about some of them. The one thing that a lot of others whom I really liked had in common is that many chose to do Contemporary dance in Week One (often considered one of the hardest styles they do). None of them were as take-your-breath-away as Val's first one a couple of seasons ago, but, for Week One, they were pretty awesome.

Such as this one.

Christina Milian and Mark Ballas do Contemporary in Week One.

Mark Ballas is another of my most favorite choreographers on this show. His choreography is heartfelt, often gut-wrenching, and pushing envelopes that others can only dream of. This Contemporary piece with Chistina Milian is one of those. Beautiful, lyrical, gut-wrenching, erotic, dreamy. Wonderful stuff. Can't wait to see more of them this season.

Pushing her own envelope to open Season 17 was Karina Smirnoff, who had never before done Contemporary. Her choreography (often underrated) was beautiful and groundbreaking in its own way.

Karina Smirnoff does her very first Contemporary dance. Amazing and beautiful.

A dancer that I have really come to love for his inventive choreography, and cannot wait for him to have his own first Mirror Ball trophy, is Valentin Chmerkovskiy (Maksim's younger brother). He is paired this season with Elizabeth ("Showgirls") Berkley, who is trying to live down her past by doing this show. She has an excellent partner with Val. They remind us again in this amazing Contemporary dance that she is, indeed, a dancer.

Valentin Chmerkovskiy and Elizabeth Berkley. Courtesy of ABC/Dancing with the Stars.

All of these people created magic in Week One. That wasn't supposed to happen. It was just supposed to be a creaky, let's get to know these people slow churn. Magical poetry is what we got. We are so very very lucky.

We also had our resident hotties who are hot for each other, Peta Murgatroyd and Brant someone.

Peta Murgatroyd and Brant someone. Courtesy of ABC.

And our just plain fun to watch couple: Cheryl Burke and Jack Osbourne.

Jack Osbourne and Cheryl Burke. Courtesy of ABC.

All the others, I pretty much am just waiting for them to be voted off, in any order. All of the ones above I really look forward to watching each week.

OK, now to the mechanics. New season, new set. Well, kinda. Remember how last season, after every exhausting dance, as the dancers are panting and out of breath, they'd have to run up a long flight of stairs to get to the waiting microphone of Brooke Burke-Charvet? Well, no more, my friends.

This season, they have a red velvet mosh pit right next to the judges to just saunter over and collapse in. Very good, I'd say, for the dancers. Not so good for the viewers. Personally, I really kinda hated it. Previously, it seemed like you could watch the dancers above who were interested in watching their competitors. Now, they are all kinda there, whether they like it or not.

Don't they have a backstage area they can just saunter over to? I hope they refine this idea throughout the season, cause it doesn't work right now.

They also, after seasons of having the judges stage right, have decided to have them stage left, maybe having something to do with the red velvet lounge area being there also. It's disconcerting, but not intolerable.

There is also this kind of morbid thing going on in the cast this season. Jack Osbourne has MS, and wanted to do Dancing With the Stars before he couldn't dance anymore. Um... EW.

And there is this.

 Valerie Harper and Tom Bergeron.

Don't get me wrong, I love Valerie Harper. I don't want her to die of cancer either. I appreciate the deference with which Tom Bergeron and the judges treated her. 

But she's 73 and she really can't dance. She's with the luscious Tristan MacManus, who hopefully will last a few more turns around the dance floor than he did with his last dance partner.

But honestly, enough with the dreaded diseases and near death already.

I am really glad of this. About half the cast are these hokey stunt casting things. Bill Nye, the science guy, who, for example, explained to his hot twenty-something dance partner that winning couples have sexual chemistry between them. Um, EW. Gross, dude.

Or lame football player guy, who unfortunately is with the luscious and wonderful Sharna Burgess, who says to her that Australians are "just the same as British... and all that." Says she, tersely, "That is NOT OK, at all." He should be slapped for his ignorance. And she has to dance with this buffoon? I don't care how many Super Bowl rings he has.

We also had some pros who went back into the troupe, and some from the troupe who graduated into "pro" level. Yawn.

Also quite notable this season is the voting process. The way it worked previously is that the judges would vote, then the people would vote and the following week, we'd see the results of who was voted out. That process is reversed this time.

For example, we have already voted on this first week. The judges (alone) get to see another dance next week, and vote (already one presumes knowing how the public has voted). So they can vote up their favorites higher to keep them on the show longer. Should be an interesting season.

Also, in regards to voting, they are letting the public vote via Facebook, via the ABC website or via phone. Completely gone is the texting option. Which, to me, almost totally takes out the incentive to vote, since I have unlimited texts but have to pay for phone calls. Anyone else like this?

Carrie Ann Inaba, Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli, our illustrious judges, who don't change.

Some big changes. Some not so good changes.

But already we have dancers taking risks, wowing us with their choices, taking our breaths away. Methinks it's going to be a fabulous Season 17, all in all.

Karina Smirnoff, mastering her first ever Contemporary dance. Courtesy of ABC.

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Congratulations to Derek and Kellie, our Season 16 champions!

The amazing Season 16 of Dancing With the Stars has come to an end. We have our winners: Derek Hough (in his fourth title) and Kellie Pickler.

Season 16 Mirror Ball winners: Derek Hough and Kellie Pickler

This is not, as anyone who read my column last week knows, how I expected it to go. There is no way 

in any Universe that Jacoby is a better dancer than the gymnast Aly. But here's what I think happened, why this result went down the way it did.

I really think it's unarguable that the four pros (Derek Hough, Mark Ballas, Valentin Chmerkovskiy and Karina Smirnoff) are the BEST on this season's show. By that I mean not only sheer talent, but creativity and passion and creating memorable dances. These four are the top of the top.

Peta Murgatroyd is fabulous, Kym Johnson has a couple of mirror balls. Heck, Tony Dovolani was last year's winner. But these four have both creative genius and the ability to work with whichever "celebrity" they get, to mold a winning season. At the outset, it wouldn't surprise me for any one of them to win. It just depends on who they are paired with.

Derek Hough, paired with Wynona, would've gone out of the competition just as fast as Tony Dovolani did.

The pros' job in the beginning is to take this lump of clay called a celebrity, and turn them into a dancer. How much they succeed at this depends just as much on the pro's choreography talent as it does on their hand-holding talents.

There were many moments in this season, for example, when the blissful genius of Mark and/or Derek's choreography guided their partners over otherwise rocky unfamiliar terrain. Val C. was tethered to a rocket, firing on all cylinders, and he had to tame her. Karina mostly just had to overcome their height differential, deal with Jacoby's farts and somehow turn out his pigeon toes. 

So I am REALLY very grateful that whoever decides these pairings gave Derek (and Mark and Val) at least a shot by pairing them with someone who was somewhat capable of finishing.

Honestly, most of the season was like dropping off dead weight one by one to finally see what the real dancers were going to do.

And so, we end up at the Finals, finally. Oh blissful heaven, was it wonderful!

I have to examine Karina and Jacoby first, because I expected them to drop off sooner.

KARINA SMIRNOFF AND JACOBY JONES (actual third place)

Karina Smirnoff and Jacoby Jones

This picture, to me, typifies what their whole season was like. Karina is there, working her ASS off, and Jacoby mostly looks like a clown, just sauntering through his paces, seeming like he really didn't want to be there.

They did a jive to start. And then, in their freestyle (the dance which really determines it all), they brought in a New Orleans-style jazz band, and a bunch of kids. I'm surprised there wasn't a kitchen sink. But we'll leave all that alone. They placed third.

Let's move onto the real three couples, as far as I'm concerned.

MARK BALLAS AND ALY RAISMAN (unbelievably, they placed fourth)

Mark Ballas' challenge at the beginning of the season was to take a gymnast (who is used to long practices and doing things until you get them right, all good things) with no sense of timing (as far as dance counts) and no romantic experience to speak of to convey passionate dance moves.

And LOOK. Look at this.

 Mark Ballas and Aly Raisman, doing a sexy samba. Courtesy of ABC/Dancing with the Stars 

You are looking at a very sexy woman here. Mark has always been sexy, is sexy in every dance, but to watch Aly's evolution has been amazing. This is NOT how she looked on the first show.

The signature dance, I would (and am) arguing here is the dance which makes or breaks a mirror ball champion is the freestyle. One of the things I admire the most about Mark Ballas, and so look forward to seeing in DWTS, is the creativity he brings to his choreography. He pushes the envelope, he crosses the line, he breaks new ground in his dances. Any groundbreaker is looked at askance at first. So he certainly has his detractors. I am sure, in this freestyle, he had a lot of people going, "Wow. WTF was that?" In fact, I'm sure that had everything to do with why he ended up fourth. They didn't get it.

But what I saw was the same poetry that I am going to laud Derek Hough for in a little bit. A melange of both Aly's strengths and a portrait how far she's come. A dance which not only pushed her further than comfortable limits, but also pushed him. It was mesmerizing and fantastic and everything a finale freestyle dance should be.

Aly R and Mark Ballas in their groundbreaking freestyle dance.

VALENTIN CHMERKOVSKIY AND ZENDAYA (placed second)

Going into the final episode, Val and Zendaya had the most judges points, and everywhere you went on social media, people were rooting and rallying for them to win. I thought for sure it would be a landslide for them.

They did an amazing samba, including a step that Len said he hadn't seen since the 50s. (What?) Fluid and mesmerizing. Beautiful.

Zendaya and Val C. do their samba during Finals. Courtesy of ABC/DWTS.

Zendaya and Val C. do the cha-cha relay (winning it).

Zendaya and Val were indeed the gold-star standard on that dance floor, and for my money, given the entire season, certainly deserved to win the mirror ball.
For their freestyle dance, Zendaya, who has an affiinity for kids, wanted to bring them in for part of the dance. As these two "dances with kids" freestyles went, I much preferred what Zendaya and Val did with theirs (compared to Karina and Jacoby's version). But I much preferred what they did alone too.

They were luminous and dynamic in their freestyle. Every bit champions.

Val Chmerkovskiy and Zendaya, absolute perfection.

DEREK HOUGH AND KELLIE PICKLER (winners of the Mirror Ball trophy)

But the actual winners of Season 16 were Derek Hough and Kellie Pickler. And here's why, IMHO.

Every week, the folks at home are encouraged to vote on the dances they just saw. I think they did that again this time. They weren't voting on who was the best all season long. They were voting on best dance, in fact, best freestyle dance.

By that measure, it was Derek Hough's win by miles. And I do credit Derek Hough with this win, as with his other wins. Sure he gets willing participants who are more or less able to do what he commands, but it is his vision, his passion, his choreography which wins trophies.

So, too, here.

Derek Hough and Kellie Pickler, reaching for the stars. ABC/DWTS

The freestyle dance he created smartly didn't include gimmicks like kids or brass bands. It was all about the dance, and also smartly, it was all about in one dance recreating all the dances of Season 16 for him and Kellie. It was passionate, fluid and very moving. I, like Carrie Ann Inaba, was in tears at the end of it. It was stunningly beautiful.

One of those dances where you just thank God that Derek Hough is in the world, creating dances for us to watch. 

This, more than any other thing, is why they won the Mirror Ball (IMHO). Kellie Pickler and Derek Hough

They deserved to win, after this dance. Its poetry and perfection was beyond compare.

And, on that subject, I want to mention how glad I am that nowhere in the season did we have (well maybe some nonsense at the beginning) ridiculous asides to camera about how "badly they want to win" this trophy.

This cast, and most specifically, Derek and Mark and Val C., continually throughout the season rightfully declare how it's all about the process, and that each dance is special, and that they are all a family. I really liked how the emphasis wasn't on "winning." It was about creating beautiful dances, in concert with your partner. That's as it should be.

A beautiful, memorable season.

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DWTS: It's the Semi-Finals (and the 300th show), baby!

Yes, I know. I missed a few episodes in there where we had some lovely dancing. What can I say?

Let's skip ahead to this week. It's the semi-finals. Nearly everyone who can't really dance is gone now (except Ingo, and he left this week). And I'm just going to leave him (sorry Kym) out of this week's recap too. Time to focus on the real dancers.

What we are left with is dancing, sublime dancing. So much of it, the 10 paddles were flying all over the ballroom. It was wondrous to behold. I hope you did.

Each of the remaining dancers had two dances, one chosen from whatever dances they still haven't done yet (not surprisingly, at least two couples had the Argentine tango still left, since that's one of the really hard ones); and the other dance was "chosen" by the Internet public at large from a pre-selected group of dances that have nothing to do with each other and haven't really been tried by most of the pros. FUN!

So I will describe both their real dance and their (for lack of a better term) frou-frou dance, in order of how I would place them overall (and hope how they place at the finals).

4. KARINA SMIRNOFF and JACOBY

Their frou-frou dance was the lindy hop. Just forget about it. Seriously.

For their real dance, they had the Argentine tango. There are times when Karina's choreography takes my breath away just as much as the big boys' does. This dance was one of those times. Truly sublime. (Just wish I didn't dislike Jacoby so much.)

Jacoby Jones and Karina Smirnoff perform the Argentine tango. Courtesy of ABC/Dancing with the Stars.

3. DEREK HOUGH and KELLIE PICKLER

For me, there are two things going on here. First, Kellie Pickler bugs the crap outta me. I started Day One wanting them to win, and consistently more and more throughout the season, she's been like a burr on your saddle, if you know what I mean. She would space out, as Brooke is asking her questions. "Squirrel!" kind of stuff. Non-focused. Annoying. Really seems like the kind of person that I wouldn't want to spend five minutes in conversation with.

All that said, Derek Hough is indeed a miracle worker. He is surely one of the finest choreographers on this show, definitely one of the reasons it has lasted 300 shows. His choreography (and dancing) is a joy and blessing to watch every single week. I adore him, flat out.

This week, for example. Their frou-frou dance was the flamenco, which Derek has "never danced." Wow. And he was flat-out amazing. I won't even mention how hot he looked in those flamenco pants... Ahem... Ok, I guess I will. But he was flamencoing to beat the band up there, and Miss Kellie was just kinda laying around. (IMHO)

Derek Hough's first flamenco. With Kellie Pickler. ABC/DWTS

One of the things that I truly hope happens from this season is that one of the costumers is fired. The one who keeps putting diminutive women in bustling dresses that weigh them down. (In fact, one of the things Ms. Pickler blamed her poor performance on was that her dress "was so heavy." Those words should never be uttered into a microphone, and whoever was responsible for that should be fired.) Seriously, all season long, there have been costume mishaps, women tripping, women weighed down, partners stepping on long gowns. It's unnecessary.

They are dancers. We need to see THEIR FEET. How they execute the steps. That's all. As little clothing to get there as possible. Certainly not volumes of fabric! For heaven's sake. It's not a period drama here.

And while I'm on my costuming tangent, whoever was responsible for the women sometimes wearing low or no-heeled shoes, God bless you. Maybe it was Zendaya herself insisting she just danced better in tennis shoes. Wonderful. If heels make you trip or miss steps, then don't wear them. Sounds like a no-brainer to me.

I'm sure dance purists are having a fit right now, but tough. It's about the Dance. That's all it's about. It's not the Academy Awards of costuming. You telling me there aren't dance costumers out there who know how to do this? Come on, ABC! Get it together.

But to get back to the matters at hand, Kellie's voluminous costume was at least part of the reason I didn't like her flamenco. Now maybe it was, in fact, covering up the fact that she wasn't dancing very well, but I'd rather see that.

But then, we have their tango. Oh my, their Argentine tango. Stunning. Even the footwork, which is oh so complicated, was very well executed, by both partners. Tens across the board. So beautiful to watch.

Derek Hough and Kellie Pickler. Courtesy of ABC/DWTS.

For the most part, their dances lack passion between them, but this one... ahem... had its moments.

2. MARK BALLAS and ALY RAISMAN

You know, Mark Ballas, also one of the most brilliant choreographers to walk the planet, has really had his share of bad luck on this show, being saddled with partners who don't want to disrobe or dance scantily (as is this show's wont), partners who just plain don't want to dance, all sorts of nonsense. As a result, he hasn't been in the finals as much as he really should, given how stunning his choreography is.

But, on the occasion when he gets a partner who is willing to go down whatever crazy pathway he devises, we are witness to magic, ladies and gentlemen. Take this week, for example. The cast has all these crazy dances thrown at them. Mark and Aly were literally begging for "AfroJazz." Guess what? They got it. And here it is.

Aly R and Mark Ballas dancing "AfroJazz." Courtesy of ABC/Dancing with the Stars.

Mark beats anyone on this show ever with getting in touch with all things primal. And this dance in the hands of anyone else would've been ripe pickings for a joke or two. But the way Mark Ballas constructed this, WOW. There was this moment where he was lying on the floor, and Aly was sort of bouncing on top of him that looked for all the world like sex, you know in a primal African sort of way.

It was sublime.

Speaking of that, both Aly and Zendaya are young girls who haven't had much experience with relationships, passion or even sex (the show didn't say that, I'M saying it). So how does one dance very sensual, romantic, passionate songs with no reference points? Mark Ballas is in the finals now because he was able to somehow get Aly to convey that which she knows NOTHING of.

Case in point. Their rumba.

To me, this dance was heartbreaking. About love and loss and passion and strength. I had tears in my eyes at the end, and Aly is a girl who hasn't yet experienced this!!! Amazing. Incredible what great choreography and sensitive coaching can do. BRAVO Mark Ballas.

Aly R and Mark Ballas dance a stunning rumba. Courtesy of ABC/Dancing with the Stars.

1. VALENTIN CHMERKOVSKIY and ZENDAYA

Most people who read my stuff know that I think Mark Ballas, Derek Hough and Karina Smirnoff are the best choreographers on this show. I start every DWTS season rooting for these three to be at the end. (I just selfishly want to see what dances they create along the way.)

But who wins, or whom I want to win, depends greatly on other variables. Namely, the person involved (the "celebrity" or "star" they are paired with). What the chemistry of the two of them is like. Other things.

For me, I've had a strong love-hate relationship with this show and Maksim Chmerkovskiy (as documented here). But most of the time, he was up there, listed with those other three in my book. And he was such a strong overwhelming personality, that when his little brother Val came on the show, well, I kind of ignored him.

Then the love affair/strong friendship/special bond of last season with Val C and Kelly Monaco made me look at Val in a different way. Especially their contemporary dance. Mind-blowing.

But it was this season, when Val was paired with teenager Zendaya that everything broke loose. He started breaking loose from Maksim's shadow in the Kelly Monaco season. But this season: WOW.

Really every single dance they have danced has been a treasure (always a hallmark of the eventual winner). Val has come up with very inventive choreography and new takes on boring dances. And it's been amazing to watch.

Their quickstep from tonight (which got Len all bent out of shape, but I loved) had a racecar theme. Brilliant. Full of speed.

Valentin Chmerkovskiy and Zendaya, dancing a quickstep really quick. Courtesy of ABC/DWTS.

But, for me, one of their most memorable dances of the season will have been their frou-frou dance of this week. They were tasked with dancing hip hop. Now, teen Zendaya is from the hip hop world. That's what she knows and makes her money at. Poor Val has never danced hip hop. (Remember when lovely Karina was tasked with dancing hip hop last season? She was so far out of her element, I thought she would have a nervous breakdown. She missed steps, she started crying, it was not a pretty moment.)

In contrast, look at Val. (And whoever's decision it was to have Val dressed in a suit while Zendaya is decked out in traditional hip hop clothes gets BIG props from me. That was just brilliant.) 

Zendaya and Valentin Chmerkovskiy doing hip hop. Courtesy of ABC/DWTS.

Just look at them. She is totally in her element, he is also, actually, in his (the dance floor). This, unlike anyone else this season, is an equal pairing.

She's got miles of star quality, he's got years of dance training. It's a match made in heaven for us.

Val C and Zendaya doing hip hop. Courtesy of ABC.

These are the people I want to win the Mirror Ball this season. Not because the other competitors aren't great (they are). But Val and Zendaya just have a really special sparkle this season together. (And Val has never won a Mirror Ball yet.) Just look at their chemistry together.

Zendaya and Valentin Chmerkovskiy dance hip hop. Courtesy of ABC/Dancing with the Stars.

Big brother Maksim has never won a Mirror Ball either. But then, he got into tussles with the judges, and was pouty and belligerent when he even came close. Little brother Val, in contrast, seems to be just enjoying the journey, taking things as they go and seeing what happens. 

The mark of a true champion. Heck, Zendaya's even taught him to smile this season.

*fingers crossed for them*

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Survivor Crowns the Rightful Winner

Survivor: Caramoan just ended. I haven't written about it, or even shared in the weekly evening Tweet sessions much, if at all, this season.

Here's why, in a nutshell. I really got inspired a few seasons ago with the players who really showed their religion on their sleeves, showed how it got them through those long lonely days. I got spoiled on that. I could see, for a few, shimmering moments, how Survivor really could show the good in people, the quality, the integrity, the class. The spirituality. It was really blissful and inspiring.

Well, all that has gone away so far it may as well have been bludgeoned away. In point of fact, one of the architects that I'm speaking of (Brandon Hantz) went through a real spiritual journey on that first season he was on, taking spirituality to a whole new level on the show. So I was very excited to see him on this season again. However, between that first season and this one, things changed in a very negative way.

Personally, I think his uncle got to him, and advised him to be more of a dick to win. And so he did. Aside to Brandon: that wasn't the way to go.

So, what can we say about Survivor: Caramoan? If nothing else, it was indeed an exciting season. When looking at the strategy and the game play, some of the moves made caused a person to truly gasp in their seats, and it's been awhile since that has happened.

Here's the thing though. Somewhere along the way (of its 26 seasons), Survivor found its soul. It found, actually, that putting people in these crazy situations can actually lead to some insight that is much more profound than one expects when sitting down to a reality show.

And now, in the last two seasons, it's taken that back, with a vengeance. In fact, I would even say it stooped to Richard Hatch/Hantz Inc. level dickishness. The bottom line, at least for me, is that I don't want to see this whole "it's just a game" BS. I don't want to see someone friends with someone else and then slitting their throat.

The truth in life is that every moment of every thing you do affects every thing else. It should be that way in Survivor too. And, for a couple of blissful seasons, it was.

But in Survivor Caramoan, we had everyone out for themselves, back to backstabbing and blindsiding and hurting people that you were friends with and who trusted you. And I really dislike that ugliness.

Brandon Hantz, in point of fact, had one of the ugliest meltdowns ever in Survivor. In fact, if he wanted to surpass his uncle Russell in vile crassness and ugly humanity, he surely did. It took me this long in the article to even remember Russell's name, I just kept seeing Brandon pouring out everyone's rice over and over in my head. Ugly. Heinous.

I am, in fact, praying that the upcoming "Blood versus Water" season doesn't include ANYONE named Hantz.

I am also praying hard that Dawn never again graces our screens on Survivor. Certain people really need psychological counseling more than they need Survivor. I'm glad Dawn got rid of her Twitter. I hope she doesn't read this article. And I hope I never in my life see her on any TV anywhere ever again. She was a mental basket case. It wasn't pretty.

She went the opposite way, too. In the last season she played, she tried to... you know, have ethics. This time, she decided she didn't need to do that, and blithely cut anyone's throat who got in her way, with the trope, "It's only a game." And she wonders why Brenda never returned her calls.

As someone following strategy, I can see why Brenda needed to be voted out. It was a good strategy play, because certainly Brenda would've won. However, the female connection between Dawn and Brenda was really palpable. I felt pain when she turned around after her torch was snuffed, and said, simply, "That really hurt."

Integrity is more important than "playing a game." And if I were talking to Dawn right now, I would say: THAT is why you didn't get even ONE vote at tribal. You cannot forget that part of the game. Ask Russell Hantz.

Also interesting at the "Reunion" show afterwards, a show in which normally the entire Survivor season's cast is lined up from first voted off to Survivor winner, to chat about the past season, this season, for the first time ever, they only had the jury folks. 10 people, instead of 26.

Sure, perhaps speaking to every person gets unwieldy in an hour wrap-up show. Plus, the interchangeable blondes, Francesca who got voted out first twice... I mean, what is there really to say to any of them? Plus, again, I'm glad Brandon Hantz wasn't within 20 miles of those onstage.

Malcolm... *swoon* and his hair... well, I was really hoping Malcolm would win. And the reunion show really missed a trick in not having Malcolm's mother on to help celebrate Mother's Day. ("Enil Edam" was really "Madeline" backwards, for his mom.)

Philip and his Stealth R Us team was a fun aspect of this season. Philip, in quoting his strategies, mentioned one of Survivor's best players, Boston Rob.

Boston Rob, on the reunion show, brought along his new book (you heard me): "The Boston Rob Rulebook." You can purchase it here:

Boston Rob Rulebook

Congratulations, John Cochran. You did outplay, outwit and outlast. You deserved to win.

And now, hopefully on to (the Hantz-less) "Blood and Water" version in September. May it have more kindness and integrity than the past two seasons did.

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Side by Side Pros For Added Spice

Pros (Tony and Emma) on the left, Ingo and Kym on the right. Courtesy of ABC/Dancing with the Stars.

This week on Dancing With the Stars, judge Len Goodman decided it would be a good thing to have two pros dancing side by side to each couple, so that the audience (and the contestants) could see how they are actually supposed to be dancing.

In some cases, this turned out well. In others, like the supremely self-conscious Ingo (and Kym), it was a disaster. I can totally understand. As an actor, you make your own choices on how to read a line. You put together 25 different actors, you’re probably going to get 25 different line readings. And each, in the craft of acting, would be fine. (Well, assuming they don’t botch it completely.)

So to have someone dancing side by side, and actually showing you the correct move (while you are executing the incorrect move) has got to be very intimidating. Ingo and Kym danced first, and it was disastrous. 

The set up was this. First the pro dancers would dance, then the competing couple AND the pros, then the competing couple by themselves (all within the same song). Which nicely made for longer dances, and also allowed the audience to know more clearly what to be looking for in the “celebrity” dancer.

When the part of the dance came where Ingo is side by side with a pro (which was last year's champ Tony Dovolani), Ingo crumbled. It was like a death knell to his positive spirit. So when he got around to dancing “his” part, he was barely walking through it. Very sad.

Others fared better. Some positively shone.

For example, my favorite dancers of the night, who are on the fast track to becoming my favorites to win this Mirror Ball: Val and Zendaya. They were blessed with Val's big brother Maks and Anna Trebunskaya. Their task? The Argentine tango.

They had two problems with this. First, Val had never before danced an Argentine tango. Second, Zendaya is 16, and she's having some problems with the whole "passion" aspect of the tango. Maks was great with teaching them the Argentine tango steps. Anna: "Teaching (Zendaya) to be a woman is harder."

Well, that's what they said in the opening package. Then you see the dance. Holy moly. Seriously one of the best Argentine tangos I've seen on this show.

Val Chmerskovskiy and Zendaya. Courtesy of ABC.

Just unbelievable dancing. And they were rewarded with the first 10s of this season. (From Carrie Ann and Bruno. Len was a holdout with a measly 9.) Really stunning stuff.

Another fun pairing was Maks and Anna with Jacoby and Karina. 

Anna Trebunskaya, Maksim Chmerskovskiy, Jacoby Jones and Karina Smirnoff.

I'm not sure why Maks "left" the show, but I'm just really really glad he's back. He was really missed, and he really added a lot to this episode.

Jacoby and Karina are a couple who have to struggle with the height issue. Sometimes it looks funny. But sometimes, you get effects like this:

Jacoby Jones and Karina Smirnoff. "Look, ma, no hands!" :-0

Mark Ballas' stunning choreography continues to wow us week after week. I loved their dance this week, with Tony Dovolani and troupe pro Whitney Carson.

Whitney, Tony, Aly and Mark Ballas. Courtesy of ABC/Dancing with the Stars.

Aly got some tips on how to do the "women" stuff from Whitney. There are some things about presence that a man just can't teach.

But week after week, they are just fun to watch.

Aly R. and Mark Ballas have some fun on the dance floor.

And then we had this:

Andy Dick, aka "Ando," ziplines onto the stage.

Not as much fun, for my money, as when David Arquette ziplined onto the stage in one of his dances, but certainly not boring either. Week after week, Andy Dick surprises and amazes with how hard he works, and while he may not be the best dancer, he is consistent and tries very hard. That is what this show is supposed to be about. And that's why I keep voting for him and Sharna.

Andy Dick and Sharna Burgess. Doncha just love 'em?

Can't leave out my other favorite couple, Kellie Pickler and Derek Hough. Derek, if I haven't said it enough, is just a brilliant choreographer.

Kellie Pickler and Derek Hough.

We won't talk about the ones who ended up going home this week. Only to say that I love Cheryl Burke and am really glad she is no longer saddled with this particular partner. *sigh*

Hope you enjoyed this week. It was crazy.

Jacoby Jones doing his "dance."

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Coachella Weekend 1

Courtesy of Maryshaw16.

Surely by now all the dust is finally out of your mouth. And hair. And clothes.

All that lingers is the blissful memories of the music you witnessed over the first Coachella weekend?

First, a disclaimer. I didn't attend. But I'm doing what so many other social media mavens seem to be doing: commenting on the action as if I were there. After all, all weekend long, youtube and Coachella itself ran wonderful streams of the music playing. I watched much of those three days, and that's what I'm reporting on.

I also manned the social media desk, and monitored much Coachella activity, just to get a feel of what others were going through.

Just to show you that I'm not alone in all this, at least HALF of the photos that I perused on Twitter were people showing their fancy big TV setup on which they, too, were viewing the action at Coachella.

Let it be known that easily half of the music performed was not on the stream. Thus, I was not privy to the blissful music of LA favorite IO Echo, nor did I see the long-awaited reunion show of The Three O'Clock (though I did hear Sky Daniels wonderful interview with them on KCSN on Monday afternoon). I also was not privy to photos of the extremely sparse attendance of the Friday headliner, Stone Roses.

And, just like at the real Coachella, you cannot (physically cannot) see everything. Although some people described how they had three browser windows open, watching all three streams at once, I preferred to (as I would do if I were there) pick a band I liked and watch what they had to offer. So the following list is by no means comprehensive.

It smacks of Miche's preferential treatment, just seeking out bands I know I'm going to like, and ignoring those COUGHFranzFerdinandCOUGH I'm well over.

There were some surprises.

First, the WORST of the weekend's Coachella offerings.

Let me say this, Coachella itself keeps getting pricier and pricier. If you don't know this, you had to purchase all three days (not to mention the lodging to go with it), and the gas to drive out there. Coachella is no poor man's walk in the park. And for that money, you expect at least ONE headliner is going to knock your socks off. From what I've heard, the only thing knocked off was clothing that blew away in Sunday's wind and dust storms.

Here are the ones I perused that I just didn't like.

I tripped over Wu Tang Clan, whom many were raving about and which reportedly had huge crowds (hoping beyond hope for that ODB hologram which never appeared). But Wu Tang Clan is not my kind of music, so I didn't stay there long.

In the "boring me to tears" category, there was James Blake, Of Monsters and Men, Modest Mouse and The Postal Service, who commented that they weren't really a band. Sure seemed accurate. Worst offenders, though, were Polica.

Mister Shovel, at KCSN, has a real uncanny knack of always finding a band's hit song. KCSN, in fact, is playing a Polica song which is great. I love it. However, this band, in concert, was DREADFUL. No stage presence whatsoever. One of those bands who spend too much time in the studio and not enough on tour. BLECH. Hated it.

Even worse, though, was the return of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Now, I admit. I'm more of a film and TV geek. I pretty much am clueless about band members and their names. I am. So I spent the first few songs wondering where the hell Dave Navarro was. I actually even looked it up on Wikipedia. Apparently, he left the band in 1998. Well, that's when the poetry left then, cause man, they were really lacking whatever it was that made them great. I couldn't even watch more than a couple songs. AWFUL.

Thankfully, there were many more bands whom I either liked or truly loved. I put together a ranking of the Top 12, based both on music presented, and flexibility from their normal show to the venue. One must take in one's surroundings and work accordingly.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Vampire Weekend, Passion Pit, Metric, Grizzly Bear, Japandroids, Dinosaur Jr., Social Distortion, Cafe Tacvba, Tokyo Ska Paradise Orchestra

DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO SEE: The XX, Janelle Monae, How to Destroy Angels, Eric someone that everyone was raving about, Blur, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Dead Can Dance, Spiritualized

MIA: Lou Reed, who backed out

Without further ado:

Coachella's Top 12, Weekend 1

12. SPARKS
I love love love Sparks. They have been around forever, and I have loved them (no joke) since my cousin Julian first gave me one of their albums in 1968. I saw them again at a recent show in Los Angeles, and they were wonderful. For Coachella, they decided to strip down to just the two main masterminds. I am not sure about this decision. Or, for that matter, how well they play at Coachella in general. They are on this list because I love them. But I think the crowd that witnessed them pretty much left scratching their heads.

11. LOCAL NATIVES
A band I love from listening to Mister Shovel's "City of Night" show on KCSN. They are local (to LA). And they are great. Really enjoyed their show. Check out their music, if you can.

10. FATHER JOHN MISTY
Mister Shovel again alerted us to this incredible musical talent, another local native. Watching him was just a revelation. His music incredible. His full beard very en vogue at the moment. His songs, his lyrics just wondrous. Not to be missed anywhere he plays.

9. TANLINES
I actually first heard this band on Mister Shovel's side radio project, Radio Free Indie, then heard them again on City of Night and KCSN in general. Can't get their music out of my head, they were also very fun to watch. The term "catchy tune" was made for these guys.

8. ALT J
Now, pretty much the music I follow is the stuff Mister Shovel has played. That's pretty much it. And I don't recall him ever playing or mentioning Alt J. I'm not sure why I landed on him, but I did, and he was wonderful. Great music. I really want to check out more of his stuff. The crowd seemed to be really into him (and more aware of his music than I was).

7. PHOENIX
Surely when people talk about this first weekend of Coachella, one of the big hits is/was Phoenix. Although many in the Twitterverse seemed to not know they are French, everyone seemed to really dig their vibe. And their surprise guest. (No, not Daft Punk, whom everyone was rumoring, but never happened.) Phoenix, a definite hit.

6. HOT CHIP
Hot Chip is one of those rare bands who play Coachella more than once. The first time I saw them, at Coachella a few years ago, I was blown away. This time, they were good, but not superb. But they are the kind of band that Coachella should have back year after year, they really fit the vibe.

5. STARS
This band was kind of a stumble upon thing. Started watching them in between other things, and they were so great I couldn't turn them off. Really enjoyed their music, their presentation, the lead female singer, all of it.

4. TAME IMPALA
I know this is getting to be redundant, but I heard them first on Radio Free Indie, then on City of Night, then on KCSN. Loved every single song they played. Could be seen muttering, "Tame Impala. WOW," over and over, through their entire set. So freaking good it's painful.

3. AIRBORNE TOXIC EVENT
Man, oh man. This band, I first heard on Mister Shovel's Check One Two program, on Indie 103.1 FM. I remember when they, one Christmas, decided they wanted to play an acoustic version of a new number they had for him. A little ditty called "Sometime Around Midnight." From that moment to this one, they've become huge rock stars, traveled and traversed the world a couple times or more. Sweet Anna Bulbrook now has this Parisian blonde tinge to her hair, always gorgeous. Lead singer Mikel has survived a couple of deaths of those close to him. And here we are, now, at Coachella.

This time around, they are gracing the main stage, not the Outdoor as they were last time. Unfortunately, they have a very early set time. They really should've been put on later. (You know how certain bands just lend themselves to a darkness? ATE is one such band, IMHO.) But there they were, in the bright sunlight, with Anna bouncing onto the bass player's shoulders.

Gosh, it was just so great to see them. They are fantastic. I have loved them every time I've seen them. This time is no different. And "Sometime Around Midnight" still makes me cry. Every time. LOVED them.

2. GRINDERMAN
Now, you will notice (in my list of bands I hated and these bands I loved) that nowhere did I list Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, whom I also watched. Nick Cave, you see, had two bands at Coachella. Grinderman was Friday. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds was Sunday.

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds was too much of a downer for me. I love them normally, and loved the parts of the video I was watching of his LA concert recently. But some of his music (this music) was just really dark. Not just sad and somber but kinda scary. I wasn't into it.

But Grinderman, which also walked the line of dark places, even seedy moments... was just better. Maybe it was just the "No P***y Blues" which spoke to me. I dunno. I just LOVED Grinderman.

The kids' choir and all the scary dark lyrics just didn't fit the location or the venue or the people there. So Grinderman gets on the list, and Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds don't.

The number one act to me is also a total shock to me. In fact, I was at the end of my evening, waiting for another band to start up on a channel, and I thought, eh. I guess I'll check them out for a minute. I watched every song. THEY WERE PHENOMENAL.

1. ORCHESTRAL MANOEUVERS IN THE DARK (aka OMD)
Phenomenal. Wait, wait, seriously, I first heard them on Mister Shovel's radio station in the 80s, called WLBS. They were so much of that time, that gnarly 80s time. I still have vinyl of them from that time. But what shocked me was how bloody current they sound today. Song after song after song. They sounded the most modern of anyone. They just stunned me with how great their music still is.

And their performance was also amazing. The lead singer was dancing the way we danced in the 80s, and truth to tell, the way I still dance now. It was very comforting. But it also fit this very modern music.

OMD just blew my mind. I still cannot get over how great they were. So for me, OMD were, far and away, the standout of the first weekend of Coachella.

Let's see who gets the prize next weekend!~ ;-)

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My Favorite Year Is Not My Favorite Episode

The whole "What was the best year of your life?" question, in the context of Dancing With the Stars, can lead to really poignant, sublime moments and it can also lead to not much of anything. We had both in this evening's festivities.

Perhaps more than ever before, we had people doing dances "for" someone, and that someone was in the audience, or in one case, up onstage. I don't think I like this trend.

I was much more moved, for example, when Zendaya, in the previous week, did a dance for her grandmother, from her grandmother's time. (She was also present.)

But we had Jacoby Jones dancing for his child (who is barely old enough to know what's going on); Zendaya, so as not to top herself, was getting into full diva mode for Beyonce; Bachelor Sean, who's talked about in the tabloids as having a shouting match "romance" with winner Catherine when cameras aren't on, made full advantage of this "doing a dance for/to someone" concept, and kissed his "beloved" on camera during the dance. Yawn.

Andy Dick, in the night's most moving presentation, was dancing for his daughter (also present). Kellie Pickler danced for her husband, who happened to be up onstage, singing the song he had written that she danced to. For me, that all took away from the magic of the dance, since one is supposed to be passionate with one's partner, and Derek kinda looked second-fiddle.

But let's not quibble about the shaky reason they choose to build a night around. Let's just look at the dancing, shall we?

Derek and Kellie were, as always, sublime in their shapes and movements.

The sublime Derek Hough and Kellie Pickler. Courtesy of ABC/Dancing With the Stars.

Mark and Aly did an amazing contemporary dance, which brought tears to my eyes with its poetry and beauty. When it's done right, it's stunning. Witness this:

Genius choreographer Mark Ballas and Aly the gymnast.

Val Chmerkovskiy, still cranking out the killer choreography, gave us this to a Beyonce tune.

Val Chmerkovskiy and Zendaya take on Beyonce, using his amazing choreography.

I am really rooting for Andy Dick. People get extra votes for sobriety and trying hard, in my book. Andy Dick is still trying really hard, and still got all my extra votes. (Hope he got yours, too.)

Andy Dick and Sharna Burgess. Courtesy of ABC/Dancing With the Stars.

One minor quibble was with the costumers. Most of the time, they do create great costumes. However, they seem to be having problems with Kym Johnson's dresses being too long and/or not coming off easily when they have a costume change thing. Cheryl Burke's outfit looked at times like it was going to overwhelm her.

Volumes of fabric threaten to swallow up Cheryl Burke.

Come on, people. They are DANCERS. We want to see their legs and feet! Please! And they don't need to trip over volumes of clothing. Very frustrating.

Gleb gets the award for "Most Clueless" this week. His partner passes out beneath him. "You OK?" he murmurs as she lies there, prone and unmoving.

But, in the final analysis, I prefer to remember the amazing dancing I've just seen, so I'll leave you with that.

Brilliant Mark Ballas does contemporary, with Aly the gymnast.

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It's Prom Night at Dancing with the Stars

This picture says it all:

Wynona Judd and Tony Dovolani. Courtesy of ABC.

Wow. There are some folks on this show (the one above thankfully we'll see no longer) who simply CANNOT dance. Like not even a little. And if I spoiled that result for you, sorry.

I'm still over here cheering. Man, I wanted her to go home so bad (her and DL Hughley both).

LOVE YOU, Cheryl, but seriously.... :-/

Wynona is just now on TV, talking about how she "faced her fears," and she's glad she did it. Here's the thing. I'm all about people facing their fears. That's a great thing. The other side of that, though, is that we have to watch it. If you KNOW you can't dance, why on EARTH would you get in front of millions of people trying to do so? That's not "facing your fears," that's just EGO. Get over it. Go take a dance class, quietly.

Why on EARTH would anyone want to make a laughing stock of themselves, under the guise of "facing their fears"? Nonsense. Cause you may feel "stronger," Wynona, but I sure lost a ton of respect for you for doing this.

Now you wanna see someone who's ACTUALLY facing their fears, look at Andy Dick on this show (or better yet, PLEASE vote for him).  He is scared shitless by doing this, but a part of him really needs to. So he's in the studio, hour after hour after hour, even though he knows/thinks he can't dance, but he's trying REALLY hard. Look at this.

Andy Dick and Sharna Burgess, working it. Yes, we think you both are sexy.

This is a man clearly out of his comfort zone, but really trying.

I sent tons of votes his way this week. I think he's awesome. I've only gained respect for him. I honestly think I move my body more walking to the kitchen to make a sandwich than Wynona did in any of her dances. Facing your fears? Shut up. I'm so glad she's gone.

But I'm getting ahead of the story. ABC's story is that this was, of course, Prom Night.

Parts of that were truly wonderful. Inspirational. Like this.

The inspirational Mark Ballas and Aly. 

And this:

Zendaya and Val, doing some stunning dancing.

Oh so beautiful.
Lots of waltzes (Viennese and otherwise) performed on this night, fitting, I suppose for Prom Night.

There were also a few examples of why "contemporary" might not be such a great idea to add. When done correctly (Val and Kelly; Val and Zendaya), it can be sublime and gut-wrenching. When done incorrectly (I'm looking at you, Victor and Lindsay), wow, it can be dreadful.

We also had a sexy dance where I swear I saw Jacoby grab Karina's boob. I have never, in any dance in any season, seen someone literally grab someone's boob like that. It was kinda bizarre (right at the beginning).

Speaking of bizarre, we also had this:

Peta Murgatroyd (whose excellent choreography made this dance fun) and Sean.

Cause, I guess, YMCA is performed at a lot of proms now?

Lastly, we had my favorite dance of the night. A stunning, fast and fun version of Footloose by Derek and Kellie, who continue to be my favorites overall.

Derek Hough and Kellie Pickler. Courtesy of ABC.

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Man, this Dancing stuff Is Hard!

The best was saved for last: Derek Hough's amazing choreography.

It really seems like it's been awhile since we've had "stars" on Dancing with the Stars that have been so inept, so non-dancers, struggling so very much.

It's now Week 2, and the non-dancers are HURTING. A good half of the show was taken up with packages of people bitching and complaining (for various reasons) about how hard this is. Really, you thought learning the foxtrot was gonna be a walk in the park? Do you WATCH this show?

We had Dorothy Hamill who apparently has some kind of cyst which makes it hard for her to walk, let alone dance in heels. We had Victor the boxer, who just didn't know it was so hard. We had Lisa the reality star who was overwhelmed. We had Aly the gymnast who struggled to learn how to smile. We had Wynona (God love her) who can't dance AT ALL, declaring that her sister, Ashley would be more of a handful because "I'm the nice one." :-0  Um, ok.

And worst of all, pouty mess D.L. Hughley, who last week totalled up the dusty paddles that had FOURS on them, from all three judges (overscoring). This week, he bitched and moaned about how hard it is, and there was such "complex choregraphy" and "all those steps." The more-than-generous (and really looking stunning this season, too bad she's going home early) Cheryl Burke, tersely saying to him, finally: "Welcome to the show."

I honestly don't know how these pro dancers put up with these baby messes that pass as celebrities. She gracefully walked out. But, to her credit, came back the next day to train him some more. (They ended up getting the big FIVES across the board this time.)

Let me mince no words here. Both D.L. Hughley and Wynona Judd have two left feet. They cannot dance to save their lives. I truly wish they would both go this week, to put us out of our misery.

So, that was one bit of the show.

Oh, but the other...

Kellie Pickler and Derek Hough do an amazing jazz routine.

Saving the best for last, Derek Hough and his partner, country singer Kellie Pickler wowed us with a breathtaking display of a new dance this season, "jazz." I honestly think that the entry of both "jazz" and "contemporary" came about because the dancers get to do lifts and whatnot that are more visual and eye-catching. It does, however, as the missing Maks said in an interview, "get away from ballroom dancing." Maybe that's part of why he left.

It is kind of a mish-mosh now. Not a "ballroom dance competition" show. More like a "celebration of dance" show.

And, to get back to one of the premier choregraphers on this show now, Derek Hough, I am so grateful he has this "jazz" category in which to paint his vision of dance for us. The elegance and beauty of what he and Kellie did makes suffering through ten DLs and Wynonas worth it. Stunning and amazing.

Aly and Mark do their quickstep. Courtesy of ABC/Dancing with the Stars

They weren't the only ones with dances of majesty. We were also graced with (once again) Val and Zendaya's jive. Great music, great costumes. It's week 2 and some of these folks can genuinely dance. They were a joy to watch.

Mark Ballas is sufficiently whipping gymnast Aly into shape, and getting her to smile. Karina Smirnoff came out with a genuinely snappy dance. Ingo and Kym once again stunned us with talent.

Sharna Burgess and Andy Dick. 

And Andy Dick and the new dancer Sharna did a Mad Hatter routine that was genuinely fun and flavorful. I really loved watching it.

Heck, even the Bachelor and Peta were fun to watch this show (also chose good music).

So, judging by the dances, the first week either kicked people into gear or made them panic about what they had signed up for. (Or both.) All I know is, once DL and Wynona go home, it'll be some really fun dancing ahead of us.

Zendaya and Val, one of the highlights of Week 2. Courtesy of ABC/Dancing With the Stars.

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